Gingrich: I Cheated On My Wife Because I Love My Country So Much
File this one in the “you can’t make it up” category: in an interview today with The Christian Broadcasting Network, presidential-hopeful Newt Gingrich said that he has been driven to adultery in the past in part because of how “passionately [he] felt about this country.” Not only is this excuse immediately laughable (unless – as a friend of mine said – he had an affair with Betsy Ross), but it also serves to cover up some really nasty personal history with a flag.
For those of you who don’t know the full (and sordid) back-story here, Newt – who was previously Speaker of the House of Representatives – has divorced two wives and is now married to a third. The most gritty detail about all of this is, of course, that Gingrich divorced his first wife soon after she completed a cancer-related surgery. One version of the story even has Gingrich presenting his first wife with divorce papers in a hospital room, although that is contested.
Newt’s adultery habit didn’t end with his first wife. While serving as Speaker of the House in the midst of the Monica Lewinsky scandal, Gingrich repeatedly carried out extramarital affairs behind the back of his second wife, Marianne. Plenty of gross details surrounding this one too – including a nice witness report of Newt having a little too much fun while in the driver’s seat. This one also ended poorly: soon after Newt divorced Marianne, she was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. And Newt was pretty much forced out of the House of Representatives as a result.
Jump 13 years into the future, and Newt’s back. The idea that Gingrich will be able to use patriotism to brush aside his past in an attempt to appease social conservatives is beyond being a joke. I mean, this is a guy who will likely end up having to run against real heroes of the cultural-right like Mike Huckabee and Rick “Anal Leakage” Santorum. It sure won’t be easy at least. Perhaps this is what the big hold up is in Newt officially coming out and joining the presidential fray.
And yeah, this is by no means the first time that a political candidate has used patriotism as an excuse for something. But I really can’t think of having heard anything like this one before. I mean, really, go and try this one out some time. The logic here is incredible. In this interview, Newt Gingrich pretty much said that he had so much love for his country that it became something sexual that he just had to spread around over the course of a two-decades-long adultery binge. Flawless! I mean, I’m not Professor Logic or anything, but this sounds completely sound to me.
But really, the most tragic thing about all of this – at least for those of us who never had the fortune to be married to Newt Gingrich?
The worst thing about Gingrich being back on TV, defending his man-slut past with patriotism and the American flag?
Once again, Americans are forced to think about Newt Gingrich having sex.
Photo by Gage Skidmore
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