The Secret to Surviving Valentine’s Day Single

If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, you really should be shitfaced. I mean, if you’re WITH someone on Valentine’s Day you’ve got all sorts of couples obligations and should be buying your girl flowers or giving your guy a blow job or whatevs. But seriously, if you’ve got no one to be in debt to, get FUCKED UP. I don’t mean this in a condescending or self-pitying way; I mean that I have always been single on Valentine’s Day, and it is my favorite night of the year to go out with a friend or two and knock ‘em back until I start dancing on the bar.

The truth is, Valentine’s Day has the same stress for couples that New Year’s Eve (or Halloween, or July 4th) has for everyone. There’s that pressure to do it right. But if you’re single, you can do whatever the hell you want. And if you want to go to bars, let me tell you: it is awesome. You might think that the bars are full of desperate people, but no one wants to be so pathetic that they’re going to bars and hitting on strangers on fucking Valentine’s Day. I mean, come ON. (Uh, apologies to any sleazebags who have no problem being that pathetic.) Everyone out on February 14th is just out to get drunk and have a good time. And it’s not even bullshit crowded like it gets on St. Patrick’s Day! Isn’t that how every night should be?

Even better, without all the desperation and sleazy come ons, hooking up becomes some sort of weird college throw back where you might do it just because it’s there. And if you don’t get laid, whatever! You’re probably too drunk for sex anyways, and you get to go home and sleep the contented sleep of the passed-out drunk.

And THEN on February 15th, when all your friends are bummed because her boyfriend didn’t take her to a nice enough restaurant or his girlfriend yelled at him for not showing enough commitment to the relationship, you get to be like, “Hey, how was your Valentine’s Day? Mine was fucking awesome!!” (Sorry, I got a little bitter there because of those annoying couples who are always going to brunch together.) (It’s really hard for me not to be bitter sometimes, I really like brunch.)

The point is, if you are single, you don’t need a survival guide for Valentine’s Day. Thanksgiving, maybe. Christmas, most definitely. But Valentine’s Day? Honey, give me a break. And then put on your party pants, because we’re going out!

Photo by Beverly & Pack.

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