This is part one in a three part series. Part two can be found here.

Embarrassing truths about myself:

-On Friday nights, I am wont to stay home with a bottle of red wine and watch wedding shows on TLC.

-I have also been known to spend months crushing on a gentleman friend, caught in my own delusions that me and this guy could happen. I’ve reread our Gchats, I’ve analyzed his Facebook status updates, and I’m pretty sure that he’s secretly in love with me. Except it turns out he isn’t.

So I’ve decided to suck it up and let others (ie you) learn from my mistakes. There’s nothing to learn from my Friday-night wine habit (other than that it is awesome), but crushing on dudes who aren’t into you? Ladies, please join me on my dirty couch (is it supposed to be white or beige? I can’t recall…) as I chug my shiraz like a real woman, and let me impart my sad wisdom learned from my break ups with men I never technically dated.

There are two (2) things that helped me deal with this bad habit (I prefer to think of it as a “vice” which makes it sound more badass than pathetic):

1. Read He’s Just Not That Into You.

I am unfortunately serious.

If you don’t want to read it for personal reasons, allow me to summarize its teachings: do not read into what a guy does or doesn’t do. He is not thinking about it. If he likes you, he will not leave you wondering if he likes you. End of story.

2. Recognize the phases of what I call the “non-break up.”

This is important.

Look, it’s easy to say you won’t waste your time on guys that aren’t worth it. I say it all the time! “Honey,” I’ll say to my girlfriends when I’m feeling particularly sassy, “this boy clearly does not understand that I have been around the block and I don’t have time for little boys wasting my time. Don’t tease if you’re not gonna please, KNOW WHAT I’M SAYIN’?”

But if you’ve already convinced yourself you’re in some sort of ambiguous potential relationship with this man, you’ve probably convinced yourself he’s worth it. And even if you have a moment of objectivity where you’re like “this guy is an idiot,” you still have spent so much time investing. It’s hard to let go. Honey, I get it, I’m a hopeful, stubborn little bitch myself.

The difference between this and an actual break up (and yes, I’ve had those too) lies in your need for a complete reality check. If you can take a hard look at the games you’re playing with yourself, it gets easier to be a little less stubborn (don’t worry, you still get to be hopeful) and a little less um, pathetic.

So here’s what we’re going to do: For a few Friday nights, I’m going to forgo My Fair Wedding with David Tutera, Four Weddings, Say Yes to the Dress, Say Yes to the Dress Atlanta, and Say Yes to the Dress Big Bliss, and take that time to painfully detail what happens when you break up with a guy you’re not exactly dating. Because you need to know it’s not just you who plays these games (oh God, what if it’s just me?). And if you can get past thinking you’re so special, then you can get past thinking he’s so special.

I spent just this very last Friday mapping out where we’ll be going on this venerable journey together, but I’m going to have to ask you to come back on Thursday-RuPaul’s Drag Race is coming on in a second and I’ve got my priorities.

Read part two now!

Photos by Amie Fedora, Sugar Daze (f/k/a LittleMissCupcakeParis), and Corey Ann.