For Your Pre-Valentine’s Day Consideration
You guys. There are only 13 days until Valentine’s Day, and that’s barely enough time for you to buy some SVU valentines and send them to me! Sorry, I got a little excited there, but rightfully so. Check out these valentines from Brandon Bird-they combine two of my favorite things: puns and marathon television watching. The picture below also links to his site, because I really think you need to go there and buy these for me:
I was able to know exactly how many days there are until Valentine’s Day, by the way, because Frederick’s of Hollywood has been kind enough to provide a Valentine’s Day countdown that ticks away the seconds you have left to buy their lingerie. They also have tips from “David,” a “man’s man, [who's] up to his eyeballs in thongs, G-strings and hot models every day, and he knows what girls want.” He suggests on Valentine’s Day, you can surprise your girl by taking her to a Frederick’s and letting her pick out “whatever she wants.” Huh.
I think David may have gotten a little distracted by all the hot models, because the whole point of lingerie is that it’s something the dude loves seeing you in-and yes, gentlemen, I know, you’d like to see us in pretty much anything that involves partial nudity, but the idea is that you’re seeing the movie regardless-why not splurge on a large popcorn? Or junior mints? Or whatever would enhance your viewing experience! I can’t look at my own boobs during sex without getting a double chin-this view’s all for you, baby.
Also while we’re talking about lingerie things that don’t make any sense, can someone please explain to me why this is hot:
Specifically, the thingy that attaches the top to the bottom. Doesn’t that just make it harder to get the whole contraption off? Is it supposed to be like a garter strap over your tummy? Oh God, that would imply that your stomach is shaped like an ass.
I’m sorry, I should stop bitching-both Frederick’s and Yandy.com have some deliciously trashy lingerie that I wouldn’t mind frolicking around my apartment in (sorry, roommate!). I’m just pouting because I don’t see any SVU valentine’s in my mailbox yet. PEOPLE, you only have 13 days, 16 hours, 8 minutes, and 12 seconds to get them to me!
Follow us on twitter@thefastertimes
- 1 Brooklyn Man Now Living Entirely Off Own Beard Garden
- 2 First Openly Straight Figure Skater Comes Forward
- 3 “Cra Cra” Now Official Diagnosis in New DSM (DSM-5)
- 4 OfficeMax Marketing Director Struggling to Make Staplers ‘Sexy’ and ‘Conversational’
- 5 Homeless Guy Woos Silicon Valley VCs with Low-Tech Crowdfunding Startup
- 6 Area Man Tailors Life To Be More Relevant To His Hulu Advertisements
- 7 Fan Banging Furiously on Glass Could Be the Difference in Hockey Playoffs
- 8 Survey: 88% of Eagles Fans Too Drunk To Spell Nnamdi Asomugha Last Season
- 9 Attorney Actually Starting to Believe Own Bullshit
- 10 Local Mom Won’t Stop Being First Person to Like Every Goddamn Thing Son Posts to Facebook