Starbucks Unveils Its New Cup Size As Part of an Ongoing Plan to Kill You

Americans love things that are big:  SUVs, the Grand Canyon,  Mount Rushmore, Sarah Palin’s ego, you name it.  We also love coffee — because we need lots of coffee for our active, busy lifestyle that consists of constantly IMing and Facebooking each other about how active and busy we are.  Thus, you combine those two things — bigness and coffee — and you get… synergy!  You also get today’s news story about how Starbucks is unveiling a new 31-ounce-sized coffee, which should be just the thing to chug down before embarking on your latest all-night study session/18 hour-workday/multi-state killing spree.

The new coffee size will be called “Trenta,” which means “thirty” in Italian, which… something something insert hacky joke about how Starbucks names make no sense here.  I’d also make some joke about how 31 ounces of coffee is disgusting and unnecessary, part of a larger sign of the decline of America civilization, etc., except that I love coffee and I’ve already had like eight cups of coffee today, which explains why this sentence is kind of a long run-on sentence whoooo what was I talking about again guys?

Anyway, even though I’m not going to mock the new Starbucks coffee size, other people are still willing to mock it.  Specifically, Canadians are willing to mock it, and also provide a chart showing just how horrifying the new “Trenta” size is.  This is either because Canadians are superior to us dumb Yankees, or because they’re still pissed that we’ve stolen all their hockey teams and relocated them to Phoenix and Atlanta.

So here’s that chart, which you can click on if you’d like a larger version.  It shows just how huge the “Trenta” coffee is –  and it comes courtesy of the National Post, which is no doot a very important Canadian newspaper, eh?

And, okay — that is pretty horrifyingly big, and also cute, the way Canadians use milliliters and the way that they refer to soda as “pop.” No doubt you do not really want to drink a cup of coffee that is larger than the average capacity of a human stomach, or that contains nearly 1000 calories.  The “Trenta” also contains double the amount of liquid that a human bladder can hold, which, great, is really not the sort of thing I want to think about while ordering coffee, but it is now seared into my memory for all eternity.

Anyway, now that this has been brought to my attention, I am appropriately pissed off… at Canadians.  Screw you, Canadians, I’ll drink as many ounces of liquid as I want and then die of a perforated bladder if I want to, because this is America.  Go back to your curling and all those other stereotypical activities that I could make jokes about if only I had had more coffee, shit.