Review of: Classic Video Games (Part One)

Pac-Man: Many times, I have expressed relief at the fact that my life isn’t like Pac-Man. Or indeed like any video game. But especially Pac-Man. BECAUSE PAC-MAN NEVER STOPS. You flee, you eat dots, you eat dots, you eat dots, you eat power-pellets that temporarily make you strong, you eat ghosts, the ghosts come back, you flee some more. Basically the big highlight of your life is occasionally getting to have a pretzel for dinner instead of some bouncing fruit. If this isn’t a metaphor for life under capitalism or something, it should be. Luckily, I don’t have a job, so I wouldn’t know. And I am pleased to be able to finally answer the age-old question: where do you go when you enter the magic tunnels? …Where do you go? You go straight to hell. Grade: B-plus

Donkey Kong: I am pleased to actually be able to answer an actual mysterious question about this game. Why the fuck is it called “Donkey Kong”? Well, it was supposed to be called “Monkey Kong,” but they screwed up the translation from the Japanese. That’s the actual straight dope, my friends. As for the rest of the game… meh. Bouncing flaming barrels. A hammer that you can’t actually carry up a ladder. Whatever. The real message of this game, like every other video game and like most movies, is that chicks suck. You save the girl, she stands there stupidly for a couple of seconds, allowing Donkey Kong to grab her again, and then you move on to the next level. Repeat ad infinitum. What’s the Japanese for “I’m having some problems with this relationship”? Grade: C

Breakout: I actually liked Breakout, or, as it is occasionally called, “Arkanoid,” until someone pointed out to me that it was basically “Pong” for people with no friends. Then I got depressed for a while. Grade: D

Missile Command: This was never a fun game for me, because — it being 1982 and the height of the Cold War and everything — this is what I really thought the future was going to be like: nukes falling on New York, Cleveland, Chicago, Miami, Denver, Los Angeles…. with the difference that we wouldn’t actually have zappy laser beams to shoot the missiles down with. Not that it mattered. You couldn’t actually win this game; the missiles just fell faster and faster until Philadelphia and everyplace else was toast and the words ‘THE END’ came onto the screen in massive block letters. It was always fun to stare at these words for a while and wonder to yourself, “But what if we had gone the diplomatic route instead? How about a little détente?” Actually, I just like the word “détente.” It’s a fun word! Grade: C-minus

Dig-Dug: This is one of those “What the fuck?” games. I’ve always held out a dim hope that these things make more sense if you’re Japanese or stoned or both or something. Basically, you’re a little guy with a helmet and a tire-inflater thingy whose mission is to go deep underneath the earth in order to inflate monsters with air. If you don’t inflate them, they’ll escape and do god knows what. Other things to be aware of: Rocks can fall on you, but not if you’re directly below them. If monsters want to escape, they turn into a pair of eyes. Even though you can dig through solid earth, you can’t dig through flowers. Music speeds up as things become harder. Is any of this weird at all, or am I the one with the problem? Oh, and watch out for the dragon! He shoots flames. Grade: B