“New Year’s Eve” is Now a Bad Movie

Hey, remember that movie “Valentine’s Day”?  That was certainly a movie about Valentine’s Day that took place on Valentine’s Day and was released around the time of Valentine’s Day. …Well, get ready to get excited, America, because now there’s a movie called “New Year’s Eve” that takes place on New Year’s Eve and — well, you can probably fill in the rest of this sentence for yourself.  And here’s the trailer for it–

Yup!  That certainly was a movie trailer.  Much like “Valentine’s Day,” the strategy of “New Year’s Eve” seems to be to throw out the random names of actors in the hopes that you will find one or two of them marginally tolerable.  Hey, do you like Ashton Kutcher? “Nope; no one does, right?”  Katherine Heigl? “Ugh.” Jon Bon Jovi? “…Jon Bon Jovi? …The fuck?” Or how about Seth Meyers, Michelle Pfeiffer, Jessica Biel, Ryan Seacrest, Carla Gugino, Alyssa Milano, Sienna Miller, John Lithgow, Ice Cube, Julie Andrews, Frankie Muniz, John Stamos… because these are all people in this movie that we made for some reason.

Another nice thing that the two movies have in common — they’re both about holidays that are seemingly designed to make you feel like shit.  We all know that Valentine’s Day is designed to make you feel like shit about your current relationship — or lack thereof.  Unless you’re one of those perfect people who are already in a perfect relationship, in which case Valentine’s Day is designed to make you feel even more smug about your own life.

But New Year’s Day is even more awful — a day where you have to have fun, yay!  I’ve had actual fun on about two New Year’s Days, ever — two out of my thirty-five years on this earth — and one of those two times where I had fun was by accident.  And now there’s a movie that can perfectly replicate that experience — a movie that’s supposed to be a fun night out, but will just turn out to be a horrible crashing bore and drag instead.

Oliver Miller
Oliver has a MFA in fiction from a very expensive college, but has never published any fiction. He has written for Nerve, McSweeney’s, The Huffington Post, and many other websites. His work has been f ...read more

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