-Horny Hermione

Hermione! You old witch, you.

Please understand that having sex in public places is pretty much illegal everywhere, except for those weirdo camps that old hippies take their RVs to. The consequences can often be quite severe, ranging from blindness to public stoning.

That said, if you remove the risks associated with public sex, the thrill is simply gone. And in that sense, you should embrace the onlookers! Have you ever competed in an event, or performed something, in front of a crowd? It pumps you up, and you end up pushing yourself a little harder. (Granted, you probably don’t want a six year old watching you make the beast with two backs—though I’m pretty sure the spectacle could lead to an interesting lesson on creationism. At least in Virginia).

Anyway, if you’re committed to the idea of sex in parks and voyeurs and etc., you’re going to want to make time to add some exercises to your workout routine. Start doing a lot of heel-slappers to simulate pulling your pants up in a hurry. (If you primarily wear a skirt or kilt, you don’t have to worry about this as much.) Next, practice your sprints, for when you have to get away from Johnny Law. Also, have a few days where you and your partner practice doing a three-legged race. This works on your coordination for those times that you both have an ankle caught in the same pair of underwear.

Other options, while I’m at it:

1.) Carefully painting your body so as to resemble foliage

2.) Remaining equipped at all times with a ghillie blanket, though be wary of using one near a cemetery, as the zombie craze is huge these days and you don’t need someone with a gun in hand (HOLLER AGAIN TO YOU, VIRGINIA!) thinking you are rising from the grave.

Speaking of which, and in terms of the second part of your question: in general, when dealing, with people whose harmless voyeurism moves into the realm of wanting to make an evening gown out of your skin, the answer is pretty much the same as in any situation: arm yourself! Just because you’re all nekkid doesn’t mean you can’t carry a gun (you sure can’t be accused of carrying it concealed!). Get it on with holsters on! That’s my motto. If you can’t carry a gun in your locality, strap a knife to your thigh. Just be sure that you don’t stab your partner’s private parts mid-thump-hump. Think about it— do you really think that ANYONE is going to accost two naked people going hard at it, with large blades attached to their bodies? Some people might pull up lawn chairs and break out popcorn but that’s OK. Try and keep your head on straight, and, once the fun’s over, always remember to take a bow.

The post “Get it On With Holsters On!” And Other Methods for Making Love in Public appeared first on The Faster Times.

I have a 10-year-old son that has always went to a very small and very safe Christian school. He’s big for his age but completely passive and tenderhearted. These are admirable traits and I’m proud of my boy, but I’m worried it paints a big sign on his back that says “Please bully me!” Any tips for a parent that wants his child to be able to defend himself without getting sent to reform school for 8-10 years?

Thanks,

A Concerned Parent

Dear Parent of a Future Serial Killer,

So your son is overweight and soft spoken…This rings some kind of bell, but I’m not sure which one.

Anyway, I hate to tell you this, but if gentle giants do not shed bully-blood by their twelfth birthday they will eventually collect the bodies of dead hookers in their basements. It’s fact. Explained below using science.

By ze age of twelve, testosterone schtartz to build up en ze adolescent male vith geometric shapes. Zis produces ze Rage Hormone, vich looks a kind of octogon. Some males release too much of ze hormone und become what is known as ze “Bully” of ancient legend. On ze other hand, if ze hormone is repressed, zen ze rage builds und builds until ze subject explodes in an orgy of violence und lustmord! -Dr. Schadenfreude

Basically, you’ve got to get your son to react. It doesn’t have to be something overt like stabbing a bully with a pencil, or slamming his face so hard into a desk so that his molars have to be removed from it with pliers. It could be something subtle. Like pushing the bully down an empty elevator shaft, or creating cyanide from the cherry tree in the back yard and slipping it into his (or her–let’s not discriminate) chocolate milk. Since the bully, in your case, does not actually exist, I fear we’re getting a bit ahead of ourselves–but you see where I’m coming from. Overt aggression is the tool of the ruffian. Subversive coercion and revenge are the tools of gentlemen. And absolute passivity leads to something called the John Wayne Gacy phenomenon, wherein the once-shy-prey develops into something that likes to wear clown make up while licking the baby toes of innocents.

Ultimately, if your son remains immutable in his shyness, I’d like to offer up one more option; as a shy man myself, one strategy that I have found to be useful is to act bat-shit crazy as much as possible, and thus avoid, for the most part, getting crammed headfirst into toilets and chocolate-milk-filled-garbage-bins. Many was the time whilst working in the local hoosegow that I maintained my safety by reinforcing the belief that I was too crazy to screw with, which is good because the sight of blood frightens me. One technique that I found particularly useful was using a sock puppet to deliver a warning message, like, “Urge… to kill… rising…” Another good one is banging your head against walls and windows, saying, “This is how I let the pain out.” Pretending to channel Elvis is OK, but tends to be more entertaining than intimidating. (Then again, your son’s hypothetical future bullies will probably be too young to understand any such references to The King, which could make such impersonations truly troubling for them.)

Frankly, all of these approaches are overly complex. The best thing to do is to let your son know that if he has to defend himself, and even if the school takes a different view of fighting, you will support him. If someone tries to beat him up he should know that he has the moral high ground to beat the shit out of the other kid. With his shoe if he needs to. I’m sure all of the other bully’s victims will be most appreciative! I know, because I never fought back and now I’m running out of space in my basement.

Kisses forever,

Your Kermit

The post How to Handle Bullies: a Guide for 10-Year-Olds appeared first on The Faster Times.

Should I have something like the attached photo?

Thanks Big Sarge!

-Dan

Oh, Danny Boy!

FROM GLEN TO–anyway.

In a situation like this, you always want your “tools of sovereignty” close at hand. One for every square yard of living space sounds about right to me. My Granny used to keep a hatchet under her pillow, but that was only after dark shapes started appearing above her bed. When dealing with living intruders, I’d suggest a knife or a bat. Specifically: a knife ON a bat. Just tie it on with strands of barbed wire, and you’re set! You’ve got cutting power, bludgeoning power, and you can take it to the ball park on weekends! I mean, aside from being able to throw lead downrange, this puppy will do about everything but make you an appletini.

Now, while the above picture is pretty dead-on and inspiring in terms of a proper game face, stance, and weapon of choice for self-defense, I’m going to urge you to be more even more creative in order to enhance your “Get That F**ker” potential. For best results, mount the aforementioned Bat Knife on a hinge above the door. Someone breaks in and you are SO going to have to repaint the walls before the landlord can rent that unit again. ZAMMO!

(For safety reasons, the “Head-Be-Gone” set-up should not be used unless you live alone and have no friends or lovers who might be stopping by and entering your room unexpectedly.)

Whether or not you agree with me about Bat Knife or Head-Be-Gone, I urge you to keep SOMETHING near your bed. Sandwich a knife (or even a sharp pencil!) between the mattress and box springs, and keep something under the bed, or in the night stand drawer, next to your Bible (in certain situations, the Bible can also be used as a weapon). Lie down on the bed and look at all the places that are in arms reach. Be creative! Make some special pajamas with extra “rifle-sized” pockets! It’s exciting!

Oh, and practice getting whatever-it-is into your hand with the lights off. Do this a bunch. Pretend ghosts are after you (*sigh*…Granny) to motivate yourself. Because if you’re frightened out of a sound sleep, and it’s dark, you’re going to have to rely on animal reflex and muscle memory. A embarrassing and fatal mistake at this juncture would be to freeze and start humming nervously. Not many intruders are frightened off by humming noises. Unless they are scared of bees.

Go start building! And hang in there, son. I love you.

Kermit

The post The Bat Knife: A Creative Solution for Burglars appeared first on The Faster Times.

Sincerely,

Joe Lazauskas

Dearest Joe,

You want to do what now? I think I’m failing to see your dilemma. Also, I’m glad you clarified because at first I assumed you were talking about this kind of cougar, and was simply going to say, “poisoned hog corpse.”

I’ll take you at your word that this is actually a problem for you. Is it just that you are so irresistibly adorable? Or is it that older women these days are simply more free with their sexuality?

Maybe the problem is that you’re on acid. Sex with older, more experienced women is always more appealing when the walls aren’t dripping—though if you’re dead set against being swarmed by older women, try wearing a Justin Bieber tee shirt to the concert. Unless you’re AT a Justin Bieber concert. In that case you have bigger problems than acid and cougars.

The nearest crisis I can relate to happened in Memphis a several years back, during a Prince concert. Did you know I love Prince? Yes, and I was standing where members of Prince’s band came offstage during sets. Renato, the keyboardist, smiled and gave that half-bow with his hands together in that Namaste thing. I think he was just afraid someone would crush his hands, which is probably not an unreasonable fear. Bassist Rhonda Smith was a hottie, but she wouldn’t give me the time of day. Greg Boyer, the trombone player, he was the real deal. A man of the people.

Anyway, this doesn’t have anything to do with self-defense, and it has hardly anything to do with your question at all, except that it was about a concert—I’m sure that the story of how I used a voodoo doll and a handful of rice to save my life in the back-alleys of Memphis that night would be a much more practical thing for me to discuss. But the bottom line is this: if your biggest worry is how many women want to have sex with you, I should really just kill you and wear your skin around.

Xoo,

Kermit

The post What to do About Hungry Cougars appeared first on The Faster Times.

Well sure, call the police! Or get somewhere that you can. Do you just want to stand there and watch some mean people be really mean to someone who doesn’t deserve to have mean things happen to them? What kind of monster are you? What if that were your mother in danger?

Of course, I’m assuming that you don’t hate your mother, which you very well may. Maybe she left you at the traveling carnival all by yourself so she could get drunk and play bingo, only to go home with a sailor on shore leave. And maybe she didn’t come back for you for days, stretching into months and years, leaving you to be raised by well meaning but crude carnies. Oh sure, they didn’t hold their knives and forks right, and they couldn’t spell, but damn it, they taught you how to bolt a Tilt-A-Whirl together! They taught you how to turn your back on the bone weary workaday world! So quit bad mouthing the carnies! They loved you, damn it! More than that tramp of a mother ever did! God damn her!

I’m sorry, I think I blacked out there for a minute. Where was I? Oh yes… Imminent danger, blah blah blah, no cell phone.

I fear you’re missing a golden opportunity here. If you’re underground with no cell service, and no help around, it is a perfect time for vigilantism! If your cell phone doesn’t work then neither will theirs when they try to call for help. By the time their bodies are discovered, their lives will have already been forfeited to the Great God Cthulhu! Cthulhu R’lyeh fhtagn!

This is an example of re-framing a situation into something positive, and turning it to your advantage. When you start thinking like the bad mama jama that you really are inside, a whole world of options will open up for you! Just beware. Once that beast is unleashed, it is hard getting it back on the chain.

Sergeant Kermit is a Deputy Sheriff and firearms instructor in southwestern Virginia. His column offers weekly advice to nice people who want to protect themselves from predators. Want to ask an Angry Guy your own self defense questions? Email Sergeant Kermit at pirateepd@gmail.com or tweet him @pirateepd

More From Sergeant Kermit:

What to Do When You’re Scared and Alone and it’s Dark Out AND A STRANGER ASKS FOR SOMETHING

How to Stab Someone While You’re Running

The post What About Standing Up For What’s Right? appeared first on The Faster Times.

Love,

AFRAID OF THE DARK

I love you, too, AFRAID OF THE DARK.

First of all I would like to suggest that anyone having to pay tribute to another person out of fear is a damnable offense to everything that is good and right! You have every right to walk by a bum without giving them jack squat! Unless you really, really want to give them something (and in that case just watch out for cooties).

However! If a dirty hobo shuffles up to you asking for money or a cigarette, it is perfectly fine to ignore them. You didn’t initiate the conversation. You didn’t invite one. That is your time and your space, and you get to choose who you talk to and when. If you say “yes” you are giving up money that you would probably put to better use yourself, or for someone more deserving. Plus you’ve just verified that you have money and cigs, so doesn’t that put you at danger as well? If you say “no” you are inviting debate, haggling, and harassment. If you feel inclined to say, “sorry, no” then don’t engage them any further, no matter how they try to follow up. So I still prefer the option of saying nothing and keep on walking.

Since I mentioned that this is your time and space, let me emphasize YOUR SPACE. Anytime someone is within arm’s reach of you, there is an inherent danger. Even two arms’ lengths away are too close for a person that is a threat. Don’t let them close that space. Be loud and authoritative and tell them not to come any closer. Bring attention on yourself, and them. If they keep coming closer, you have no choice but to assume that they mean you ill will. Seriously. They are not coming closer to give you a hug. They are either trying to intimidate by getting in your space, or actually want to put hands on you. Therefore you should prepare yourself to bring the pain.

Not knowing what, if any, training you have had in self-defense, I’m going to tell you what I would tell a daughter of my own… In a calm, clear voice, explain to the attacker that while you wish him no ill will personally, you cannot allow your personal safety to be violated. Simultaneously bring your right instep down on whichever of his knees are closest to you. A good, hard stomp. Then, palm strike the attacker under the chin while explaining that even though you care for his wellbeing as a fellow human, this behavior will not be tolerated. Finally, in the spirit of brotherly/sisterly love, take his hair in both hands and bring his head down to waist level where you can lovingly strike his face with your knee until he is able to fall over without further assistance from you. Again, try to emphasize that what you do is in the spirit of compassion, and that you hope he is able to learn from this experience, just as much as you do.

Maybe even put XOXO on his forehead with lipstick.

I do need to clarify that this is different from a good, old-fashioned mugging. If someone has a weapon and they are demanding money, give them the money. You can live without it. After all, you’d probably just give it to some bum anyway. At this point you still have the hope of getting out of the situation without getting hurt. But never, EVER let them try to take you to another location. This is when you have to run or fight for your life.

There is such a thing as a Mugger’s Tax. That’s a small amount of cash, maybe a bunch of ones rolled up or clipped together that you keep separate from your wallet. If you ever happen to get mugged, you can reach into your pocket, or another compartment in your purse, and give to the mugger. The hope is that they will just take that and run, while you hold on to your ID, cards, and the rest of your cash. I like to take a bit of cash and put it in a baggie with poison ivy leaves that I picked using gloves. Make sure it gets nice and infused. Don’t spend it all in one place, you bastard…

Sergeant Kermit is a Deputy Sheriff and firearms instructor in southwestern Virginia. His column offers weekly advice to nice people who want to protect themselves from predators. Want to ask an Angry Guy your own self defense questions? Email Sergeant Kermit at pirateepd@gmail.com or send him a tweet @pirateepd

The post What to Do When You’re Scared and Alone and it’s Dark Out AND A STRANGER ASKS FOR SOMETHING appeared first on The Faster Times.

-Jessica

First of all, switchblades, or automatic, knives are illegal in most every place I know, unless you are a law enforcement officer. But that doesn’t mean that there aren’t dandy assisted opening knives out there that will open easily with one hand! By golly, just the thought of trying to get you kitted out for the perfect jogging knife gets me all fired up! I don’t even know if there is such a thing as a jogging knife. But by god, there should be!

From what I understand of Illinois law, which isn’t much, they don’t really address how you carry, as much as your intent. So as long as you are intending to merely saw the head off of an attacker, and not dismember granny in her bedroom, you should be OK. If it is carried somewhere that it is visible, at least the clip of it, then you’re not likely to be jammed up by it being concealed.

But let’s back up a step to your original activity of jogging. I’m guessing that, ideally, you want to keep the excess weight of the knife to a minimum. In a folding knife, that gets expensive. You could go with a fixed blade knife, which is inherently stronger, and can also be lighter since it doesn’t have to support some kind of locking mechanism. Plus, how totally kick-ass would it look to be jogging down the road with a fighting knife strapped to your thigh? A fixed blade is bulkier, so you’ll have to look harder to find one that is just the right size. But hell, hunters, backpackers, and Electra can do it. Why not you?

For folding knives, I’d look for something with a stud or a thumbhole on the spine of the blade. This means you can open it with one hand. Have the person at the counter demonstrate how it’s done. (Frankly I prefer these to automatic knives because automatic knives always feel like they are going to fly out of my hand when I open them.) Then just clip it to your pocket, waistband, belt, garter, lingerie, or whatever it is you run in. (Running in lingerie with knives should be a sport. Kind of like dove hunting, except instead of birds you have scoundrels springing from bushes, and the goal is to disembowel them before their feet touch ground. Combining iaijutus with a marathon, it becomes… a die-cathalon!

Good folders:

For when you want to be cutesy… And for when you don’t…

Sergeant Kermit is a Deputy Sheriff and firearms instructor in southwestern Virginia. His column offers weekly advice to nice people who want to protect themselves from predators. Want to ask an Angry Guy your own self defense questions? Email Sergeant Kermit at pirateepd@gmail.com or tweet him @pirateepd

The post Ask Kermit—An Angry Guy’s Guide to Self-Defense: How to Stab Someone While You’re Running appeared first on The Faster Times.

That’s easy… Bite down on whatever part of his body that’s closest to you. Not for the sake of biting him. Its to hold him in place while you pull out your knife (my desire for you to keep a folding knife of some kind on you should be a given at this point) and proceed to disembowel him. This is why its always good to keep a good, high quality stain remover in your laundry cubby. Because those dental bibs don’t catch everything!

Sgt. K: I’m going camping with my family and am worried about bears. I suppose because I’m the dad/husband I am morally obligated to sacrifice myself for the sake of the others. I’m actually fine with that but my wife isn’t. Thoughts? –BABY crazy

Golly, BABY, I think its instinctive for anyone to sacrifice themselves for their family—but the best thing really is to try to get EVERYONE away. Are you camping in the East or are you going out West? Black bears in the east aren’t as dangerous as the browns and grizzly out west. Here’s a good link about what to do.

http://www.mountainnature.com/wildlife/bears/bearencounters.htm

Unless you want MY advice about what to do. That will begin with, “Always travel with someone slower than you are…” What I think is funny about that website is that there is no mention about flat out shooting the damn bear. I carry all kinds of guns in my car when I’m roaming the rurals of WV specifically for two reasons. Bears and folks cooking meth and growing pot. They don’t like interlopers.

Annnd, I think we have time for one more:

Okay, Kermit, You’re in a foreign country that has a lot of pick-pockets. You feel a hand around your bag or fanny pack. What’s your first move?

Xoxo WORLD TRAVELER

Slowly and ever so carefully, I would place my hand over the thief’s. Then, using as little pressure as possible, guide it to my shoulders, where tension has gathered after a long, transcontinental flight. Many pick-pockets aren’t naturally gifted at the art of massage, so sometimes I have to coach him or her along until they get it just so. And I tip generously. After all, they’re trying to make a living too!

Sergeant Kermit is a Deputy Sheriff and firearms instructor in southwestern Virginia. His column offers weekly advice to nice people who want to protect themselves from predators. Want to ask an Angry Guy your own self defense questions? Email Sergeant Kermit at pirateepd@gmail.com or tweet him @pirateepd

The post Ask Kermit—An Angry Guy’s Guide to Self Defense: Teeth Cleaning and other Travels appeared first on The Faster Times.

Sincerely, Down South

A Triple Threat

Dear Down South,

One of the best defenses I’ve seen for copperheads are tin stove pipes worn over the bottom half of a person’s legs. However, this fella was hunting rattlesnakes, and I think that he may have also been retarded. Be that as it may, if it works for rattlesnakes, it will work for copperheads. At least, I think it should. Copperheads can be tricky. Unless you mean these copperheads…

In that case, you don’t have to worry. They are already dead.

Since I don’t keep stove pipes with me, I’d just rely on a sharp eye and a quick step. If you see one, get outta there. And you’re going to have to rely on sight, because they don’t make noise like a rattler does. Some people say that if you smell cucumbers that a copperhead is nearby. I suppose they have cucumber farts. But whenever I’ve run across one I never smelled anything. Shovels are popular for killing snakes, and there are special shot shells for pistols that you can use to kill snakes, but my Granny always relied on a good old fashioned garden hoe. And you can always beat it to death with a stick. A long, looooong stick.

For a wild boar, I’d say it’s just about the same with any dangerous animal: gun, gun, gun. Unless you have a boar spear. I do know that some people have used a knife like the one in my picture to finish off wild boars (once the dogs have it pinned down during a hunt). But I’m guessing you’re not going out seeking to do battle with a hog or a bear, so in the end you’ll be stuck with whatever you have on hand, even if it only means grabbing a piece of wood. (Personally I don’t go anywhere without at least a decent folding knife that can be opened with one hand; I may lose the fight, but the bear is definitely gonna’ remember me!)

Ultimately, I think that a human’s biggest weapon is their brain. The ability to think and figure things out helps us to make tools to kill the threats, like our ancient tool, the spear. Or to build walls. The flip side of that coin is that we sometimes don’t shut off the thinking when we should be acting. Bears and boars don’t have that problem. For them, it’s all instinct and action. As people, we tend to think, “Oh my God! I’m being eaten by a bear!” instead of instinctively trying to gouge out an eye with a sharp stick. So, if you have to defend yourself against a wild animal, and playing dead isn’t an option (which I think is only advised for grizzly and brown bear, and even that is hit or miss), you have to be as ferocious and animalistic yourself as you can possibly be. After all, we are in reality just animals. We’ve just let ourselves forget it.

If only we had longer claws…

Oh, and don’t forget to give the boar or bear the “crazy eyes.” It’s okay if you talk to it too. “C’mon muthafuckah! You wanna eat me? I’ll tell you what… I’m gonna kill you, kill your family, and burn this whole god damn forest to the ground! I’ll cut my own leg off an’ beat you to death with it! Fuck you, bear! Fuck you! Let’s get crazy up in here!”

Now, how to deal with a meth head… This actually goes back to dealing with rattlesnakes (not copperheads). An old woodsman once told me that if you come across a rattlesnake, and you have a handkerchief, put a rock in the center of it and toss it towards the rattlesnake (in a direction away from you). It picks up on the motion and will pay attention to the handkerchief, leaving you free to skirt on around it. So I got to thinking, why wouldn’t this work on a meth head? So here’s what you do… Go to a rock and gem store (or find one online) and buy you some cloudy quartz. Bust it into small pieces with a hammer and put the pieces into clear plastic bags. Then if you ever are confronted by a tweaker, you just wave the baggie in front of them, then toss it way behind them. They go after the faux meth, and you can get away!

As far as having to fight one; the problem with people on drugs is that pain may not register. I’ve tried to keep a 140 pound guy on the ground with my knee in his gut, and he just lifted me right up by arching his back. And I weigh in at around 320. So, in this sense, it’s almost like fighting the bear (see above). That sense of fear and self-preservation they have is all haywire, and so you’re left with very few options. The first and best one is try to get away. But if that doesn’t work, it’s like dealing with anyone else who is a threat: you act with decisive and devastating force until the threat is gone. Weapon of choice? Whatever you have on hand when the shit hits the fan. Target area? Whatever makes them cease and desist. In other words, whomp on them wherever you can, with whatever you have, until they quit whatever they’re doing. Once you get experience in combating the tweaker, you can work on points for style by using common household items like yard rakes, toilet plungers, and even body pillows. I’m convinced that there will eventually be a competition on YouTube to post the most creative way of dealing with tweakers that wander into your yard. Like America’s Funniest Home Videos, but actually… funny.

Sergeant Kermit is a Deputy Sheriff and firearms instructor in southwestern Virginia. His column offers weekly advice to nice people who want to protect themselves from predators. Want to ask an Angry Guy your own self defense questions? Email Sergeant Kermit at pirateepd@gmail.com or tweet him @pirateepd

The post Ask Kermit—An Angry Guy’s Guide to Self-Defense: Snakes, Hogs, and Meth Heads appeared first on The Faster Times.

I’m confused about whether I should wear my hair down or up to discourage a predator. I feel like I’ve heard both things. Hair up is easier to pull on, but hair down can be used to strangle/choke and is maybe a more vulnerable hairstyle? What’s the answer?

Yours truly, Ponytail Pondering

Listen to me Ponytail. The correct answer is… neither. What you want to do is to tie razor blades to strands of your hair and keep them tucked away in the layers. It’s a technique that prisoners use to either hide blades, or to cut the hands of someone searching their hair for contraband. So why not use their little mischief against them? If someone tries to grab your hair, doom on their fingers!

This leads to another question: What shampoo is best at removing blood? For this, I do not have an answer. My gut says to try a combination of hydrogen peroxide and Aussie Moist. But I am bald, so what do I know about hair care?

If that is a little too radical for you, I understand. After all, it could probably land you in jail.

But predators are more likely to focus on how alert you appear to be to your surroundings than on how you wear your hair. The problem with long hair, up or down, is that it is easy to grab. I’ve never heard of anyone being strangled with hair though. I think the angle that it comes down from the head would make it hard to get the right leverage to effectively constrict breathing or blood flow. If you like it better up, wear it up. If you like it better down, wear it down. If you change your personal style, THE TERRORISTS WIN! Instead of adjusting your hair, adjust how you think about being attacked.

So let’s say they have you by the hair. In the defensive sense, when someone means you harm, your body and brain are struggling to come to grips with the situation. This is being done to you. But let’s imagine this from an OFFENSIVE standpoint. This person who has grabbed your hair has done two things. One, they have put themselves within your own attack range. Two, they have given you all the permission you need to totally fuck them up. So give yourself permission to go on the offensive and fuck them up. To do this you have to know what your tools are – hands, teeth, keys, knife, brush, a bag full of breakables from Crate and Barrel – and use all of them with the sole purpose of destroying the threat to you. I like to think that when an attacker grabs someone that it is merely the starting gun for the “victim” to bring every bit of their wrath and righteous indignation to bear on someone who really, really picked the wrong target.

The post Ask Kermit—An Angry Guy’s Guide to Self-Defense: Hairdos and Safety appeared first on The Faster Times.