Bush scoffed at the suggestion that his new romance was a publicity stunt. “I already had that with Kim Kardashian,” said Bush. “This is love. The Vince Lombardi Trophy understands me like no woman ever has.”

Not even reports that the trophy had been spending the night with other members of the Saints could dim Bush’s new passion. “I want to spend the rest of my life with this trophy,” Bush said, as his teammates gathered around him and began to rub and pour champagne all over his new fiancee.

Rumors are already swirling that the trophy spent the night with Saints coach Sean Payton only days after accepting Bush’s proposal.

“I don’t get caught up in all that,” said the Vince Lombardi Trophy. “I have not been touched by a man like that since Jack Lambert made love to me in the locker room shower after Super Bowl XIV.”

Just weeks after unveiling the iPad, Apple CEO Steve Jobs once again surprised the tech world today with the company’s new USB flash drive. “We call it the iTampon,” Jobs said, holding the pen-shaped gadget aloft for the world to see.

“A lot of people thought Apple didn’t think enough about the iPad name,” Jobs said at a hastily-organized event in San Francisco. “They couldn’t be more wrong. We always planned to name our most important product after a feminine hygiene product.”

Tech analysts say the iTampon is a savvy move on Apple’s part. “It’s like the guy who falls down and then has to keep falling down every day to prove that the first fall wasn’t a mistake,” said Mark Lewis of Tech Futures. “I wouldn’t be half-surprised if they introduced an iDouche Bag computer carrier next.”

While there are no reports as of yet about the iDouche Bag, credible sources have heard that Jobs is intent on proving he didn’t make a mistake and that another gadget named after a feminine hygiene product is on the way. “It could be an iDouche Bag or could be a bidet desktop,” the insider said.  “At this point, we can only be certain of  two things:  Apple’s next product will be a cool device and it will be named after something that women use to keep their genitals clean.”

While away from vaginas, Oden’s penis said it would do volunteer work, including helping the local fire department to put out fires and  rescue people trapped in tall buildings. It may also travel to Haiti to help clear the rubble.

In response to the statement, Oden appeared at a press conference and said that while he wasn’t thrilled with his penis’s decision, he understood and thought that it was the right move. “He needs some time to cool down,” Oden said. “I know that when the time is right, he’ll be back  f&*king fine bitches all night long.” Oden’s penis then emerged from his shorts to give the Trailblazer’s center a high five.

“I don’t know,” said one new iRock owner. “I just thought it would, like, have a screen or buttons or something.” Other Apple fanatics were less generous. “I really don’t think I would have waited in line for two weeks if I knew it was just going to be a smooth rock,” said one man.

Despite the growing anger, a few Apple loyalists claimed to be happy with their new tablets. “It’s classic Apple,” said David Abrams of Houston, Texas. “Brilliantly simple and elegant.” Abrams said that while he would not be able to use his Apple iRock for work, in light of the absence of screen, keyboard, or any other modern devices, he would find a way to make use of his favorite new gadget.  Asked how exactly he would make use of the tablet, Abrams screamed “Apple rules!” and ran in the opposite direction.