I imagine myself bundled up and freshly fucked, my flattering dress and dirty underwear hanging about me in that weird way when you feel like you should be naked. I’m probably a little hungover, tired and sore, and Derek Jeter has just kissed me goodbye (politely, with tongue) and put me in a car where I find a gift basket that includes a baseball signed by the man whom I have now seen naked. What the fuck?

Well first of all, I like gifts. I just think they’re great, and such an easy way to get my pants off and make me feel less slutty. So I approve of this aspect of the gift basket. Plus, a gift basket sounds like there’s all sorts of chocolate goodies and possibly mini-liquor bottles in there, which I am also into.

But I am not the groupie type. Don’t get me wrong, I certainly would think it is hot if someone is a pro-athlete or has otherwise excelled in a field, but I need a little more than that (maybe a gift?) to get me excited enough to get naked. So UNLESS the baseball is signed by Jeter with a message that says, “I had such a lovely evening last night, please enjoy this gift basket. XOXO Derek,” I am grossed out by the implication that I was boning him purely because OHMYGODIT’SDEREKJETER.

In conclusion, and upon reflection in the backseat of that Lincoln as the driver heads towards my shitty Brooklyn apartment, I am not offended. Instead, I am texting my friends pictures of the gift basket with notes saying, “Oh my God, this is my life” and “I don’t know how I ended up at his place either!” and “Brunch???”

Of course there are many reasons I don’t need to worry about this, as I have moved from Brooklyn to Los Angeles and am also more writer-hot than pro-athlete-hot. Also even if I was still in NYC, I doubt I could afford to hang out in Jeter’s stomping grounds (ie Yankees games). The point is gift baskets are awesome as long as there’s not too much fruit in them. And I think we can all agree on that.

XOXO Meghan.

Derek Jeter apparently gives gift baskets to his one-night stands by having them placed in the car service he sends his one-night girls home in. These baskets include signed memorabilia by Jeter himself. Upon hearing this, I had to ask myself a very important and feminist (or maybe feminine?) question: Would I be offended?

I imagine myself bundled up and freshly fucked, my flattering dress and dirty underwear hanging about me in that weird way when you feel like you should be naked. I’m probably a little hungover, tired and sore, and Derek Jeter has just kissed me goodbye (politely, with tongue) and put me in a car where I find a gift basket that includes a baseball signed by the man whom I have now seen naked. What the fuck?

Well first of all, I like gifts. I just think they’re great, and such an easy way to get my pants off and make me feel less slutty. So I approve of this aspect of the gift basket. Plus, a gift basket sounds like there’s all sorts of chocolate goodies and possibly mini-liquor bottles in there, which I am also into.

But I am not the groupie type. Don’t get me wrong, I certainly would think it is hot if someone is a pro-athlete or has otherwise excelled in a field, but I need a little more than that (maybe a gift?) to get me excited enough to get naked. So UNLESS the baseball is signed by Jeter with a message that says, “I had such a lovely evening last night, please enjoy this gift basket. XOXO Derek,” I am grossed out by the implication that I was boning him purely because OHMYGODIT’SDEREKJETER.

In conclusion, and upon reflection in the backseat of that Lincoln as the driver heads towards my shitty Brooklyn apartment, I am not offended. Instead, I am texting my friends pictures of the gift basket with notes saying, “Oh my God, this is my life” and “I don’t know how I ended up at his place either!” and “Brunch???”

Of course there are many reasons I don’t need to worry about this, as I have moved from Brooklyn to Los Angeles and am also more writer-hot than pro-athlete-hot. Also even if I was still in NYC, I doubt I could afford to hang out in Jeter’s stomping grounds (ie Yankee’s games). The point is gift baskets are awesome as long as there’s not too much fruit in them. And I think we can all agree on that.

XOXO Meghan.

The post Do or Don’t: One-Night-Stand Gift Baskets appeared first on The Faster Times.

Okay, look. I know this guy is a really nice guy. Or maybe he’s a smart guy. Or funny guy. Or he has a great body. We all have our needs. Whatever the case is, if he’s not actively trying to date you, you need to break out of the confrontation-denial-game-playing nightmare cycle. And that means breaking up with him.

The challenge is you don’t get to have a blow out fight with the guy. You don’t get to call up your girlfriend on Friday night sobbing because he cheated on you. You don’t get to get dumped. And just in case you’ve been holding out for him taking the reins here: It’s a very, very rare man who is going to pick up on your crush, also not be interested in hooking up, and has the balls to pull you aside and say “Thanks but no thanks.” Because face it, what if he did that and you didn’t actually have a crush on him? Then he’s a douche and an ass. A dash, if you will. Or a deuce. Either way, you have to break up with him, and you don’t even get to tell him about it.

If it makes you feel any better, a lot of serious relationships don’t get that final blow out either. Sometimes things fall apart gradually, with cracks widening and resentment building and lives slowly creeping away from each other, day by day. If you’ve never been in a relationship (certainly true at the time of my first couple non-breakups) or have never had a “quiet” break up, this is hard to grasp. So just trust me on this one: there doesn’t need to be screaming and breaking things and yelling for it to be over.

Unfortunately, even without the drama, it’s still going to hurt like a bitch. And like a home bikini wax, for some reason it feels even more painful to inflict the whole insane act on yourself. So if you’re ready to move past your game-playing and denial, it’s go-time. If you’re not ready yet, go back and torture yourself a little more until you want to rip off the bikini-wax strip.

Stage 4/Acceptance: Also known as the cry-in-bed-at-night-wondering-what’s-wrong-with-you stage.

Try not to wallow in this stage. You’re fine. He’s an idiot. Feel better? (Probably not. Let’s get you your coping substance of choice.) This stage is rough, because this is what you’ve been avoiding the whole time. This is the knife-to-the-stomach, self-esteem-busting, lonely-heart isolation you’ve been running from for months. Sure, you didn’t have a boyfriend, but you had a possibility. And all of your coupled-up friends with their fucking dates and brunches didn’t seem so annoying because you had someone too! You just need to be patient and make sure to look cute whenever you saw him! So you could put on a brave face when everyone went to dinner and you didn’t bring a guy because whatever, you’re working on it and you’re a confident, single gal living the fun life!!!

Trivia fact #1: Most exclamation points are compensating for something.

Trivia fact #2: You’re going to be okay.

This is the shittiest stage, made even shittier because it’s hard to talk about it with people. It’s easy to understand, “My boyfriend dumped me.” It is harder to understand, “I finally accepted that the man I know personally and have been crushing on for months has no interest in dating me.” If you’ve got single friends, try talking to them about how you “really liked this guy” and “can’t believe it’s actually not going to happen between you.” If they know what’s up, they’ll tell you he’s dumb and you’re very pretty, and let’s go drinking!

I don’t mean to shit on people in relationships-I have several very close friends in serious relationships whom I ask for dating advice regularly-but sometimes couples are just as insecure about “playing the game right” as people trying to be in a couple. So a lot of times when you ask people in relationships for advice, they just tell a thinly veiled story of how they got together with their current significant other because that must be the right way to do it because if it’s the wrong way then OH GOD that means maybe they shouldn’t be with this person and they have to call off the wedding. Just take everything with a grain of salt.

Secretly, this is the best stage: It means you’re not a little chickenshit sitting at home rereading G-chats and crossing your fingers anymore. You should be proud. You might now be sitting at home, reading G-chats and crying into your wine glass, but I’ll let you have your moment. Because once you’re done crying, you get to wallow in a new sense of crappiness.

Stage 5/Sense of being a complete dumbass: So you now feel about as pathetic as you are.

You should have known from the beginning this guy wouldn’t happen, and it was stupid for you to entertain thoughts of Saturday nights cuddling up to this man. Now that you’ve accepted he’s not into you, you can see clearly what a complete idiot you’ve been. Did you really go to every single one of his band’s shows alone? Did you actually go to “his” coffee shop every day “just in case?” Did you send all of your friends his picture saved off of Facebook telling them this time, this guy’s yours? Yes. The answer is yes.

I know it’s hard, especially after finally accepting that someone has labeled you not worth it, but try not to feel bad about all the past bullshit. Liking someone is something that happens, it’s not something you “did.” And sometimes liking someone makes you do questionable stuff. There’s nothing to feel guilty or stupid about. While your intellect can affect whom you’re attracted to, love itself is probably the dumbest emotion there is. If you really love someone, you’re going to love them if they’re being mean, stupid, or ugly. So yes, maybe the situation is dumb, but that doesn’t mean you are.

I’m making a leap here from like to love, but that’s kind of the point: this doesn’t have to be a big deal. You didn’t like, kill someone to impress this guy (if you did, there are more issues than can be addressed in a sex and dating blog). And here’s the other thing: no one cares about the stupid shit you did. No one. I promise. The one person who possibly could have cared was the guy you were interested in-but it turns out you’re not even on his radar so you have nothing to worry about! The curse has become the blessing.

Once you’ve acknowledged there’s no reason to feel dumb, you can graduate to-

Stage 6/Jokes and making out with other people.

“But Meghan,” you say-wisely and perceptively- “Meghan, you’ve been making hilarious jokes this whole time! And I can tell from your writing that you are very smart and of an attractive weight! What do you mean this is the jokes stage?”

I mean this is the stage where you get to laugh about everything that wasn’t between you and him. Can you believe you used to think his goatee made him look “poetic?” Or what about when you convinced your roommate to throw a party just so you could invite him, and then he didn’t show up (but the cops did)?! It’s all so finally hilarious.

If you’re still feeling down, just make an OkCupid profile and hang out online for oh, five minutes. I promise at least one guy will IM you, and he’ll want to fuck you. Think about that! The guy you’ve been crushing on is not the only guy out there (although I’ll tell you, in NYC it can sometimes feel it).

It turns out the world is made of like, half guys. Some of those guys are pretty cute. Some of them will be at parties or bars where you can make out with them. And you should do that. Trust me, after months of lying in bed alone at night, one hot make out session with some random dude (that is actually touching you!) and any trace of Mr. Whats-his-face will become as blurry as the television after my fifth cocktail.

You might have some lingering nostalgia (best dealt with through more jokes! Guess how I cope with things!!!!), and you might miss being so excited about someone. That’s a pretty silly thing to miss, seeing as you basically managed to make up an entire relationship with this guy-don’t worry, you have it in you to get all crazypants over another guy before you can say “So you also use the Internet?”

Bonus Stage: Now that you’ve been through this whole exhausting process, the next time you catch yourself in a “moment of confrontation,” instead of running from it and playing games, you can skip right to acceptance. There is no reason not to do this. Even if you misread things and he actually likes you, it doesn’t hurt to assume he’s not into it. Because if he’s into it, he will make a concerted effort to date you. I can’t emphasize this enough.

Jumping right to acceptance also means less investment in this whole charade, and makes it easier to let go and not act like a full on idiot. Hopefully we’re in agreement at this point that you’re not so special. As with most relationships (technical or not), the bad ones are obvious to everyone. It is not different and magical and special on the inside, it is just shit.

I should note that a modified version of the above also helps you get over men you actually slept with but never technically dated. The modification is that sometimes (not all the time!) you actually get to think he’s an asshole in stage one, which really helps with the whole healing process. Also friends are a little more sympathetic if he got it in and didn’t follow up.

So that’s it! Let me know in the comments if I’ve missed anything, or if you have a situation you know is actually special and I’ve just wasted a week of your life with bullshit. Any questions?

The post Getting Over a Guy You Never Technically Dated: Part 3 of 3 appeared first on The Faster Times.

Hey guys! Sorry I ditched you before, but did you see Shangela turn it out?! I really thought that bitch was going home. Oh sorry, spoiler alert! Shangela does not go home. Now you know why I don’t write for the TV section.

Anyway, let’s get down to those stages of a non-break up I spent so much time building up on Tuesday. I said it in my last post, but I want to reiterate why we are doing this: You know your friend who makes all those bad relationship choices? Do you think she thinks they are bad choices? She probably thinks the choices aren’t bad because her situation is different. Her situation is not different. Your situation is not different. But I know it feels different.

So what I’m going to do-without ever having met you-is describe what you’re going through. Then we’ll discuss this whole, “But, this is different” attitude you’ve got going on (an attitude I myself have clung to like a glass of syrah-so don’t worry, I’ve got your back).

Without further ado, here’s how the non-break up starts:

Stage 1-Confrontation: The moment or event where you are forced to confront that this person is not interested in you.

Maybe he thinks you’re cute, maybe he’s cool with you hanging around, but when you open the figurative door for him to make a move, he politely declines: He cancels the drinks you were supposed to get together and doesn’t seem too concerned about rescheduling. He quietly moves your head off his shoulder when you start to drift off at the end of the movie you’re watching. He calls you “buddy.”

If you are anything like me, you did not handle it well. At the moment of confrontation, I go into crazy-defensive mode with a smile plastered on my face and a glass of whiskey in my hand. I laugh too hard and swear too loudly (“HAHAHA FUCK”), trying to pass off the forced act as “cute” or “aloof ” (“HAHAHA FUCK TEEHEE”).

Or maybe you’re still thinking you’re special? That you just misread the moment? Sorry honey, the song goes a little something like this:

Stage 2-Denial: No one wants to embrace rejection.

If you’ve been playing my rueful game, you’ve been crushing on this guy for months. When faced with rejection, you’re instinct will be to reject it (take that, SUCKA). You’re going to go back over all the reasons you’ve been adding to your long list of “why this is going to work/why he’s secretly in love with me.”

Sure, you showed up to his birthday party and he was making out with some other girl but maybe he was…just having a bad day. Also maybe you’re so incredible that he is intimidated by your awesomeness. Also maybe you’re the marrying kind and he knows that you would make an awesome wife but he’s not really in a relationship place right now. These are things! And doesn’t he know how you both like Community?! Next time he makes a reference on Facebook, you promise yourself you’ll “Like” it.

You’re probably feeling a little panicked at this point, because while you don’t want to admit it, your ENTIRE REALITY is falling apart. You’re grasping at straws (who doesn’t like Community?) and you’re sure beyond a shadow of a doubting gay friend that all you need to do is make one right move and everything will fall into place. This is when you enter Stage 3.

Stage 3-Game-playing: An attempt to regain (or actually just gain) power.

As a last ditch effort, you’ll attempt to manipulate your crush into returning your feelings. The only problem is that because you’re the one who cares, it doesn’t really work.

For example, you could try to make him realize how much he looks forward to seeing you by NOT showing up at his friend’s band’s show…but he doesn’t notice because he was there to see his friend’s band, not you. Or maybe you send him really cool links on Gchat and then try to be as witty and sexy as possible.

Or you “stop by” a party he is definitely going to (this entails desperately texting all your friends to find someone who owes you one so they’ll accompany you to said party) and then play it totally cool by ignoring him all night (meaning standing as close to him as possible without it being weird that you don’t say hi or literally shake your ass in his direction in hopes you’ll entice him).

In most cases, your game-playing only creates more moments of confrontation. These are painful and dumb. Which leads me to the impending, all-consuming-

Oh crap, The Biggest Loser is about to start. Are you guys with me so far? Any questions or concerns? Don’t worry, I’m going to take my Friday night to wrap this all up in a nice little bow. Stop by Monday for the light at the end of the tunnel; I should warn you, it’s about to get a lot worse before it gets better.

Photos by geishaboy500, TinyTall, lostintheredwoods, and gauna_danielle..

Read part three now!

The post Getting Over a Guy You Never Technically Dated: Part 2 of 3 appeared first on The Faster Times.

Embarrassing truths about myself:

-On Friday nights, I am wont to stay home with a bottle of red wine and watch wedding shows on TLC.

-I have also been known to spend months crushing on a gentleman friend, caught in my own delusions that me and this guy could happen. I’ve reread our Gchats, I’ve analyzed his Facebook status updates, and I’m pretty sure that he’s secretly in love with me. Except it turns out he isn’t.

So I’ve decided to suck it up and let others (ie you) learn from my mistakes. There’s nothing to learn from my Friday-night wine habit (other than that it is awesome), but crushing on dudes who aren’t into you? Ladies, please join me on my dirty couch (is it supposed to be white or beige? I can’t recall…) as I chug my shiraz like a real woman, and let me impart my sad wisdom learned from my break ups with men I never technically dated.

There are two (2) things that helped me deal with this bad habit (I prefer to think of it as a “vice” which makes it sound more badass than pathetic):

1. Read He’s Just Not That Into You.

I am unfortunately serious.

If you don’t want to read it for personal reasons, allow me to summarize its teachings: do not read into what a guy does or doesn’t do. He is not thinking about it. If he likes you, he will not leave you wondering if he likes you. End of story.

2. Recognize the phases of what I call the “non-break up.”

This is important.

Look, it’s easy to say you won’t waste your time on guys that aren’t worth it. I say it all the time! “Honey,” I’ll say to my girlfriends when I’m feeling particularly sassy, “this boy clearly does not understand that I have been around the block and I don’t have time for little boys wasting my time. Don’t tease if you’re not gonna please, KNOW WHAT I’M SAYIN’?”

But if you’ve already convinced yourself you’re in some sort of ambiguous potential relationship with this man, you’ve probably convinced yourself he’s worth it. And even if you have a moment of objectivity where you’re like “this guy is an idiot,” you still have spent so much time investing. It’s hard to let go. Honey, I get it, I’m a hopeful, stubborn little bitch myself.

The difference between this and an actual break up (and yes, I’ve had those too) lies in your need for a complete reality check. If you can take a hard look at the games you’re playing with yourself, it gets easier to be a little less stubborn (don’t worry, you still get to be hopeful) and a little less um, pathetic.

So here’s what we’re going to do: For a few Friday nights, I’m going to forgo My Fair Wedding with David Tutera, Four Weddings, Say Yes to the Dress, Say Yes to the Dress Atlanta, and Say Yes to the Dress Big Bliss, and take that time to painfully detail what happens when you break up with a guy you’re not exactly dating. Because you need to know it’s not just you who plays these games (oh God, what if it’s just me?). And if you can get past thinking you’re so special, then you can get past thinking he’s so special.

I spent just this very last Friday mapping out where we’ll be going on this venerable journey together, but I’m going to have to ask you to come back on Thursday-RuPaul’s Drag Race is coming on in a second and I’ve got my priorities.

Read part two now!

Photos by Amie Fedora, Sugar Daze (f/k/a LittleMissCupcakeParis), and Corey Ann.

The post Getting Over a Guy You Never Technically Dated: Part 1 of 3 appeared first on The Faster Times.

The truth is, Valentine’s Day has the same stress for couples that New Year’s Eve (or Halloween, or July 4th) has for everyone. There’s that pressure to do it right. But if you’re single, you can do whatever the hell you want. And if you want to go to bars, let me tell you: it is awesome. You might think that the bars are full of desperate people, but no one wants to be so pathetic that they’re going to bars and hitting on strangers on fucking Valentine’s Day. I mean, come ON. (Uh, apologies to any sleazebags who have no problem being that pathetic.) Everyone out on February 14th is just out to get drunk and have a good time. And it’s not even bullshit crowded like it gets on St. Patrick’s Day! Isn’t that how every night should be?

Even better, without all the desperation and sleazy come ons, hooking up becomes some sort of weird college throw back where you might do it just because it’s there. And if you don’t get laid, whatever! You’re probably too drunk for sex anyways, and you get to go home and sleep the contented sleep of the passed-out drunk.

And THEN on February 15th, when all your friends are bummed because her boyfriend didn’t take her to a nice enough restaurant or his girlfriend yelled at him for not showing enough commitment to the relationship, you get to be like, “Hey, how was your Valentine’s Day? Mine was fucking awesome!!” (Sorry, I got a little bitter there because of those annoying couples who are always going to brunch together.) (It’s really hard for me not to be bitter sometimes, I really like brunch.)

The point is, if you are single, you don’t need a survival guide for Valentine’s Day. Thanksgiving, maybe. Christmas, most definitely. But Valentine’s Day? Honey, give me a break. And then put on your party pants, because we’re going out!

Photo by Beverly & Pack.

The post The Secret to Surviving Valentine’s Day Single appeared first on The Faster Times.

I’m personally horrified, because I’ve never taken issue with a boyfriend masturbating or looking at porn; however, I do have issues with a boyfriend not wanting to have sex with me. More than that, I’m disgusted the amount of guys experiencing this phenomenon was great enough to warrant a 1500+ word piece.

Like relationships with real dolls, it mostly makes me want to vomit to think someone would prefer to invest in a sexual bond with anything unable to respond intelligently.* It’s like a perverse form of rape; you’re saying a potential sex partner-a human being-is of less value than the image or video you’d rather jack off to. I have a vibrator, but I don’t give a shit about that thing-I have no “relationship” with it. But if you’d rather pay for a prostitute or porn site or real doll than invest in a real relationship with someone…it makes me dizzy to think about. I don’t like it.

At the end of the piece, Rothbart suggests that some women these days are now trying to behave like porn stars. (This is page eighty-eight, when I started freaking.) Worse, the dudes aren’t into it-one guy compares his girlfriend “acting like a porn queen” to the scene in Ghostbusters where Sigourney Weaver is possessed by demons. I’m dizzier now, and my tummy is turning:

Am I trying to be a porn star in the bedroom?

The way the article simplifies worries me: dirty talk, minimal pubic hair, a tendency to be vocal. I…I do these things, but to be like a porn girl? I’m both grossed out that I could subconsciously porning it up and pissed at the women who are faking it. Like women who dye their hair red and giggle about how hot it looks, I take a small amount of personal offense that someone would copy something that has always been a part of me-something sometimes considered freakish-and re-purpose it for their own convenient use. The narcissist in me wants to know: Can’t everyone just recognize that I’m naturally hot instead of saying “Oh oh, me too! I’m like that!”?

It’s not just being lumped in with porn-queen wannabes that I hate. The comparison of a porn-y girlfriend to a possessed Sigourney Weaver makes my skin crawl. I hate the Madonna-whore complex. I hate it so much, and this reeks of it. For those unfamiliar, please allow me to copy-paste from Wikipedia:

According to Freudian psychology, this complex often develops when the sufferer is raised by a cold and distant mother. Such a man will often court someone with qualities of his mother, hoping to fulfill a need for intimacy unmet in childhood. Often, the wife begins to be seen as mother to the husband—a “Madonna” figure—and thus not a possible object of sexual attraction. For this reason, in the mind of the sufferer, love and sex cannot be mixed, and the man is reluctant to have sexual relations with his wife, for that, he thinks subconsciously, would be incest. He will reserve sexuality for “bad” or “dirty” women, and will not develop “normal” feelings of love in these sexual relationships. This introduces a dilemma where a man may feel unable to love any woman who can satisfy him sexually and is unable to be sexually satisfied by any woman whom he can love.

The whole incest angle might be pushing it a bit, but otherwise, I see this in guys all the time. Either I’m the nice girl or the girl you fucked. It pisses me off. Many (dare I say most?) women are the unfortunate combination of “impossible” extremes: really nice girls who really like sex. And it’s a rare man who can understand that. Especially if you sleep with him too soon.

If there’s anywhere you can act like a porn star for fun and not be judged for it, it should be in the context of a committed relationship. If it’s not for fun, if it-as this article suggests-is to compete with the fantasy girls men are looking at online (and ditching their girls for), then I am wowed by men’s stupidity and/or worried for their inherent mental state.

I could also be angry at women for complying, but I’m kind of biased. You know how every woman is slightly different, sexually? Like a sexual snowflake? Guys are too, even if the equipment itself doesn’t really vary. What varies is what kind of stuff they like to look at. And women have to guess at it, feel out. The problem is unlike when guys literally feel it out and see where you like to get touched, if you try out a dirty phrase and he doesn’t like it, it can change how he looks at you as a person.** (Is this why you’re not supposed to sleep with them too soon?) So if you emulate porn, it almost seems like a safe bet-guys love porn! Right? RIGHT?!

I’m probably being too hard on my gentleman friends here. Maybe I just don’t want to blame the porn; because the upshot of this whole thing is that I shouldn’t be cool with my man looking at naked ladies online. And I really, really thought that was harmless stuff. I always figured guys who had a porn problem just had a problem that they needed to man up and deal with. I’m cautiously sticking with that philosophy, but if I’ve got a man who stops initiating sex-I’m gonna get pissed.

*I understand there can be therapeutic reasons to use a real doll, I’m talking specifically about men who decide to give up on real women.

**I realize I’m being extremely heteronormative here, my apologies to the LGBT community.

Photo by _Fü_.

I understand there can be therapeutic reasons to use a real doll, I’m talking specifically about men who decide to give up on real women.

The post Am I a Porn Star?; or: I Hate the Madonna-Whore Complex appeared first on The Faster Times.

I was able to know exactly how many days there are until Valentine’s Day, by the way, because Frederick’s of Hollywood has been kind enough to provide a Valentine’s Day countdown that ticks away the seconds you have left to buy their lingerie. They also have tips from “David,” a “man’s man, [who's] up to his eyeballs in thongs, G-strings and hot models every day, and he knows what girls want.” He suggests on Valentine’s Day, you can surprise your girl by taking her to a Frederick’s and letting her pick out “whatever she wants.” Huh.

I think David may have gotten a little distracted by all the hot models, because the whole point of lingerie is that it’s something the dude loves seeing you in-and yes, gentlemen, I know, you’d like to see us in pretty much anything that involves partial nudity, but the idea is that you’re seeing the movie regardless-why not splurge on a large popcorn? Or junior mints? Or whatever would enhance your viewing experience! I can’t look at my own boobs during sex without getting a double chin-this view’s all for you, baby.

Also while we’re talking about lingerie things that don’t make any sense, can someone please explain to me why this is hot:

Specifically, the thingy that attaches the top to the bottom. Doesn’t that just make it harder to get the whole contraption off? Is it supposed to be like a garter strap over your tummy? Oh God, that would imply that your stomach is shaped like an ass.

I’m sorry, I should stop bitching-both Frederick’s and Yandy.com have some deliciously trashy lingerie that I wouldn’t mind frolicking around my apartment in (sorry, roommate!). I’m just pouting because I don’t see any SVU valentine’s in my mailbox yet. PEOPLE, you only have 13 days, 16 hours, 8 minutes, and 12 seconds to get them to me!

The post For Your Pre-Valentine’s Day Consideration appeared first on The Faster Times.

What the hell?

OkTrends suggests that a woman with looks that polarize men (ie men either find her very attractive or very unattractive) receives more messages because the men messaging her…think they have less competition? They actually say the women with these “polarizing looks” receive a “better response”- better how? Does that just mean more responses? My OkCupid profile happens to make a dick joke about penis size. You know what my in box is full of? Guys sending me their measurements. Do I believe this is a “good” response? Only if he’s 10 inches.

How OkTrends gathers its data is fine by me; they look at how their users are ranked, attractiveness-wise, and compare it a) to the number of messages they got and b)how that attractiveness was calculated (ie a seven out of ten across the board is different from a girl who gets ten out of ten 70% of the time, and zero out of ten the other 30%). They found that women who some men found very attractive and others found very unattractive got more e-mails than women who averaged the same throughout, even when the women’s average attractiveness was the same.

What the blog fails to point out, even though they warn me at the beginning they’re about to objectify women “big time” (side note: I did not feel objectified once, I mostly felt aggravated), is that the women with looks that polarize men are the women who look like they are drinkers and possibly slutty. It’s the brunettes with the make up and tattoos and piercings, hell, I think one of the pictures OkTrends pulled even has liquor bottles in the background. Similar to their post “The 4 Big Myths of Profile Pictures,” where OkTrends (surprise!) confirmed cleavage pics get you messages, this seems the data shows dudes like girls they think they might be able to get it on with.

The “drinking” element that OkTrends misses also explains the polarization: Drinkers, generally, like drinkers (more than nondrinkers). Nondrinkers can find drinkers gross or immoral, possibly slutty. Hell, drinkers can also find drinkers slutty, but maybe they’re into that. (I also consider myself moderately drunk and slutty, so please don’t think I’m judging here.)

So after all this, you can imagine why my head exploded when the end of the post suggested I flaunt my worst feature to make men more attracted to me. See? Because if men disagree about whether or not I’m hot, they’ll like me more. You can see that in the data (no you can’t). Should I bring up babies on the first date too? Maybe I should say to hell with it and skip the shower. This is honestly the worst advice OkTrends has ever given me.

I think it’s awful sweet that OkTrends wants us to feel comfortable in our own skin, but purposefully flaunting something we’re insecure about is not going to make us more attractive. I should know, I did it from about age 15-20. And then I started drinking.

Photo by Helga Weber.

The post OkCupid: As Dumb about Dating as Us? appeared first on The Faster Times.

Then there’s the tips for better sex in 2011 that leave me a little lost, as they are geared towards couples- “Engage in choreplay” is a sweet idea for my married friends, but I don’t think dates will think it’s hot when I suggest we clean my bathroom together. Oooh baby, that hair clog’s so big, we’re gonna need some Draino. YourTango also has some help for my sex life, suggesting some New Year’s sex resolutions. Here’s mine: Have more sex.

No, wait, as happiness is the achievement of attainable goals, so let’s try again: Have sex.

Look, aiming to have more sex is a great goal if you’re coupled up, but the two weeks before the holidays is a very popular time to break it off. For any single-and-sexless out there, I’ve found a corner of the Internet that has your back, even when you’re not lying on it: Ask Dan & Jennifer has provided us with the Best Masturbation Techniques of 2010, and they’ve covered both a gentleman’s and lady’s solo needs.

I for one think masturbation is a great idea! (The exclamation point is to hide my inability to say that sentence aloud with a straight face.) (But seriously, I’m a fan of masturbation!) (Okay, seriously, I’m about to get serious here. About masturbation!) Where a slutty night stand can leave you with my fear of fears, masturbation is not only fun and sleep-inducing (who wants to stay up late if you’re staying up late ALONE?), but it can prep you for when you are getting some: Men can use masturbation to train their bodies to last longer, and women who masturbate can get a better idea of what exactly floats their boat.

Also, this website promises that masturbating tones the penis. I’m not sure what that means, but it’s making me giggle.

Photo by kozumel.

The post Banging in the New Year appeared first on The Faster Times.

1. Expired condoms. In college, they throw condoms at you like it’s candy (I concede the flavored ones are arguably similar to candy). Every time I cleaned my room, I had to ask myself: is it more depressing to throw these out now, or to save them and have to throw them out when they expire? Condoms last for a couple years, so to throw them out immediately is to admit to yourself that you’re not getting laid for the next two years (at least). But then, what if I hold onto them, and then I have to throw them out knowing that I have, without question, not gotten laid for two years?

We cannot change our decisions, or retrace our steps in the sands of time, and so I cannot know what choice is worse. But I can say it turns out it’s pretty sad to throw out expired condoms.

2. Vibrator batteries dying. Calculating how long batteries will last you is a relatively complicated equation. What’s not complicated is this equation:

vibrator batteries dying = pathetic sense you’ve spent too much masturbatory time with yourself

..It just seems like you could have spent those uncountable hours either doing something productive or finding yourself a man (or lady, if that’s how you roll). The more extreme version of this item is breaking your vibrator from overuse. Oh, it happens.

3.Having a porn site appear on your “most frequented sites” list. If you are a fan of Chrome (as I am), this can be a bit jarring, because every time you open a new tab, the tab opens with a thumbnail screen shot of each of your 6 most frequented sites. And then you get a thumbnail of miniature penises and breasts in your face. It’s a lot less cute than it sounds. Sure, you can probably choose what six sites display on the regular, or browse incognito and not allow the porn site to appear in your browser history. But maybe, just maybe, you’re lazy and you naively think that it will be more convenient if just whatever sites you happen to visit populate those thumbnail screens. And then maybe someone you respect asks to borrow your computer for a quick second, and you realize there’s something worse than being awkwardly reminded you’re not getting laid: awkwardly reminding someone else.

P.S. I am aware of my female bias in listing the above. If any dudes want to share what sad reminders they get when they’re not getting laid, I’d love to hear them.

Photo by cliff1066™.

The post It’s True, It Has Been That Long Since You Got Laid appeared first on The Faster Times.