Next time you’re DTF, reach for a Romney.

The same company that brought you Obama condoms is now marketing a line of condoms dedicated to GOP candidate Mitt Romney. As advertised on the website: “Despite Mitt’s inability to stick to a position, Romney condoms are great for any position.”

The condoms with Romney’s face on the package cost about five dollars each, so you probably won’t be stocking up if you’re hard for cash. But is there a better Valentine’s Day gift for your man than a Romney Rubber?

If you can afford five dollar condoms, you can now think of Mitt Romney every time you’re about to get it in. It’s contraception for the one percent!

Caution: Mitt Romney condoms may cause flip-flopping.

Please feel free to add your own Mitt Romney condom jokes in the comments section.

I'll be damned if that guy isn't creepy-looking

Ryanair boss Michael O’Leary wants porn on his flights.

Well, you know, sometimes when the baby in the seat in front of you starts crying loudly, or the elderly woman sitting next to you just won’t shut up, you just wish you could start watching people have sex on your iPhone, right?

Mr.O’Leary, CEO of the budget airline, said he wants to launch a pay-per-view porn app that would allow passengers to enjoy pornography on their iPads or smartphones while flying Ryanair, raising the question of who would possibly use this service.

The service, as planned, would also allow passengers to do things that actually make sense on a flight, like playing games or gambling.

O’Leary has also recently proposed such bright ideas as removing all but one toilet on Ryanair flights, or charging passengers for using toilets.

O’Leary clarified to The Sun, “I’m not talking about having it on screens on the back of seats for everyone to see. It would be on handheld devices. Hotels around the world have it, so why wouldn’t we?”

To which the resoundingly obvious answer is: Because you’re an airline, dumbass.

More From Erik Oster:

Highlights From Yesterday’s Promoted #McRib Trend

Has Fred Durst Gained Self-Awareness?

“I want you to hit me… as hard as you can.” …Indeed. And haven’t we all made this request to someone else, at one time or another? Actually, probably not. As typical slothful Americans, we rely on movie stars to take our punches for us – as well as to pilot our spaceships, fight off our futuristic transforming robots, and have sex with our Ann Hathaways. Yep, that’s motion pictures for you. And a movie without punching is like a day without sunshine – that is, it’s something that only takes place about 30% of the time.

So here, courtesy of the good people at Screened.com, is a montage of all your favorite movie face-punches, including the above-alluded-to Fight Club punch, as well as everyone’s favorite human punching bag, Ned Ryerson – Needlenose Ned, Ned the Head – from Groundhog Day, bing. In addition, there’s That Chick being slapped a million times in Airplane!, plus Ivan Drago in Rocky IV, who learned to his peril that punching Rocky was like punching a piece of iron, before promptly being punched in the face himself. Plus sixteen other famous movie punches! See if you can identify them all, or maybe you won’t be able to, because you were busy having a social life in high school or something, who knows?

…Yep. Wasn’t that fun and/or cathartic? And in case you have any additional questions – such as Why did we watch this today, of all days? or Why punching exactly? or What are these strange printed words appearing on my screen, is this like some kind of interlinked network of computers that I’m on now, some sort of “net” or series of tubes? –  well, please do not ask such questions, for questioning the punching video is a punchable offense.

And now, here’s a special bonus thing: three minutes of Brad Pitt being hit by cars over and over again for some reason. I myself watched until the minute thirty mark in the video, because I’m still working through my feelings about hearing the neologism “Brangelina” 20,000 times in the past five years. Anyway, take that, Mr. William Bradley “Brad” Pitt. Seven Minutes in Tibet? More like One Hundred Ninety Seconds of You Being Pummeled Relentlessly By Moving Vehicles – amirite? Hi, hello? Does no one remember that movie? Sound of crickets? …Aaah, whatever. Screw you guys; I’m going home.

Yesterday McDonald’s promoted #McRib and people tweeted up a storm. Here are some of the highlights.

Some people like the McRib way too much:

@slarkpope: Gonna buy a bunch of #McRib sammiches, build a meat-woman out of em. Name her Eve. Make little #McRib babies with her. Eat them. #McRib

@NotSeanPayton: I love the #mcRib. Not just eating it. I mean love. Like I buy two. I eat one and put lipstick on the other and… Love it

Thank you for not elaborating any further.

@tonybgoode: FACT: 99% of people want the McRib to come back. We are the 99%. #occupymcrib

I question your sources on that one, @tonybgoode.

And some people hate it:

@UrbanGem: I told yall it was gon trend…the fuggin #McRib made out of orangutan meat and flavored with cat urine!!!!

@JdotCAKES: today on the way home a pigeon flew into my bosses windshield and died #McRib

@krztoff: When McDonalds paid to promote the #mcrib hash tag, I wonder if they considered how many would comment on it being made from orangutan meat.

This was a recurring theme.

One person seemed a bit more level-headed:

@bethefan: even though it has less real meat in it than a new born goldfish, a McRib an french fries sounds good right now.

Coincidence?:

@ApexToApex: It’s interesting how #McRib and #LindsayLohanPosingNudeinPlayboy are both trending, because they’re pretty much the same thing.

This is an astoundingly astute observation.

@scottwiters: so #McRib and HPV are trending…

@CMulligan22: #McRib is trending, how many twitter accounts does the fat #kardashian actually have

I wonder which one he means…

Comparisons:

@Pure_Nonsense: The McRib is back again? It’s kinda like Jersey Shore. It’s terrible for society and nobody really likes it, but it keeps coming back.

I wonder how many people have eaten a McRib while watching Jersey Shore.

@waitwait: The #McRib is just something you have to do, whether you like it or not. Like puberty.

Also like puberty (for girls at least), the McRib has been known to cause severe cramping. (Sorry.)

@willychambers: the #McRib is like an exgirlfriend visiting, you know you probably shouldn’t do it, but hey, it’s back for a limited time

Just don’t order a McRib while your ex is visiting.

Questions:

@Idybevrage: Does the #McRib really give you psychadelic hallucinations? Going to try one today.

If only…

@nickcaito: i wonder if Qaddafi got to try a #McRib before this all went down…

Qaddafi kept a dream journal. In that journal was a recurring dream where he went to McDonalds with Condoleezza Rice, they both ordered the McRib, and she licked the barbecue sauce from his face. (Sorry again.)

@iammattburch: Have you ever seen #McRib and Tom Arnold in the same place?

This could also go in the theories section…

Suggestions:

@Noonz: They should just do the obvious thing and have Lipitor ads on the wrapper for the delicious #McRib. #synergy

McDonald’s: Listen to this guy!

@andycahn: If the #McRib has no bones, it should be called #McTissue

That’s pretty fucking gross.

One theory:

@rainnwilson: McRib is people! @McDonalds McRib is PEEE-PULLL!!!!!

A lot of people ripped this one off.

Kind of random:

@WineKeep: Well McDonalds has brought back the #McRib! Wine Lovers: What bottle would you pair up with this famous fast food delicacy? Let us know!

Umm. What!? Is this serious? If there’s a wine that pairs well with the McRib, I don’t want to try it.

@lexybieb_mahone: #McRib one of the very few thongs I actually eat at McDonald’s

Holy shit that’s disgusting: McThong.

@CrushFitness: Nothing cool about bad smells in the cardio area, #cardiofarts no thanks. Quit eating #McRib before workouts, and in general.

I’m not going to get into this one…

@teeawgo: At first, I thought #McRib was the name of some upcoming rapper. I was like who’s MC Rib?

MC Rib in the house, for a limited time only.

The show will star Durst as a rock star attempting to balance his career with his family life and will be written by Matthew Carlson and produced by John Schneider (Rob Schneider’s brother).

The idea that Fred Durst could have gained self-awareness, seemingly disproved by such lyrics as “I did it all for the nookie/So you could take that cookie and stick it up your ass” is a new and controversial one. Many claim that Durst’s agent convinced him to sign on to the project without Durst really understanding what was going on, or that Durst is operating under the assumption that the douchebag of the title doesn’t refer to him, or that he fails to see the correlation between the show’s main character and his own life, or that he in fact doesn’t know what the term “douchebag” means, or that he is under the impression that the show has something to do with an actual bag of douche. Others take the move as a sign that Durst has reached a level of self-consciousness that has allowed him to realize that he is a douchebag, and that his career could benefit from this realization.

Those on both sides of the debate admit that no conclusive evidence has been given either way, and that further study is necessary before it can be determined whether or not Durst has in fact gained self-awareness.

The freelancer said the cash was “only” used to pay for “supplies and security” but refused to elaborate to neighbors after the second renovation of what the Huffpost LA Real Estate page calls a “Neutra-esque” house near the Hollywood sign as well as the now viral Flickr photostream of the couple visiting GreenBreathe Eco-Spa and then Mario Batali’s “Mozza” restaurant, sans reservations, on a Friday night.

Grossbard admitted that, despite public disapproval and “potentially seeming desperate to those who might fund my professional efforts,” he will continue to accept the payments, which amount to “no more than $110,000, three times a year.” He added that ‘money flow’ is simply part of a ‘healthy and adult’ relationship with one’s aging parents. “Gifts are not just for so-called ‘underage’ children, on ‘religious’ holidays for people who believe in false ‘Gods,’” he noted on the blog AnotherJonathanWrites.com, where his “job history” includes a short-lived ‘contributing relationship’ at The Onion. “You aren’t ‘less of a man,’ if your father’s petty cash keeps your genetically inferior ankles in the $150 New Balance sneakers you ‘need,’ in the words of Cedars-Sinai’s top orthopedist, in order to keep hiking the grueling, if paved, trail at Runyon Canyon for necessary cardio.”

“All the ‘Senior Grossbards’ have requested in return for these investments are a lack of so-called ‘limbic’ responses to their hourly inquiries about my ‘career choice,’ as well as when my wife and I might conceive, or at the very least travel to an underdeveloped but non-African country to adopt, a child,” said Grossbard. “In return, I have also promised to update them daily on fertility testing we pay for ourselves as well as the work I have been able to publish in this currently harsh environment for people with unusual talents like mine. There may even be some reciprocal help requested on my family’s part later when my father eventually launches his planned web site about ‘tennis and disappointment,’ but we’ll cross that road when we come to it.”

“We have to be transparent now,” Grossbard continued. “Clearly, observers have long been well aware of some ‘fiduciary injections,’ lest they believed we could afford a Lexus hybrid SUV and Malibu summer house rental in a world that doesn’t value truly great thinking.”

Grossbard also said that his ailing paternal grandmother, Feiga, 93, had given him “well-deserved” amounts of cash and shares in the SPDR Gold ETF via a twice-yearly “birthday/Hanukkah card slush fund.”

“Her only requirement has been that we ‘really live,’” Grossbard said. “I have always respected my elders, hence new iPads for both of our modest professional offices on Robertson, and a few ‘responsible’ purchases at Guitar Center as well as Design Within Reach.”

Grossbard’s parents say that while they plan to phase out the payments, they will keep the funds coming until “the world and, hopefully, Knopf or Farrar, Straus & Giroux come to understand Jonathan’s immeasurable talent, to say nothing of his inconceivably bad timing and fortune — for example, marrying a philosopher, albeit a lovely, studious one from immigrant parents who lack professional degrees and friends at Goldman.”

Whether or not Grossbard’s brother, Zack “DolphinSmack” Grossbard, a 38-year-old freelance “mashup sound-artist” living suspiciously in the Tribeca section of Manhattan, has received similar cash installments, has yet to be determined.

As we all know, Hollywood ran out of original ideas for movies around about the time that “The Godfather” was released, and ever since then, we’ve been subjected to an endless series of sequels, superhero movies, and romantic comedies where the girl has to decide between the nice guy and the evil WASP-y douche.  But Hollywood’s latest fixation, for some reason, is turning board games into full-length motion pictures.

Yes, it’s true.  There are already movies coming out based on — and remember that I’m not making any of this up, but I am too lazy to provide a lot of links — there are currently movies coming out based on Monopoly, Candyland, Ouija, and… the View-Master.  Granted, the View-Master isn’t actually a board game, but it is a childhood toy that cannot in any way be transformed into a two-hour movie with a plot, except that someone thought that it would be a good idea to do that.  And hey!  Did you know that the Monopoly movie is being directed by Ridley Scott?  Yes, the guy who directed Blade Runner and Alien is now directing a film based on the game where the only actual strategy is “don’t buy any railroads.”  Clearly, our culture is ready to collapse, Roman-Empire-style, just about any day now.

And so, now it is time to hark to the newest installment in these ongoing culture wars — the full-length, feature film version of the board game “Battleship.” And in case you still don’t believe any of this — well, here’s the trailer:

So, if you were ever wondering how a movie could be based on a game where people yell out things like “B-4!” and “C-2!” — well, now you know.  What you do is you get that guy from Friday Night Lights to be a “Top Gun”-style navy dude, and then you pay Liam Neeson a shitload of money to be his overbearing captain and WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THIS MOVIE, LIAM NEESON?  WHY, WHY, WHY?  YOU WERE IN “SCHINDLER’S LIST” FOR CHRISSAKES.

Ahem, sorry about that.  And then, anyway, to complete your “Battleship” movie, you throw in some space aliens, based on the theory that this movie already makes no sense anyway, so why not throw in some space aliens.  And then, the good guys fight the space aliens, while Liam Neeson says stuff like “Prepare to fire!” and then the other dude is like “Which weapons, sir?” and Liam Neeson is all like “All of them!” — and, really?  All of the weapons?  Even the guns that are like facing in the wrong direction?  Okay, whatever, Academy-Award-winner Liam Neeson.

Anyway, even though I’m never going to see this movie, here’s my suggested strategy for the good guys — cluster all your ships together in one tiny corner of the ocean and hope that the aliens never shoot at that section of the ocean.  Either that, or just let the aliens shoot you, but when they actually hit you, lie and say that they missed — see, because that’s what you do in the game… are these jokes workings for you guys at all?

So, good stuff, Hollywood!  “Battleship”!  Coming in 2012!  But what other tricks do you have up your sleeve, Hollywood?  “Hungry Hungry Hippos,” starring Liam Neeson and a bunch of CGI alien evil hippos?  “Yahtzee,” starring Liam Neeson and some CGI alien dice?  …Truly, the mind reels and boggles and then reels and boggles again.

Yup!  That certainly was a movie trailer.  Much like “Valentine’s Day,” the strategy of “New Year’s Eve” seems to be to throw out the random names of actors in the hopes that you will find one or two of them marginally tolerable.  Hey, do you like Ashton Kutcher? “Nope; no one does, right?”  Katherine Heigl? “Ugh.” Jon Bon Jovi? “…Jon Bon Jovi? …The fuck?” Or how about Seth Meyers, Michelle Pfeiffer, Jessica Biel, Ryan Seacrest, Carla Gugino, Alyssa Milano, Sienna Miller, John Lithgow, Ice Cube, Julie Andrews, Frankie Muniz, John Stamos… because these are all people in this movie that we made for some reason.

Another nice thing that the two movies have in common — they’re both about holidays that are seemingly designed to make you feel like shit.  We all know that Valentine’s Day is designed to make you feel like shit about your current relationship — or lack thereof.  Unless you’re one of those perfect people who are already in a perfect relationship, in which case Valentine’s Day is designed to make you feel even more smug about your own life.

But New Year’s Day is even more awful — a day where you have to have fun, yay!  I’ve had actual fun on about two New Year’s Days, ever — two out of my thirty-five years on this earth — and one of those two times where I had fun was by accident.  And now there’s a movie that can perfectly replicate that experience — a movie that’s supposed to be a fun night out, but will just turn out to be a horrible crashing bore and drag instead.

“Rebecca Black” is the name of a current person that we love to hate, although people that we “love to hate” are so fleeing and transitory in pop culture these days. Remember when we “loved to hate” the Octomom, or Paris Hilton, or “the Situation,” or Jon and Kate Plus Eight? No? Me neither.

ANY-way, Rebecca Black is also responsible for the song “Friday,” which cleverly pointed out that Friday comes after Thursday but precedes Saturday, which is useful information if, say, English is your second language and you’re studying for a U.S. citizenship test or something.

…So, that’s great. But hey! Did you know that Rebecca Black still exists? And that she released a new song this week? Well, both of these things are true, which puts to rest the internet rumor that she died tragically in a fire in a tenement building after exploding from eating Pop Rocks mixed with Coke, which is an internet rumor that I just made up.

Anyway, hark to her new song, which, well — here’s the video for it:

So this song is called “My Moment,” and seems to be directed at all “the haters” who dared to hate on Rebecca Black for, you know, having no talent and stuff. But here, Rebecca boldly refutes her critics, who said that she would be “nothing.”  “…I’m about to prove you wrong,” she adds.

And how does she prove us wrong? Why, by warbling such lyrics as “I’m not the only one/ Who believes in something.” Uh, what? Rebecca Black, you are the fucking queen of vagueness. Here’s a news flash: everyone believes in something, because, well, everyone just does, that’s all. To point out your own importance by singing that you believe in “something,” something that you don’t care to define, is just the stupidest thing that has ever happened.

Then, the song proceeds in a startlingly bitchy fashion, with Rebecca Black pointing out how everyone who doesn’t like her sucks, but since the song is so relentlessly chipper and Auto-Tuned, it takes a second for the actual bitchiness to kick in. Then she points out that this is her “moment” by saying that 59 times in a row. No; Rebecca, it’s not your moment, BECAUSE NO ONE LIKES YOU. What’s happening is that you’re confusing bad attention with positive attention… so I guess this is the “moment” in time where that is happening.

…Anyway, and then after that, Rebecca Black probably sings a bunch of other stupid shit, but I’ll never know, because I turned off the music video at the 1:04 mark, since I don’t get paid enough to watch an entire Rebecca Black video. You guys can feel free to watch the rest of it if you want, though. Let me know if it magically becomes good, or if she points out that this is her moment again, or maybe does that a couple hundred more times.

Michele Bachmann makes me sad.  She makes me sad because she’s about 3% smarter and better-looking than Sarah Palin, which only serves to underscore how truly, truly dumb Sarah Palin really is.  (And this also serves to underscore that Sarah Palin is not that hot after all.  And hey — what is it with people who think that Sarah Palin is hot?  …I’m pretty shallow.  I should be willing to admit that she’s cute even if I hate her political views.  But I don’t think she’s cute:  she looks like every average-looking mom I’ve ever seen who still manages to do a bunch of yoga or some jogging.  …Am I just missing something here?)

Anyway, here is a new video of Michele Bachmann (though the footage itself is from 2009).  In the video, she prays to God for an end to health care reform, and asks God to forgive the “sinners” in our government who have approved of such a thing.  Because this is what God cares about:  an internecine Democratic/Republican dispute over health care.  In Michele Bachmann’s unique worldview, God also probably cares about, say, ethanol subsidies in, say, Iowa.  Because this is the kind of  pointless political shit that God wastes his time thinking about.  The rapture?  Good and evil?  Life, the universe, and everything?  Nah.  Fuck that noise.  God cares about health care bills.

Here is the video.  It contains all the crazy that you would want, expect, and need from such a video, plus a little extra added crazy on top of that — sort of like a crazy cherry added to the top of an already insane sundae:

…Amen.  Need we remind you that this woman is running for President?  …For President of the United States of America. Yes, that’s the country that we all live in.  This is a woman who has the type of uniquely blinkered view of God shared only by 5-year-olds and NFL players — God cares about everything that is important to me me me.  And now she’s running for President; President of this country.  Did we mention that already?  We did?  Okay; good.