The Big Mac: “Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun.” Right. Got it. And what’s in the “special sauce”? It’s supposed to be this big secret, but let’s be honest: the secret of the “special sauce” is the worst-kept secret since Valerie Plame being in the CIA. Or since “Victoria’s Secret.”¹ …The sauce is just goddamn Thousand Island dressing. And that’s fine with me, because Thousand Island dressing is just French dressing with some relish added to it. And since French dressing and relish are two of my favorite things already, this is great.
ANY-way… I love the Big Mac. In fact, it’s entirely possible that I will give all McDonalds food straight “A”s. Sure, you could make the Big Mac at home out of actual good ingredients and it would be better for you and taste better. But would you have the middle bun? The unique McDonalds’ middle bun that is a regular hamburger bun with no top and no bottom? No. No, you would not have that specialized pre-fabricated bun, and thus your homemade “Big Mac” would merely be sad and failure-ish and creepy. And sure, I guess you could very carefully slice off the top of a regular hamburger bun, but let’s face it… you’re never going to get around to doing any of this. You’re always saying stuff like “Yeah, I’m totally going to slice off the top of a bun to make a homemade Big Mac,” but then you get all distracted and are like, “Hey, is ‘Jon and Kate Plus 8′ on?” And this is why you fail and why I hate you. Grade: A
Quarter Pounder (with Cheese): I admire food that tells you how much fatter you will be after eating it. “How much fatter?” CHOMP. “Well, at least .25 pounds fatter, that’s for sure. Hey, are you going to eat all of those fries?” Grade: A
Filet O’ Fish: “Filet O’ Fish” is just such a jaunty goddamn name. It’s so happy and it just makes me want to eat the fuck out of some sandwiches. This is the real genius of McDonalds: the cutesy goddamn names. Because “Fish Sandwich with cheese on top” makes me want to eat nothing. Nothing at all. Grade: A
French Fries: Fantastic. And I like the limp, floppy ones, but most people like the crispy ones, so that totally works out. We can go to McDonalds and swap fries and be friends! Let’s go and do that. Right now. Today. Grade: A
Chicken McNuggets: McNuggets come in five preformatted shapes like jigsaw puzzle pieces. If this sort of thing freaks you out, then you should really stay the fuck away from McDonalds in the first place. And the best sauce is Honey Mustard. Grade: A …Honey Mustard Grade: A
The Happy Meal: See? This is what I was talking about with the Filet O’ Fish thing. How can you not want to eat something that is called a “Happy Meal”? The only way you could make it better would be to add even more upbeat words. Like “Happy Kitten Rainbow Meal.” But that wouldn’t actually make it better. It would just make it sound Japanese. Grade: A
Egg McMuffin: It took me years to figure out that the Egg McMuffin was supposed to be, like, Eggs Benedict. There are certain things that can be plausibly replicated in crappy fast food form. But perfectly quivering poached eggs topped with a delicate Hollandaise sauce on a lightly toasted English muffin is not one of them. …Yuck. And thus, the Egg McMuffin brings to an end McDonalds’ streak of heretofore unmatched Review perfection. Grade: F
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A SINGLE FOOTNOTE:
1) Victoria is a slut. It’s not a secret. No big secret there.
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Oliver Miller
Oliver Miller is a freelance writer living in Manhattan. ...
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