More Truths About Love, Lust, Sex and Gay Men

Over the course of two decades living and loving on five different continents, I’ve become something of an expert on sex and the cities. Sure I’ve still got a lot to learn (the acquisition of absolute knowledge pending my first trip to Africa, coming soon), I’d like to think I’ve taken something away from my years of experience in New York City, in London, in Buenos Aires, in Europe, in Australia, in Southeast Asia, other than thousands of snapshots and several memoirs worth of anecdotes.

A little knowledge is a dangerous thing. And a lot? Well, it gives me carte blanche to tell it like it is. So without further procrastination, everything you’ve always wanted to know about gay love and lust but were afraid to ask!

Can you find Mr. Perfect online? Consider this: Many of those bodies shamelessly displayed on Manhunt are the same ones crowding your local dance floor on any given Saturday night. Every gay guy has a profile somewhere. Many have messaged me on Manhunt after seeing me shake my groove thing live, and a weekend night at the Peel in Melbourne, or DJ Station in Bangkok, can feel sort of like a Grindr convention.

Sure most of the cruisers on Grindr right now aren’t looking for love, but neither are the ones cruising on Grindr while ordering from the bar at the Cock in NYC. Bottom line: It’s not where you meet him. It’s what he does after you do.

Should you sleep with him on the first date? The dynamics of gay relationships differ greatly from those of straight ones. Holding out until you’re sure he loves you — or that he’s looking for more than a hit and run — won’t necessarily make you potentially better husband material in his eyes. But it might make him think you’re not that into him, at least that was my experience during my four and a half years in the gay playground known as Buenos Aires.

As the old saying goes, men need to make love to feel love, women need to feel love to make love. So if two men are involved — well, you know where this is heading. But this isn’t “The Secret Life of the American Teenager.” We’re all adults here. Don’t do anyone you don’t want to do.

Once again going from personal experience (okay, a few first-nighters too many), it’s sometimes better to get sex out of the way before the first date. If there ends up being a first date at all, at least you already know you’re more or less sexually compatible, and you can just relax and enjoy the company rather than spending the entire evening wondering where you’ll end up, just in whose bed.

Will he be there (in the morning)? Though it’s nice when he is (granted that you weren’t viewing him through beer goggles the night before), just because men don’t leave before the sun comes up, doesn’t mean they won’t exit without warning some other time, today, tomorrow, next week, or 30 or more sunrises and sunsets from now.

“I wanna go to bed with arms around me, but wake up on my own,” Dido sang in the opening lyrics of her 2008 single “Don’t Believe in Love.” Indeed, sometimes a hasty exit on his part can be a true blessing. You don’t have to run to the bathroom to tidy up of before he wakes up, or come up with a good excuse why he can’t linger when he does.

Top or bottom? If he has to ask, clearly he’s the latter.

To f**k or not to f**k? Personally, I prefer kisses and cuddles only. Years ago, a guy told me, in the throes of afterglow, that he could tell I’m not gay for the sex. I didn’t take it as an insult, and I don’t think he intended it as one. It was merely an innocent observation, and a dead-accurate one, too.

Now here’s where things get a little graphic. If a guy’s primary motive is to get you inside of him — and you can always tell by the way he shakes his ass during foreplay — chances are he’ll never love you for your mind. And if all he wants is to get inside of you, there’s plenty more where you came from, because let’s be honest: On the dance floor, on Manhunt, on Grindr, bottoms are often cheaper, and more prevalent, than a dime a dozen. If you won’t give in to him, he’ll simply find someone who will, and why would anybody want a lover like that?

What should you think of a guy who’d let you do him without a condom? This one is easy. If he’d let you in through his back door without protection, or without really knowing who is knocking, chances are he’d let anybody do it. Run — from him, or too your stash of condoms! Better yet, just run!

Does size matter? For some, sadly, yes, but only when he’s got nothing else to offer, like one original thought going through his mind. Is it true what they say about black men? That’s your burning question? Time to cross someone else off of my to-do list!

Is it in his kiss? Let’s put it this way: If the lips don’t fit, the people they’re attached to won’t either. You can tell a lot about a man by the way he kisses you: what he had for dinner, whether he flosses, and if it’s worth your time going ’round the bases with him.

Boxers or briefs? I’ve always found it much more comfortable to go commando during sex.

Was it good for you? If either of you have to ask, it probably wasn’t. And if you’re still doing it, what are you doing here then?


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