10 Things to Do When the JetBlue TV Craps Out on You (Because It Will)

Preliminary note: There are, of course, other things to do on a plane aside from watching TV, but thanks to JetBlue, you no longer consider working, reading, listening to music, watching movies on a laptop, or simply trying to sleep as potential in-flight activities.

1. Upon confirmation that your TV (in fact, all the TV’s in your row) does not work, ask your friendly flight attendant for a partial refund. Especially because you spent extra money for extra leg room in an aisle seat, extra bags, and especially because you use a JetBlue Amex to buy JetBlue tickets throughout the year, despite the confusing online statement presentations, suggesting that others do the same. (Of course, she will tell you that you can sit in a middle seat in the back, away from your wife, away from your legroom, and intimately close to a large man from Samoa, but ignore her offer. What she should be doing is offering to ask, say, someone in a somewhat similar aisle seat, sans legroom, who is reading a book about cadavers with the TV screen darkened if he would mind switching seats. Or how about that blind person? No offense to the blind, but it looks like that lady with the cane and shades is just listening to an iPod, and possibly sleeping.)

2. Tell your friendly flight attendant, upon her refusal to help you find an equivalent seat change or partial refund, that if it wasn’t for the TV, you’d be on another terrible airline. You may even tell her that you would like to ask her a few questions for an article you’re writing as a travel magazine technology correspondent about how disappointing JetBlue has become over the past few years, but how you still fly with them because the Amex gives you more miles than any other airline card, and because you now need TV on even a one-hour puddle-jumper (and have yet to switch to Virgin America).

3. When your flight attendant tells you that she would rather not speak on behalf of the airline and starts to looks angry, say thank you. Then, when she’s back at the front of the cabin, take out that new digital camera you are “testing” and start taking pictures of the scene (see above), including some close-ups of her sympathetic face. Do not use your flash. This could disturb people.

4. Stare at and disturb the guy next to you, who called his wife from the tarmac and unleashed a battery of racial slurs about the cab driver who transported him to the airport — only then to nearly knock out your wife with his errant elbow while looking for his copy of Malcom Gladwell’s latest. When he looks your way, as if to question your staring, laugh hysterically. At him. This can be very entertaining for you and uncomfortable for him — but it will also humanely shield him from thinking he’s being made fun of. For you are the one, randomly staring at someone and laughing in “this far too liberal world,” and you must therefore be a “crazy [insert racial slur here],” like the man who drove him to the airport.

5. Massage yourself. Massage your shoulders, your neck (which is always so comfy on JetBlue, even without the $7 pillow), your ears, your stomach, your calves, your feet, your tight hamstring, your glutes. Do not worry about your seat pitching to and fro as you masturbate your muscles. This is socially acceptable self-touch. And you have nothing else to do, so you might as well get to work on loosening up, given how limber you always feel when you land.

6. Go to the bathroom a lot, look in the mirror, and try your best not to get The Flu. This is tricky and hence an excellent distraction. Not only must you wash your hands voraciously, despite not even having voided anything. You must also try not to touch anything, including the faucet and the door on the way out. It is also wise to hold your breath and cover or plug all facial holes while in this compartment. If I told you how I was able to do this, I’d have to kill you. But it’s nothing if not a mind-teaser.

7. Think about your childhood and how much easier your life was when you were nine. Cry, if you like; everyone else is staring at a TV with headphones on, except your wife and the racist next to her.

8. Order as much vodka and hot tea with Splenda as your friendly flight attendant will bring you. Push the limit! The one thing she said to you just an hour ago, after seeing you massage yourself like a maniac, is that she’d bring you as much food or drink as you like. So what if you can’t eat starchy garbage and high-fat nuts. And so what if you’re not really in the mood to get drunk. Line up the vodkas on the tray table and keep asking. You may get embarrassed after six requests, but I urge you to go for seven. Seven is Pure Pleasure.

9. Talk to your wife. About anything. Oh, that’s right. You can’t. Your wife knows how to sleep. Like it’s her job! Not having a TV doesn’t change her JetBlue experience at all. Fight to keep from hating the one person in this world, other than your mother, who loves you. This is quite a challenging game, as you might imagine. It can easily take up four of the six hours it takes to get from JFK to Burbank.

10. Daydream about going home, blogging, and Twittering your brains out. There are stories out there that JetBlue’s Twitter person actually cares about the customer experience and may even get in touch with you if you get enough people interested in your Tweet.