Getting Over a Guy You Never Technically Dated: Part 2 of 3

This is part two of a three-part series. Part one can be found here.

Hey guys! Sorry I ditched you before, but did you see Shangela turn it out?! I really thought that bitch was going home. Oh sorry, spoiler alert! Shangela does not go home. Now you know why I don’t write for the TV section.

Anyway, let’s get down to those stages of a non-break up I spent so much time building up on Tuesday. I said it in my last post, but I want to reiterate why we are doing this: You know your friend who makes all those bad relationship choices? Do you think she thinks they are bad choices? She probably thinks the choices aren’t bad because her situation is different. Her situation is not different. Your situation is not different. But I know it feels different.

So what I’m going to do-without ever having met you-is describe what you’re going through. Then we’ll discuss this whole, “But, this is different” attitude you’ve got going on (an attitude I myself have clung to like a glass of syrah-so don’t worry, I’ve got your back).

Without further ado, here’s how the non-break up starts:

Stage 1-Confrontation: The moment or event where you are forced to confront that this person is not interested in you.

Maybe he thinks you’re cute, maybe he’s cool with you hanging around, but when you open the figurative door for him to make a move, he politely declines: He cancels the drinks you were supposed to get together and doesn’t seem too concerned about rescheduling. He quietly moves your head off his shoulder when you start to drift off at the end of the movie you’re watching. He calls you “buddy.”

If you are anything like me, you did not handle it well. At the moment of confrontation, I go into crazy-defensive mode with a smile plastered on my face and a glass of whiskey in my hand. I laugh too hard and swear too loudly (“HAHAHA FUCK”), trying to pass off the forced act as “cute” or “aloof ” (“HAHAHA FUCK TEEHEE”).

Or maybe you’re still thinking you’re special? That you just misread the moment? Sorry honey, the song goes a little something like this:

Stage 2-Denial: No one wants to embrace rejection.

If you’ve been playing my rueful game, you’ve been crushing on this guy for months. When faced with rejection, you’re instinct will be to reject it (take that, SUCKA). You’re going to go back over all the reasons you’ve been adding to your long list of “why this is going to work/why he’s secretly in love with me.”

Sure, you showed up to his birthday party and he was making out with some other girl but maybe he was…just having a bad day. Also maybe you’re so incredible that he is intimidated by your awesomeness. Also maybe you’re the marrying kind and he knows that you would make an awesome wife but he’s not really in a relationship place right now. These are things! And doesn’t he know how you both like Community?! Next time he makes a reference on Facebook, you promise yourself you’ll “Like” it.

You’re probably feeling a little panicked at this point, because while you don’t want to admit it, your ENTIRE REALITY is falling apart. You’re grasping at straws (who doesn’t like Community?) and you’re sure beyond a shadow of a doubting gay friend that all you need to do is make one right move and everything will fall into place. This is when you enter Stage 3.

Stage 3-Game-playing: An attempt to regain (or actually just gain) power.

As a last ditch effort, you’ll attempt to manipulate your crush into returning your feelings. The only problem is that because you’re the one who cares, it doesn’t really work.

For example, you could try to make him realize how much he looks forward to seeing you by NOT showing up at his friend’s band’s show…but he doesn’t notice because he was there to see his friend’s band, not you. Or maybe you send him really cool links on Gchat and then try to be as witty and sexy as possible.

Or you “stop by” a party he is definitely going to (this entails desperately texting all your friends to find someone who owes you one so they’ll accompany you to said party) and then play it totally cool by ignoring him all night (meaning standing as close to him as possible without it being weird that you don’t say hi or literally shake your ass in his direction in hopes you’ll entice him).

In most cases, your game-playing only creates more moments of confrontation. These are painful and dumb. Which leads me to the impending, all-consuming-

Oh crap, The Biggest Loser is about to start. Are you guys with me so far? Any questions or concerns? Don’t worry, I’m going to take my Friday night to wrap this all up in a nice little bow. Stop by Monday for the light at the end of the tunnel; I should warn you, it’s about to get a lot worse before it gets better.

Photos by geishaboy500, TinyTall, lostintheredwoods, and gauna_danielle..

Read part three now!

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