“Battleship,” the Movie — Yeah, This Is Really Happening
As we all know, Hollywood ran out of original ideas for movies around about the time that “The Godfather” was released, and ever since then, we’ve been subjected to an endless series of sequels, superhero movies, and romantic comedies where the girl has to decide between the nice guy and the evil WASP-y douche. But Hollywood’s latest fixation, for some reason, is turning board games into full-length motion pictures.
Yes, it’s true. There are already movies coming out based on — and remember that I’m not making any of this up, but I am too lazy to provide a lot of links — there are currently movies coming out based on Monopoly, Candyland, Ouija, and… the View-Master. Granted, the View-Master isn’t actually a board game, but it is a childhood toy that cannot in any way be transformed into a two-hour movie with a plot, except that someone thought that it would be a good idea to do that. And hey! Did you know that the Monopoly movie is being directed by Ridley Scott? Yes, the guy who directed Blade Runner and Alien is now directing a film based on the game where the only actual strategy is “don’t buy any railroads.” Clearly, our culture is ready to collapse, Roman-Empire-style, just about any day now.
And so, now it is time to hark to the newest installment in these ongoing culture wars — the full-length, feature film version of the board game “Battleship.” And in case you still don’t believe any of this — well, here’s the trailer:
So, if you were ever wondering how a movie could be based on a game where people yell out things like “B-4!” and “C-2!” — well, now you know. What you do is you get that guy from Friday Night Lights to be a “Top Gun”-style navy dude, and then you pay Liam Neeson a shitload of money to be his overbearing captain and WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THIS MOVIE, LIAM NEESON? WHY, WHY, WHY? YOU WERE IN “SCHINDLER’S LIST” FOR CHRISSAKES.
Ahem, sorry about that. And then, anyway, to complete your “Battleship” movie, you throw in some space aliens, based on the theory that this movie already makes no sense anyway, so why not throw in some space aliens. And then, the good guys fight the space aliens, while Liam Neeson says stuff like “Prepare to fire!” and then the other dude is like “Which weapons, sir?” and Liam Neeson is all like “All of them!” — and, really? All of the weapons? Even the guns that are like facing in the wrong direction? Okay, whatever, Academy-Award-winner Liam Neeson.
Anyway, even though I’m never going to see this movie, here’s my suggested strategy for the good guys — cluster all your ships together in one tiny corner of the ocean and hope that the aliens never shoot at that section of the ocean. Either that, or just let the aliens shoot you, but when they actually hit you, lie and say that they missed — see, because that’s what you do in the game… are these jokes workings for you guys at all?
So, good stuff, Hollywood! “Battleship”! Coming in 2012! But what other tricks do you have up your sleeve, Hollywood? “Hungry Hungry Hippos,” starring Liam Neeson and a bunch of CGI alien evil hippos? “Yahtzee,” starring Liam Neeson and some CGI alien dice? …Truly, the mind reels and boggles and then reels and boggles again.
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