“Get it On With Holsters On!” And Other Methods for Making Love in Public

Is there a safe way to have sex in public?  What about dealing with the people who might get mad about it and attack me?

-Horny Hermione

Hermione!  You old witch, you.

Please understand that having sex in public places is pretty much illegal everywhere, except for those weirdo camps that old hippies take their RVs to.  The consequences can often be quite severe, ranging from blindness to public stoning.

That said, if you remove the risks associated with public sex, the thrill is simply gone.  And in that sense, you should embrace the onlookers! Have you ever competed in an event, or performed something, in front of a crowd?  It pumps you up, and you end up pushing yourself a little harder.  (Granted, you probably don’t want a six year old watching you make the beast with two backs—though I’m pretty sure the spectacle could lead to an interesting lesson on creationism.  At least in Virginia).

Anyway, if you’re committed to the idea of sex in parks and voyeurs and etc., you’re going to want to make time to add some exercises to your workout routine.  Start doing a lot of heel-slappers to simulate pulling your pants up in a hurry.  (If you primarily wear a skirt or kilt, you don’t have to worry about this as much.)  Next, practice your sprints, for when you have to get away from Johnny Law.  Also, have a few days where you and your partner practice doing a three-legged race.  This works on your coordination for those times that you both have an ankle caught in the same pair of underwear.

Other options, while I’m at it:

1.) Carefully painting your body so as to resemble foliage

2.) Remaining equipped at all times with a ghillie blanket, though be wary of using one near a cemetery, as the zombie craze is huge these days and you don’t need someone with a gun in hand (HOLLER AGAIN TO YOU, VIRGINIA!) thinking you are rising from the grave.

Speaking of which, and in terms of the second part of your question: in general, when dealing, with people whose harmless voyeurism moves into the realm of wanting to make an evening gown out of your skin, the answer is pretty much the same as in any situation: arm yourself!  Just because you’re all nekkid doesn’t mean you can’t carry a gun (you sure can’t be accused of carrying it concealed!).  Get it on with holsters on!  That’s my motto.  If you can’t carry a gun in your locality, strap a knife to your thigh.  Just be sure that you don’t stab your partner’s private parts mid-thump-hump.  Think about it— do you really think that ANYONE is going to accost two naked people going hard at it, with large blades attached to their bodies?  Some people might pull up lawn chairs and break out popcorn but that’s OK.  Try and keep your head on straight, and, once the fun’s over, always remember to take a bow.