It’s True, It Has Been That Long Since You Got Laid

It’s sad how long it’s been since I’ve written for TFT, so I decided to introduce my return with a list of sad sex things. Don’t worry, I’ve shied away from the serious and the legitimately depressing, and in no time at all we’ll be celebrating happy sex things. In the mean time, let’s go ahead and hit rock bottom:

1. Expired condoms. In college, they throw condoms at you like it’s candy (I concede the flavored ones are arguably similar to candy). Every time I cleaned my room, I had to ask myself: is it more depressing to throw these out now, or to save them and have to throw them out when they expire? Condoms last for a couple years, so to throw them out immediately is to admit to yourself that you’re not getting laid for the next two years (at least). But then, what if I hold onto them, and then I have to throw them out knowing that I have, without question, not gotten laid for two years?

We cannot change our decisions, or retrace our steps in the sands of time, and so I cannot know what choice is worse. But I can say it turns out it’s pretty sad to throw out expired condoms.

2. Vibrator batteries dying. Calculating how long batteries will last you is a relatively complicated equation. What’s not complicated is this equation:

vibrator batteries dying
=
pathetic sense you’ve spent too much masturbatory time with yourself

..It just seems like you could have spent those uncountable hours either doing something productive or finding yourself a man (or lady, if that’s how you roll).
The more extreme version of this item is breaking your vibrator from overuse. Oh, it happens.

3.Having a porn site appear on your “most frequented sites” list. If you are a fan of Chrome (as I am), this can be a bit jarring, because every time you open a new tab, the tab opens with a thumbnail screen shot of each of your 6 most frequented sites. And then you get a thumbnail of miniature penises and breasts in your face. It’s a lot less cute than it sounds. Sure, you can probably choose what six sites display on the regular, or browse incognito and not allow the porn site to appear in your browser history.
But maybe, just maybe, you’re lazy and you naively think that it will be more convenient if just whatever sites you happen to visit populate those thumbnail screens.
And then maybe someone you respect asks to borrow your computer for a quick second, and you realize there’s something worse than being awkwardly reminded you’re not getting laid: awkwardly reminding someone else.

P.S. I am aware of my female bias in listing the above. If any dudes want to share what sad reminders they get when they’re not getting laid, I’d love to hear them.

Photo by cliff1066™.

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