Do or Don’t: One-Night-Stand Gift Baskets
Derek Jeter apparently gives gift baskets to his one-night stands by having them placed in the car service he sends his one-night girls home in. These baskets include signed memorabilia by Jeter himself. Upon hearing this, I had to ask myself a very important and feminist (or maybe feminine?) question: Would I be offended?
I imagine myself bundled up and freshly fucked, my flattering dress and dirty underwear hanging about me in that weird way when you feel like you should be naked. I’m probably a little hungover, tired and sore, and Derek Jeter has just kissed me goodbye (politely, with tongue) and put me in a car where I find a gift basket that includes a baseball signed by the man whom I have now seen naked. What the fuck?
Well first of all, I like gifts. I just think they’re great, and such an easy way to get my pants off and make me feel less slutty. So I approve of this aspect of the gift basket. Plus, a gift basket sounds like there’s all sorts of chocolate goodies and possibly mini-liquor bottles in there, which I am also into.
But I am not the groupie type. Don’t get me wrong, I certainly would think it is hot if someone is a pro-athlete or has otherwise excelled in a field, but I need a little more than that (maybe a gift?) to get me excited enough to get naked. So UNLESS the baseball is signed by Jeter with a message that says, “I had such a lovely evening last night, please enjoy this gift basket. XOXO Derek,” I am grossed out by the implication that I was boning him purely because OHMYGODIT’SDEREKJETER.
In conclusion, and upon reflection in the backseat of that Lincoln as the driver heads towards my shitty Brooklyn apartment, I am not offended. Instead, I am texting my friends pictures of the gift basket with notes saying, “Oh my God, this is my life” and “I don’t know how I ended up at his place either!” and “Brunch???”
Of course there are many reasons I don’t need to worry about this, as I have moved from Brooklyn to Los Angeles and am also more writer-hot than pro-athlete-hot. Also even if I was still in NYC, I doubt I could afford to hang out in Jeter’s stomping grounds (ie Yankees games). The point is gift baskets are awesome as long as there’s not too much fruit in them. And I think we can all agree on that.
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