The Bat Knife: A Creative Solution for Burglars

We all fear intruders in our home. But also, the idea of keeping a weapon around can be daunting. If you own a knife or bat, where’s the best place to keep it for your safety? Do you want it by the door or bed (providing easy access) or do you want it hidden (so your intruder doesn’t see it first and uses it against you)?

Should I have something like the attached photo?

Thanks Big Sarge!

-Dan

Oh, Danny Boy!

FROM GLEN TO–anyway.

In a situation like this, you always want your “tools of sovereignty” close at hand. One for every square yard of living space sounds about right to me. My Granny used to keep a hatchet under her pillow, but that was only after dark shapes started appearing above her bed. When dealing with living intruders, I’d suggest a knife or a bat. Specifically: a knife ON a bat. Just tie it on with strands of barbed wire, and you’re set! You’ve got cutting power, bludgeoning power, and you can take it to the ball park on weekends! I mean, aside from being able to throw lead downrange, this puppy will do about everything but make you an appletini.

Now, while the above picture is pretty dead-on and inspiring in terms of a proper game face, stance, and weapon of choice for self-defense, I’m going to urge you to be more even more creative in order to enhance your “Get That F**ker” potential. For best results, mount the aforementioned Bat Knife on a hinge above the door. Someone breaks in and you are SO going to have to repaint the walls before the landlord can rent that unit again. ZAMMO!

(For safety reasons, the “Head-Be-Gone” set-up should not be used unless you live alone and have no friends or lovers who might be stopping by and entering your room unexpectedly.)

Whether or not you agree with me about Bat Knife or Head-Be-Gone, I urge you to keep SOMETHING near your bed. Sandwich a knife (or even a sharp pencil!) between the mattress and box springs, and keep something under the bed, or in the night stand drawer, next to your Bible (in certain situations, the Bible can also be used as a weapon). Lie down on the bed and look at all the places that are in arms reach. Be creative! Make some special pajamas with extra “rifle-sized” pockets! It’s exciting!

Oh, and practice getting whatever-it-is into your hand with the lights off. Do this a bunch. Pretend ghosts are after you (*sigh*…Granny) to motivate yourself. Because if you’re frightened out of a sound sleep, and it’s dark, you’re going to have to rely on animal reflex and muscle memory. A embarrassing and fatal mistake at this juncture would be to freeze and start humming nervously. Not many intruders are frightened off by humming noises. Unless they are scared of bees.

Go start building! And hang in there, son. I love you.

Kermit

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