Rebecca Black’s Bitchy New Song

“Rebecca Black” is the name of a current person that we love to hate, although people that we “love to hate” are so fleeing and transitory in pop culture these days. Remember when we “loved to hate” the Octomom, or Paris Hilton, or “the Situation,” or Jon and Kate Plus Eight? No? Me neither.

ANY-way, Rebecca Black is also responsible for the song “Friday,” which cleverly pointed out that Friday comes after Thursday but precedes Saturday, which is useful information if, say, English is your second language and you’re studying for a U.S. citizenship test or something.

…So, that’s great. But hey! Did you know that Rebecca Black still exists? And that she released a new song this week? Well, both of these things are true, which puts to rest the internet rumor that she died tragically in a fire in a tenement building after exploding from eating Pop Rocks mixed with Coke, which is an internet rumor that I just made up.

Anyway, hark to her new song, which, well — here’s the video for it:

So this song is called “My Moment,” and seems to be directed at all “the haters” who dared to hate on Rebecca Black for, you know, having no talent and stuff. But here, Rebecca boldly refutes her critics, who said that she would be “nothing.”  “…I’m about to prove you wrong,” she adds.

And how does she prove us wrong? Why, by warbling such lyrics as “I’m not the only one/ Who believes in something.” Uh, what? Rebecca Black, you are the fucking queen of vagueness. Here’s a news flash: everyone believes in something, because, well, everyone just does, that’s all. To point out your own importance by singing that you believe in “something,” something that you don’t care to define, is just the stupidest thing that has ever happened.

Then, the song proceeds in a startlingly bitchy fashion, with Rebecca Black pointing out how everyone who doesn’t like her sucks, but since the song is so relentlessly chipper and Auto-Tuned, it takes a second for the actual bitchiness to kick in. Then she points out that this is her “moment” by saying that 59 times in a row. No; Rebecca, it’s not your moment, BECAUSE NO ONE LIKES YOU. What’s happening is that you’re confusing bad attention with positive attention… so I guess this is the “moment” in time where that is happening.

…Anyway, and then after that, Rebecca Black probably sings a bunch of other stupid shit, but I’ll never know, because I turned off the music video at the 1:04 mark, since I don’t get paid enough to watch an entire Rebecca Black video. You guys can feel free to watch the rest of it if you want, though. Let me know if it magically becomes good, or if she points out that this is her moment again, or maybe does that a couple hundred more times.

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