My Hillary Clinton Sex Fantasies – And the Jews Who Tried to Stop Them

Dear Ultra-Orthodox Jewish editors,

I want to send along my sincere thanks for removing the images of Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and Director for Counterterrorism Audrey Tomason from the now famous Situation Room photo.

I know that you removed Hillary Clinton and Audrey Tomason to protect the virtue of Jewish men everywhere. And I, for one, appreciate your efforts. Like all other Jewish men, I have a great deal of difficulty controlling my urges when it comes to Hillary Clinton photos. And it turns out that the sight of Tomason’s head leaves me with similarly unholy thoughts.

My real problem is not what you did to the photo, but rather that, in my case, it was too late. Alas, I have already been exposed to the images of Hillary sitting there in her pantsuit, hand over her mouth as if she can’t believe what she is seeing. And even though I know she is looking at footage from the Osama raid, I can’t help but imagine that I’m the one that has her in such a tizzy. And then the fantasies take on a life of their own. Sometimes when I look at the picture, I think about what it would be like if it were just Hillary and me in that room, how I would slowly remove her handsome tweed jacket, how she would whisper about American diplomacy in Sub-Saharan Africa while I nibbled on her ears. Sometimes I think about what it would be like if all the others stayed and watched.

And then there are the times when I don’t think at all. When just glancing at the photo makes me run to the bathroom to jerk off.

And, as if Hillary seated in her pantsuit were not enough, I shift my eyes upward and there is Tomason in the background, impishly tilting her female head to the side, as if to say, “Yes, Jew, I feel you looking at me. Wanting me. Needing me.” And then I’m racing to the bathroom again.

Still, even though it is too late, even though I already know I will be fantasizing about being the quarter pound Hebrew National dog in the middle of a Hillary-Audrey bun for quite some time, I sincerely applaud your intentions. You guys tried.

Keep up the great work.

Sincerely,

-Mason Lerner