Review of: Candy, Snacks, and Cereal
M&Ms: “Melt in your mouth, not in your hands.” So true. But do you know why they don’t melt in your hands? Because this candy was specially designed for the U.S. Military during World War II. Allow me to break it down: sugar and chocolate = gives you energy; non-sticky fingers = you can keep firing your gun at those damn Germans without having to pause to wipe your hands off. By the way, in case you were wondering, this is all 100% true.
Frankly, I think the secret military nature of M&Ms could be played up a little more in the current ads, instead of using, say, those computer-generated talking candies that creep me out. “Whether you’re in the mood for shooting terrorists, insurgents, or your own Army captain, M&Ms are the candy for you. …M&Ms: because it’s time to kill.”
Plus, eating the green ones means that you’re a virgin: “Ha ha, you’re a virgin!” Or eating the green ones means that you’re a slut: “Slut!” I can’t remember which. But I think I can resolve the debate. Let me put it this way; if you’re spending excessive amounts of time worrying about the color of candy that you eat, then you’re a virgin. Grade: A-minus
Kool-Aid: I was in the store the other day, and I saw that they have introduced a new flavor of this called “Clear Kool-Aid,” formerly known as “Sugar.” Hurray for marketing!¹
Anyway, Kool-Aid rocks! Who didn’t love “the Kool-Aid Man”? Nothing could stop that motherfucker; not walls, not brick walls, not even more walls. And in addition to “the Man” himself, Kool-Aid is also the drink of choice for crazy South American cultists who want to commit mass suicide via poisoning. Oh Yeah! …This information affects my admiration for Kool-Aid not a whit, but still, good to know.² Grade: A
Good n’ Plenty: According to my mom, this used to come in a box that you could then fold into a whistle, which you could then blow to create a “Choo-Choo” sound. Well, that sounds fun! But they changed the box because of fears that it could be easily tampered with by candy poisoners. To which I say: Motherfucking candy poisoners! Can’t we have anything good and fun in this world without you trying to ruin it? How long? …For how long must we sing this song?
…So, as for the candy itself: I like it! But everyone else thinks it’s gross. Must have something to do with the licorice aspect. Plus, they look like pills, so when you were nine, you could “down” a bunch of them, and pretend that you were doing a whole lot of Quaaludes. You drink some Kool-Aid, you do some Good n’ Plenty ‘ludes, and then you can see through time, my friends… Grade: B-minus
Cheetos: Yuck! Plus, what is it with the yellow crap that becomes eternally stuck to your fingers? It’s a battle to the death between unremoveable Cheetos crap and accidentally inhaling a bunch of powdered sugar from a jelly doughnut, then choking and coughing on it for fifteen minutes for the title of “Most unpleasant side-effect of a food that was already, by itself, gross.” Grade: D-minus
Baker’s Chocolate: I think that this stuff was just created solely to mock little children. My mom baked a lot, so we always had some of it in our house. So… mom’s out of the kitchen for a while: Chocolate! We have chocolate in the house! Let me just pull it down from the shelf, open the box, and… EW! AGGH! BITTER! NON-SUGARY! GROSS! And then, two weeks later, I’d stupidly try it again: “Maybe it won’t be so bad this time… EW! AGH! BITTER!”
I even tried sprinkling sugar on the top of it before I ate it, but no, that doesn’t work either. Save your time and money, people, ’cause Baker’s Chocolate gets a grade of: F
Trix: Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids. But why? Are rabbits allergic to Trix? Will eating Trix cause them to lose their glossy pelt and become rabid? There must be some compelling reason, right? To deny a desperate rabbit breakfast cereal for so long? But no… it just turns out that kids are assholes.
But, if you’re an aging hipster like myself, you might remember that in the early 80s, Trix actually had a phone-in contest to decide if the silly rabbit should be able to finally have some goddamn Trix. I instantly dialed the 1-800 number and voted “NO!” However, the final results of the contest — which I actually had to go and research in order to write this review — were:
99% - YES, give him some cereal already.
1% - NO, cereal is bad for rabbits.
…I believe that my single phone call constituted the entire ”negative one percent.” …And so, we were treated to a commercial where a bowl of Trix was finally placed in the rabbit’s trembling hands, and he got to desperately wolf it down. I think he may even have wept in gratitude when he finished the bowl. …Of course, by the end of the commercial, the kids went back to telling the rabbit to fuck off, and returned to pushing him down and setting him on fire so that he couldn’t reach the cereal box. Mean!
But see, the reason that I voted “No” was… isn’t this just plain meaner than never giving him any “Trix” at all?³ To be denied a glimpse of paradise for so long, and then to be allowed one fleeting taste of it before having it all rudely yanked away … well, you decide. Is it better to touch perfection, even if only for a second… or is it better to be allowed to dream of it forever, never truly knowing it, without the coarse interference of so-called Platonic “reality”? …Pretty deep, and kind of a good question, eh? (“…Oh, silly rabbit! …Advanced epistemology is for kids!”)
ANY-way. As for the cereal itself, I never ate it. Is it any good? Grade: C
1) So… I would like to pause here and take a moment to apologize for the vague and — let’s face it — inaccurate title of this entire Review column. Kool-Aid is neither a snack nor a candy. It is a “drink.” And Baker’s Chocolate is not a snack or candy either. Allow me to do you the courtesy of being blunt: I just wrote down some stuff about food items that I wanted to make fun of, and then threw them all together. I got lazy. I am sorry. I HAVE REGRETS.
2) Although it is a little creepy that the Kool-Aid Man is carrying around a small pitcher of himself in the drawing. This is the equivalent of me running around being like: “Hey, do you guys want to try some of my nice delicious blood plasma? Here, it’s tasty and fantastic! Have some!”
3) Actually, this is not 100% true. The real reason that I voted “No” on giving the rabbit Trix was this — as a kid, I was a big stickler for tradition. …Seriously. I was like, “But if he gets to eat some Trix, then that ruins the integrity of the entire concept!” Seriously. I am in no way making this up.
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