Banging in the New Year

It’s a new year, and the Internet is reminding me that I need to get laid. CNN’s “The Chart” has been especially kind to remind me that sex is Better than Botox and give me 5 Tips for Better Sex in 2011. So sweet of them, no? According to blogger Ian Kerner, MD, I need to get to it tonight because sex will make me look younger, be happier, and get skinnier, among other things. As if just not getting any weren’t punishment enough, I now have to assume I’m a wrinkly, sad fat-ass.

Then there’s the tips for better sex in 2011 that leave me a little lost, as they are geared towards couples- “Engage in choreplay” is a sweet idea for my married friends, but I don’t think dates will think it’s hot when I suggest we clean my bathroom together. Oooh baby, that hair clog’s so big, we’re gonna need some Draino. YourTango also has some help for my sex life, suggesting some New Year’s sex resolutions. Here’s mine: Have more sex.

No, wait, as happiness is the achievement of attainable goals, so let’s try again: Have sex.

Look, aiming to have more sex is a great goal if you’re coupled up, but the two weeks before the holidays is a very popular time to break it off. For any single-and-sexless out there, I’ve found a corner of the Internet that has your back, even when you’re not lying on it: Ask Dan & Jennifer has provided us with the Best Masturbation Techniques of 2010, and they’ve covered both a gentleman’s and lady’s solo needs.

I for one think masturbation is a great idea! (The exclamation point is to hide my inability to say that sentence aloud with a straight face.) (But seriously, I’m a fan of masturbation!) (Okay, seriously, I’m about to get serious here. About masturbation!) Where a slutty night stand can leave you with my fear of fears, masturbation is not only fun and sleep-inducing (who wants to stay up late if you’re staying up late ALONE?), but it can prep you for when you are getting some: Men can use masturbation to train their bodies to last longer, and women who masturbate can get a better idea of what exactly floats their boat.

Also, this website promises that masturbating tones the penis. I’m not sure what that means, but it’s making me giggle.

Photo by kozumel.

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