A Guide for the Perplexed: This blog consists of reviews of nearly every single thing in the universe. We will be giving all of these things grades, from A-plus to F. See the first column for more details.
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REVIEW OF SEXUAL POSITIONS (AND LOCATIONS)
The Missionary Position: So-called because when Christian missionaries went off to foreign lands, they told the natives that this was the only position that God approved of, and hence, the only one that they could use. …Which raises a number of questions. Like, did it just have to be straight-up missionary position, two people, flat as boards? What about flinging one leg over the back? How about two legs? Could you sort of twist to the side? Was the wearing of belly chains and high-heeled clear Lucite shoes allowed? I’m not just asking for an investigation into Vatican City records for the truth behind this, I’m demanding one. As far as my personal feelings concerning the missionary position… well… you definitely didn’t need to know this, but the missionary position is the only position in which I can have an orgasm.[1] And that’s about all I can think of to say about the missionary position. A pretty boring entry for a pretty boring position. Grade: a very solid B
The Knee-Trembler: Otherwise known as Having Sex While Standing Up. People who do the Knee-Trembler a lot must select their sexual partners based more solely on height than I ever do. Most people I’ve tried this with have either been too tall or too short to get things lined up right. Either that, or people who do this all the time have many more stepladders and big telephone directories lying around the house than I do. One time, I met this girl, and everything lined up perfectly (if you catch my drift). But even then, it wasn’t so great that we weren’t both kind of like, “Hey, is there anything on TV right now?” Grade: C-minus
On the counter, on the couch, on the edge of a table, etc.: Sweet. I can groove on this. Basically, these positions contain the general sexual advantages of the missionary position without the stultifying Ozzie-and-Harriet-ness of the same. Having sex on top of random household objects has a sort of devil-make-care-ness that I highly approve of. And it’s not like you’re doing it while riding a motorcycle or inside a collapsing dam or anything like that. Basically, you’re out of control, but you’re not out of control out of control, if you know what I mean. You’re living your life at 60mph: above the speed limit, but not fast enough to get arrested. …Which pretty much sums me up. So basically a big-thumbs up for these positions. Unless, of course, the table is wobbly. Then you’re screwed. Grade: A
Fellatio: Good, good… Except that (ahem) I can’t ORGASM[2] from it. But still, I’m not one to look a gift horse in the mouth.[3] And I’m also not above writing double entendres such as “look a gift horse in the mouth.” And, anyway, do you really think that I’m going to write an entry mocking oral sex? Do you think I’m going to be sarcastic about it? Do you think that I ever want to be able to receive oral sex again? The answers, in case you’re wondering, are No, No, and Yes. Grade: A
Cunnilingus: I simply cannot touch this. See above. Grade: Blank
On an Airplane: I mean, I shouldn’t really share this with you guys, but this one time, on a Delta flight number 4-0-0-Niner, coming out of Seattle with a layover in Houston, I met this… stunning girl, her name was Inga, and I wasn’t quite sure where she was from, but I definitely detected more than a hint of an Indo-European accent, if you know what I mean, and she turned and took a sip of her Fresca and said to me, “Tell me. How do you Americans say? Kilo? Kilometer-High-Club? Is that how you say? Or is it Mile? Mile-High-Club?“ And I reached over and put my hand on her knee and I said to her, “Baby, you can call it whatever you like,” and oh, okay, I am a LIAR. I tell lies… I am a LIAR. Grade: F
Threesomes: I had three different shots at this (appropriately enough), and I screwed it up each time. The first time would have been with two girls, as per their suggestion, except that I was stoned for the very first time in my life, and could barely muster up the courage to say “I’m hungry.”
The second time, my girlfriend and I asked another girl to come home from a bar with us, then forgot all about it. Two hours later, the girl knocked on our door, except she was drunk and had a cowboy hat on and had a guy with her, and so my girlfriend and I cowered in our apartment and didn’t answer the door and ended up watching the rest of “The English Patient” on Cinemax.[4]
The third time, this girl wanted to have sex with my (male) roommate and myself, and my friend and I were both pretty excited about the prospect, until we started to realize that we didn’t even like walking around in front of each other in boxer shorts, and the whole thing just sort of fizzled out.
The thing about that girl was, she wanted the two of us to pretend to be her professors, and her to be the student. My roommate and I thought it would have been funny to have her come over dressed up as a schoolgirl, while we sat behind a desk and used desiccated English accents, saying stuff like — “Miss… Jones. Professor Miller… and I… have detected a certain flaccidity in your treatment… of T. S. Eliot’s later… work. For example, in paragraph three, you completely… overstate the importance of Le Mot Juste, while ignoring the fact that of course Eliot placed nearly all of his… attention on the Objective… Correlative. Well. I’m afraid that we’re going to have a very… long night in front of us, Miss… Jones. I’m afraid that we must demand a complete… rewrite…” – and just sort of went on like that for two hours.
…Of course, thinking like this is probably why we were two lame-os who never got to have a threesome. So, there is that. Grade: F. Of course… with some remedial work… you may be able… to improve this grade…
Anal Sex: In combination with the threesome story and the airplane story, a very Vanilla picture of my sex life is starting to emerge. Well, here we go again. Despite its astonishing popularity in porn, I don’t like anal sex.[5] Never have, never will. I’ve done it about four times in my life, and I didn’t like it any of those times. Apart from my whole niggling fear that someone was going to get hurt, there was my whole feeling that… you know… we have these penises… we have these vaginas… they fit together pretty well… they probably both took billions of years to evolve as sexual organs, and here we are, us wacky people, and we’re like, We’re bored with this. What next? I realize I’m in the minority here with this one, but to me, it just seems like spitting in the face of God. Or, since I don’t believe in God, spitting in the face of whatever Jeffersonian/Aristotelian/Deistic thingy it was that set the universe in motion. Okay, people. Whatever. You want to jam your penis in that girl’s rectum? Go for it. But what next? …What next indeed? “Oh, baby, I love it when you do my… Leg!/Ear!/Spleen!“ Ow. Grade: D-plus
Golden Showers: …Seek. Professional. Help. Grade: Z-minus
Masturbation: At last. The Holy Grail. Masturbation is a phenomenon that generally arises in teenagerhood, and in my case, this directly coincided with the rise of cable TV. With today’s modern satellite TV, you no longer get the thrill of watching scrambled cable television channels, but let me tell you, scrambled TV channels greatly aided the development of my life-long masturbation habit. I’ve checked around with some of my guy friends and found general agreement on this point. My parents didn’t want to shill out the extra twenty bucks for, say, “The Playboy Channel,” but with some judicious flipping, you could generally find that same porn on the higher channels, albeit in scrambled form. Of course, there were some problems with the scrambled channels. In order:
1) They were scrambled.
2) Everything looked like a negative black-and-white photograph.
3) For some reason, the more movement there was within the image itself, the more scrambled the picture became. Since sex involves a lot of, you know, moving around, this could lead to some problems.
4) What sort of problems, you ask?
…Well, since people on television are generally moving and doing stuff (even when not having sex), usually the picture was pretty scrambled. But every now and then, the people on TV would stand still, or stare, and suddenly the picture would snap into clear focus. And then you could finally see clearly what you were masturbating to. Which was usually a good thing. But… sometimes. Sometimes not a good thing. Let me tell you. Now, in today’s modern age, with the rise of the internet, and downloadable movies, and Megan Fox video clips, today’s teenagers may never know the true, the soul-shattering horror, of thinking that you were jerking off to the Playboy Channel, and being, say, about to climax, and suddenly having the picture snap into focus, and seeing in front of you… in full color… the enormous face of Bea Arthur. And that’s a verrrry good thing. Grade: A-minus to D-plus, depending
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FOOTNOTES:
[1] I can say, but not type, the word cum. Maybe because it’s misspelled?
[2] See above.
[3] Although sometimes, girls get all take-charge-y, and are like, “You can’t come from oral sex? Well, you’ve never met me before, Mister!” And then they dedicate the next forty-five minutes to the proposition that they can, in fact, make you come from oral sex. Which is not fun. Having your penis gradually turned into a mass of quivering pain cells over a forty-five minute period is not particularly fun. I realize that this is an incredibly lame and petty thing to complain about — especially considering the fact that we still live in a world where War, Poverty, Oppression, and Sarah Palin still stalk the earth. It is a very whiny thing to complain about. But still, I’m gonna complain about it here, because I am whiny.
[4] In addition, the girlfriend in this anecdote was a BISEXUAL STRIPPER. Whom I went out with for THREE YEARS. So, in addition to the other lame achievements that I have racked up in my life, I also hold the World Record for… “LONGEST PERIOD OF TIME SPENT DATING A BISEXUAL STRIPPER WITHOUT HAVING A THREESOME.”
[5] None of this, of course, applies to gay men, for whom the anus simply is the dominant sexual organ, in the same way that Elvis IS the King or Bruce Wayne IS the Batman.
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Oliver Miller
Oliver Miller is a freelance writer living in Manhattan. ...
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Bea Arthur, Masturbation, Megan Fox, Reviews, Sex, Threesomes
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