Executives at Monster are taking the news of the tragic stock plummet hard. One anonymous executive said that the 14 percent stock drop was “a truly tragic” event “adversely affecting everyone who owns stock in the company.” While he expressed dismay at the “unfortunate incidents” of the individuals whose deaths from caffeine toxicity, “may or may not have had something to do with their consumption of our beverage” (which contains 240mg of caffeine per 24 oz. can) he added, “Our hearts go out to the true victims of this situation — Monster stock holders, and, of course, their families. You are not alone. My family, for example, will be forced to cancel our semi-annual trip to the Virgin Islands, since my bonus is tied to stock performance,” the Monster executive said tearfully. “And I can just forget about that new set of golf clubs. We may even have to sell one of our boats. There’s really no other word for this. It’s a tragedy.”

When asked how the company would deal with such a loss, he responded, “Probably just let go of a bunch of secretaries and maintenance workers and such. We know how to cut corners.”

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Some people — not me, God knows, but some people — might say that Mitt Romney is a bit of an out-of-touch elitist. This is all based on mild comments that he makes such as saying that 47% of Americans are pathetic welfare bums who deserve to die. But hey, Mitt’s just saying what we’re all really thinking, right? …Right?

Or at least, he’s saying what incredibly privileged emotionally stunted WASP-y billionaires are really thinking. …Which brings us to the Tumblr Lucille and Mitt, which pairs the wit and wisdom of Willard Mitt Romney with images of Lucille Bluth, the frosty matriarch from Arrested Development.

Somehow, reading Mitt’s words but hearing them in Lucile’s disdainful, vodka-and-tonic-soaked sneer really drives home the problem that Mr. Romney might be facing. The problem being that Mitt and Lucille both sort of seem to hate the “common man.”  …And the greater problem being that Lucille at least is funny, whereas Mitt is really not.

So here are some selected images from Lucille and Mitt — and again, you can check out the entire Tumblr right… here. And remember, these are all actual Mitt Romney quotes. Please to enjoy:

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Here, courtesy of me trolling through the “Weird Books” selection at Abe Books, are my selections for the twenty weirdest books of all time. I’m going to present them with minimal commentary and just show their covers, because nothing I could say could make them better. But here, if you like, are some short descriptions of the books, given by their publishers. See if you can match the descriptions with the books. It should be pretty easy:

“A non-fiction look at how scabs form, and how one is to take care of them.”

“Heavy-duty disappearing techniques for those with a need to know.”

“A three-year-old is a real puzzle to parents.”

“Have you ever wondered what action you must take to keep clear of that fast-approaching ship? This book will tell you how to do so quickly and in simple terms.”

“History.”

“Now from the incomparable team who stood fairy tales on their heads with The Stinky Cheese Man, come fables as you’ve never heard them before.”

“Children are challenged to guess the animal by looking at it from a rear view before turning the page to see the entire animal.”

“Become the unique and beautifully designed person God has created to reflect Jesus Christ to the world.”

And now — presented with zero commentary from me — are the covers of the 20 weirdest books of all time, including the now-already-semi-famous How to Avoid Huge Ships, which I love, and about which I have no words:

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Exciting news, everyone:  Sarah Palin has decided to weigh in and opine on the presidential race. I know. Yes, Sarah Heath Palin, America’s Favorite Sweetheart Who Seems Like She Was Relevant a Million Years Ago, Not Four Years Ago, has decided to take off time from her busy career of doing… nothing… in order to weigh in on the presidential race.  I know.

Sarah gave a statement to The Weekly Standard, in which she suggested that Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan should, quote/unquote, “Go rogue.” Because “Go rogue” is something that Sarah Palin just sort of automatically says at random intervals.  So, here’s some more info about that:

“With so much at stake in this election, both Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan should ‘go rogue’ and not hold back from telling the American people the true state of our economy and national security,” Palin said in the statement. “They need to continue to find ways to break through the filter of the liberal media to communicate their message of reform.”

Palin suggested that America needs to wake up to the troubles it faces, and that Romney and Ryan can help bring that about. “America desperately needs to have a ‘come to Jesus’ moment in discussing our big dysfunctional, disconnected, and debt-ridden federal government,” Palin said.

Palin also lambasted President Obama over the national debt. “At the founding of our country, a great American patriot wrote, ‘If there must be trouble, let it be in my day, that my child may have peace,’” said Palin. “Obama’s motto seems to be, ‘Let the good times roll in my day. The kids can deal with the catastrophic bankruptcy in theirs.’

…Interesting… stuff.  Though it’s never truly been clear exactly what “going rogue” means in any context.  Some political observers would argue that in Sarah’s case, it meant going wildly off-message and ruining John McCain’s slim chance to win the presidency.  However, other observers might argue that in fact, “going rogue” means… nothing at all, and is in fact a blank signifier, mere airy meaningless persiflage spewed out in a failed effort to obscure the fact that Sarah Palin never actually says anything of substance at all. …But that’s probably crazy-talk.

Anyway, go rogue, go rogue, go rogue, Obama’s fault, blah blah. It’s also cute that Sarah Palin managed to say that Paul Ryan and Mitt Romney should “come to Jesus,” because Sarah Palin really really likes talking about Jesus and Jesus-related things in her theocratic way.  However, it should be pointed out that Sarah Palin followed that up by quoting Thomas Paine — he’s the “great American patriot” that she references.  Unfortunately, Thomas Paine was a noted opponent of organized religion, who spent most of his later career attacking religion and its outsized influence on government, which is a wild contrast to what Sarah Palin does.

But then, internal consistency, or looking things up, or research, or knowing what she’s talking about has never been Sarah Palin’s strong suit.  And hey, that’s probably what “going rogue” really means.  It just means saying whatever the hell.

And now, for no reason, here’s a picture of Sarah Palin from her days as a television sports-anchor.  Possibly she’s going rogue in the photo, it’s not clear.  After this photo, this essay is just going to randomly end, because I feel like going rogue too.  Here’s the photo.  Please to enjoy:

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According to Deadline Hollywood, Fox TV — of all things — will be creating a “sophisticated, contemporary” version of Hamlet — of all things. That’d be Hamlet, the play by William Shakespeare, universally considered to be one of the greatest things ever written in the English language, but which maybe was lacking in contemporaneity and sophisticated, um, ness — but now, Fox is on the scene to add those things to Hamlet, and thank god.

The new Hamlet TV show will be called America’s Son, because, sure, why the hell not — and will be a “part juicy soap, part political thriller,” according to the writer, a Mr. Paul Redford, who previously wrote for The West Wing, which makes him more than amply qualified to fuck around with the greatest drama in history and borrow from it and reuse it for his own stupid purposes. …Apparently Mr. Redford never heard the following quote: ‘Neither a borrower nor a lender be: For loan oft loses both itself and friend’ — which is a quote from some old play or other, god, who even knows which one. Or this quote — ‘O horrible, O horrible, most horrible!’ — which pretty much sums up all reasonable opinions about this project from Fox.’

ANY-way, so the show is set in Washington, D.C., and here’s the description of the show’s plot:

When a beloved presidential hopeful dies in a tragic car wreck, a renegade JFK Jr. type returns home to D.C. to discover his father’s death was no accident — and he makes it his mission to untangle a complicated web of family secrets, expose the truth and ultimately avenge the murder.

‘The sight is dismal,’ to quote some play or other yet again. …I mean, really, the show description barely has anything to do with Hamlet, except for the idea of revenge, and the idea of family secrets, which are really just basic archetypal ideas that you could use without pretending that your show is a remake of Hamlet. But then, of course, if you didn’t pretend that your show was a remake of Hamlet, then you’d get less press attention — such as the press attention contained within this article, for instance.

Truly, this Hamlet show is a little more than kin, and a little less than kind. How stale, flat, and unprofitable seem to us all the uses of this world. But we must hold our tongues, for the rest is silence. …And so anyway, now, for no reason, here’s the best film version of Hamlet ever created — Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Hamlet, which is a real thing that actually happened, sort of. Hopefully the TV show will be 1/1000th as good as it. Although, then again, there’s nothing good or bad, but thinking makes it so, to quote someone or other, once again. Here’s the video of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Hamlet. Please to enjoy–

The post ‘Hamlet’ Is a Fox TV Show Now, Because Sure, Why the Hell Not? appeared first on The Faster Times.

It honestly never occurred to me before that all video game characters always head to the right. I am speaking, of course, of 2-D characters, from the 8-bit age — the age of real video-gaming, or, at least, the age when I actually played video games, which was 1985 or so. The 8-bit era was the era when we had these things called “arcades,” which were supposedly dens of iniquity, according to parents, though being a nerd, I never got in trouble in an arcade. Though you could probably buy drugs there, or something.

My memories of arcades involve blowing through my entire weekly allowance in a twenty-five minute period, followed by aimless hours of standing around. I’d get dropped off with a friend or two, and then inevitably be drawn to a game that I was terrible at, such as “Q*Bert,” “Tempest,” or “Double Dragon.” I could never stick to the games I was good at: a terrible mistake.

You got your quarters from the surly older dude who changed dollars into quarters. You maybe bought a piece of greasy pizza from the pizza parlor next door. And then you played. And you lost. The goal was to go to the right. To keep walking or running to the right, until your avatar rescued the princess or saved the President from drug lords or beat up the final space mutant or gangster or robot.

In the days before consoles, the goal of a game was to defeat you. Many games wouldn’t even let you “continue.” The goal was to block your quest to go to the right, over and over again. (It should be noted that there were a few exceptions to going to the right. In some space-based games, or army-based games, you wanted to go up. And in some very early games, such as “Breakout,” or “Centipede,” you went… nowhere at all.

I was trolling through YouTube the other day, when I found this shockingly good tribute to older games of the arcade, Atari, and Nintendo variety. It celebrates the struggle to head to the right. Yeah, it’s just pixelated characters, but this video might surprise you, with the unexpected pathos of it all. It might even make you a little weepy. Please to enjoy:

…What’s the meaning, what’s the moral here? “Go to the right.” The moral seems to be that persistence is crucial. Don’t procrastinate. Seek your bliss. Don’t be turned away from reaching your ultimate goal. That seems to be the moral here. And also: never go to the left — because that’s just stupid.

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“The eyes are the window to the soul,” Aristotle once wrote. That’s something to think about, although also something to think about is Homer Simpson’s mangled description of Muppets: “They’re not quite a mop, and they’re not quite a puppet, but man… so to answer your question, I don’t know.”

For a long time now, we have only encountered Muppets with googly-eyes, or Muppets with ping-pong ball eyes, or whatever their eyes are made of. But the Tumblr Muppets with People Eyes aims to rectify this situation — though after viewing the photographs, you might understandably feel that it was not a situation that needed to be rectified.

Yes, it turns out that Muppets with people eyes are terrifying — utterly terrifying. Muppets with people eyes gives us the window to a very, very scary soul indeed. Below are the photographs.  I would merely warn you that once you see them, you will not be able to unsee them. Prepare youself–

_____

Kermit:

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Cookie Monster:

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Gonzo the Great:

_

Elmo:

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Scooter:

And Miss Piggy:

_____

…You see? I warned you. You cannot say I didn’t warn you. Anyway, go to the Tumblr — muppetswithpeopleeyes.tumblr.com — for more hot terrifying Muppet action. …As for me, I’m going to go look at something cleansing, to rid the memory of these images from my eyes. Maybe I’ll try watching an old episode of the Muppet Show to cheer me up. Or maybe that’s a terrible idea. …Go away, images of Muppets with human eyes!

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Guastaferro was perhaps the most memorable and infamous of all the spoiled brats on Wife Swap — and if you’ve ever sat through a Wife Swap marathon, you know that’s saying something. One of Alicia’s more memorable moments came when she said, “I do feel sorry for people that are not gorgeous people.” What empathy! Although the most telling and disturbing detail from Guastaferro’s segment was her parents keeping a Christmas tree up in the house year-round, accompanied by a new gift for Alicia every morning. Her mother let herself off the hook for spoiling her daughter by rationalizing that “…she’s just such a pleasurable child and deserves it.” She may now regret that choice of words.

Guastaferro was arrested Monday morning for prostitution, in a rest stop off the New York State Thruway. At least she’s keeping it classy. Guastaferro was also charged with Criminal Possession of a Controlled Substance 7th Degree, when police officers found in her purse “a pink mint tin ‘containing several small zip loc bags with pills, identified as controlled substances’” and Criminal Impersonation.

Alicia Guastaferro was in the car of 54-year-old Rochester attorney Jimmy Doyle, found sleeping on his steering wheel, who was charged with patronizing a prostitute, DWI, unlawfully dealing with a child, and providing alcohol to a minor. Guastaferro, still 20, initially told police her name was Brittany Myers, while handing them a fake driver’s license with that name. When questioned about the fake ID, she told police, “Jimmy Doyle gave it to me so I can get drinks and be in the casino with him,” adding “at Carrabbas, he (Doyle) bought me dinner and drinks, I had 3 Pomegranate martinis.” Carrabas, it’s where sleazy, middle-aged attorneys go to wine and dine 20-year-old prostitutes.

When pressed for further information about her relationship with Doyle, Guastaferro admitted, “He gives me 500 to 700 to spend the night.”

The officer then asked, “500 to 700 a night? To consummate?”

Guastaferro replied, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what you mean.” After a little explanation, Guastaferro admitted “He calls me about two times a month and we have sex for 500 to 700.”

To this, Doyle added, “500 to 700 may be a lot, but she’s just such a pleasurable child and deserves it.” (Okay, not really.)

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Katy Perry and John Mayer were photographed having dinner together at Chateau Marmont in L.A. on Wednesday, says Us Weekly. This news was made exponentially worse by the fact that I recently finished eating lunch.

The two reportedly held hands across the table and — oh god, I feel sick, I’m really not sure I can type this — snuck each other a few kisses.

Excuse me a moment, I need to get some fresh air.

Perry, known for her vacuous yet catchy pop hits, is recently divorced from Russell Brand, and she seems out to prove that she has the worst taste in men ever. According to Us Weekly’s source, Perry is not officially dating the infantile, racist, misogynistic narcissist responsible for such crimes against humanity as “Your Body Is A Wonderland,” “They’re just hooking up right now.” Do not pause to reflect on what is meant by the phrase “hooking up.” Just don’t. Trust me. Especially if you’ve just eaten a sandwich.

And now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to stop thinking about this before I forever lose my taste for almond butter.

The post John Mayer And Katy Perry Might Be Hollywood’s Newest Couple, I Might Have Just Thrown Up In My Mouth A Little Bit appeared first on The Faster Times.

Tampa area gay man Clarence Truman has conflicted feelings about Chick-fil-A.

The Christian fast food chain has drawn ire for their considerable contributions to bigoted anti-gay groups such as the Marriage & Family Foundation, Exodus International and the Family Research Council. Today, in an interview with the Baptist Press, Chick-fil-A President Dan Cathy said that the company is “very supportive of the family — the biblical definition of the family unit.” He continued spouting such ignorant nonsense as “I think we are inviting God’s judgement on our nation when we shake our fist at Him and say ‘we know better than you as to what constitutes a marriage’ and I pray God’s mercy on our generation that has such a prideful, arrogant attitude to think that we have the audacity to define what marriage is about,” completely missing the irony inherent in his arrogant assumption that he knows God’s will, to say nothing of his ignorance of the fact that marriage as defined in the bible basically grants the husband ownership of his wife.

“Well, their bigoted views are really terrible,” Truman said. “But I just can’t resist their spicy chicken sandwich.” Asked how often he attended the restaurant, Truman shifted uncomfortably in his seat, “Maybe once a month,” he said, “I try to go as few times as possible…alright, three times a week. I can’t help it: I have a short lunch break and it’s the only fast-food that actually tastes like chicken. Okay, fine: I go every day. Are you happy?”

Asked if Dan Cathy’s statements would affect his patronage of the fast-food chain Truman shook his head. “I wish I had that much will power,” he said. “But that chicken is just too damned tasty.”

Truman added that he keeps his Chick-fil-A habit from his partner of 12 years, Jonathan Brenson. “I tell him I go to a local deli for lunch. Luckily he’s never asked about it — there aren’t even any delis anywhere near my office.”

“Look,” he said, “I’d make my own chicken sandwiches, but I can’t cook for shit.”

[If you love Chick-fil-A but hate bigotry, check out this recipe to make your own Chick-fil-A style sandwiches at home. And if you can't cook for shit, just try your best to resist.]

Image: pghlesbian.com

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