The Reality of Reality Dating Shows

I think we can all agree that reality dating shows are surprisingly accurate.

I’m not trying to be ridiculous-I don’t mean I want to sleep with Bret Michaels, and I sure as hell don’t think I should be a farmer’s wife. But despite the gimmicks and the shots and the flavors and the millionaires, I think reality dating shows are realistic. Let me explain.

When you first meet a guy, your nerves can get in the way of you being your awesome self. Two simple things can put you at ease: dress like a whore and drink like a fish. If only your areolae aren’t showing, you don’t need to worry about what you say because he’s not listening anyways. Don’t think you can pull it off? That’s where the booze comes in. Just do a couple shots and let the liquid courage soak in.

I’ll concede you can cover more than your nipples, but show me a lady who doesn’t wear a push up bra on a first date, and I’ll show you a lesbian.* And a couple of cocktails-for those of us who are not Mormon-is pretty standard first date fare. Just don’t get so drunk you’re doing shots out of a another girl’s cooter, and always aim to be a lady-sure, Flavor Flav laughed his ass off when that one girl took a dump on his carpet, but he was not going to make her his woman.

Reality television has also taught us a great way to catch a guy’s attention is to make out him, preferably in front of other girls and in a hot tub. Making out with a guy is a great way to say, “Gee, I think you’re cute!” without having to touch his thing. Doing this in front of other women ensures he sees you as a the kind of girl that likes making out and also ensures other girls see you as a threat. Which brings us to the “unrealistic” scenario of living in a mansion with all the other women vying for your man’s affection.

Check this: the mansion is a metaphor for the Internet. If I want to scope my competition, I just check what lovely ladies have posted on his Facebook wall lately. Who is in the same pictures as him? Has he slept with any of these women? If you think this is abnormal, you’re underestimating both how crazy having a vagina makes you and how much downtime people have at work. So you see, while you don’t actually physically live with these other women, you do live with them metaphorically. Every day. And just because they’re not in the same physical building doesn’t mean they can’t find your stuff and dump salsa all over it.

Alright, so you’re living with these women, you’re drinking with your tits out, but how do you really show you’re there for him, that you’re not here to make friends? You play his game, whether it be cooking a chicken (don’t use the microwave) or playing mudball (let him be quarterback-for both teams). As things get more serious, you might wonder how soon you can sleep with him. You can’t. I know, I know, he’s sooooo hot and in a band and stuff, but as long as other women are in the picture, he’s not going to pick you to be his girlfriend or rock or flavor or anything. He will pick the one he hasn’t slept with yet, just look at the finales.

Also, do not have sex on tape. This is what reality television has taught us: no one needs to hear New York’s dying cat noises. In fact, don’t even make sex noises on tape or you’ll end up giving Joe Millionaire a blow job in the forest.

So what happens if you “win?” Oh child, reality dating television has clearly shown us there is no winning in the game of love. You can claw your way to the top of the sluts, you can get the girl, you can get the grill-but if there’s not something there, your “relationship” has a very early expiration date. Let us not forget what reunion shows have taught us. It’s more likely you’ll be left for someone completely off your radar, like when Flavor Flav ditched Thing 2 for Liz, a girl so far off our radar she didn’t even have a nickname.

Don’t worry though, there’s always another season. If you work hard (or are crazy), you might even get your own show, and isn’t starring in your own dating life what we should all aim for? Worst case scenario, you find yourself on Tool Academy or Tough Love. Well, actual worst case scenario is you spend a night reflecting how much reality television is just like your life. I should get to bed.

*My apologies for this very cheap shot.

Photo by Dyanna.

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