The Worst of 2010 — Sarah Palin As Always, Plus That Volcano in Iceland, Whatever It Was Called
Hi there! And welcome to the terrordome. And by “terrordome,” we mean the end of the year, which is the the time of the year when lazy-ass writers produce bullshit ‘Best of the Year’ lists. Ugh. But luckily, we have two pieces of good news for you.
(1) This isn’t going to be a ‘Best of the Year’ list. No, rather, it’s going to be a ‘Worst of the Year’ list. OHMIGOD DID WE JUST BLOW YOUR MINDS? WITH WHAT WE DID RIGHT THERE? Sorry if we did. But it’s something that needed to happen. Anyway, a “Worst of the Year” list is su-uuuch a clever idea, right? It’s also an idea that we stole from old issues of “Spy Magazine” from 1986. But let’s move on.
(2) As we all know, human history will come to a crashing end on January 1st, 2012, when zombie Mayans rise from the grave and eat our brains or whatevers. (We’re a little fuzzy on the details.) Frankly, this is awesome. Sure, most educated people scoff at the whole “2012 is the end-time” notion. But these people are gonna be so fucked when the zombie Mayans come to their door.
And as for the end of the world itself, we say this: Bring it on! Human history has been happening for way too long now, and it reached its peak in the year 1968, when the Beatles released “The White Album.” It’s all been downhill since then. Plus, since 2012 will be The End-Time, this is the last fucking “End of the Year List” you’ll ever have to read, since you’ll be busy stocking up on bottled water and machine guns during December, 2011. So, that’s nice.
And now! Segue something something! As we bring you…
THE WORST OF 2010 – PART ONE (in no particular order)
Worst Person: Sarah Palin. Hey, can we pencil Sarah Palin’s name in here forever, or just create some sort of MS Word “macro” that does it for us? Anyway, it was quite a year for Ms. Palin, as she invented the word “refudiate,” and finally assumed the title of “Fameslut” that she’s been so avidly pursuing.
And hey, did you hear? She has her own reality TV show now! People are outraged by this, but honestly, Sarah Palin is an awesome reality TV subject. She’s loud, she likes attention — she’s a wee bit bitchy… and all of these things are the exact requirements for being good on reality TV. So it’s a good thing, people! The only bad part is that the de facto leader of the Republican Party is someone whose major skill-set is that she’d be a great contestant on “The Amazing Race.”
Anyway, none of this is the major problem with Sarah Palin. The major problem is that journalists won’t stop writing about her, leading to stuff like this thing that you’re reading at this exact second. Writers won’t stop writing about her; but then, no one really wants to stop reading about her, either. The whole thing is awful, and it’s also like the story of the snake that swallowed its own unending tail, and it’s a real problem.
Worst Sarah Palin-based reality spin-off show: Christine O’Donnell. Ha ha! See what we did there? You probably thought that we’d say “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” or even “Bristol Palin on ‘Dancing With the Stars’” was the worst spin-off, but no — we went all “clever” with it. But actually, despite being a Palin-inspired knock-off, Christine O’Donnell isn’t that bad. As always, it’s a little terrifying that we keep almost electing these people — but hey, we didn’t elect her, and we as a nation survived the Bush years, which means that Americans are born survivors, like cockroaches. So even if we had elected Christine, things probably still would have been okay-ish.
Also, Christine O’Donnell is just plain fun, and we like her. We’d hate-fuck her way before Sarah, at least. (Although the only really acceptable Republican hate-fucking choice is Michelle Malkin, who is actually hot. …Unlike Sarah and Christine, who are the “let’s pretend that they’re hot” level of hot. You know, like Maggie Gyllenhaal. That sort of level of hot.)
ANY-way, Sarah Palin is always all like: blah blah, I’m trying to act all serious and Presidential-candidate-y even though I’m fucking terrible at it. Meanwhile, Christine O’Donnell spent her entire political campaign just saying whatever zany thing came into her head at any given second. We like that. A lot. Much more fun. Plus, she released a campaign ad where she said: “I’m not a witch. …I’m you.” Which is still kind of unbelievable, that that actually happened. But it did.
Worst celebrity: Katy Perry. Because we’re still not entirely sure who she is, which makes us feel old. She did that song about kissing a girl and now she’s married to the guy from “Forgetting Sarah Marshall,” yeah? But why is she so famous? Right, because she has big boobs. But still, why? It’s not like there’s a shortage of female pop singers with big boobs. Katy hasn’t exactly revolutionized the field in this regard. So again: why?
Also, her songs suck. Ke$ha is way better. KE$HA 4EVER Y’ALL. And Ke$ha is at least partially responsible for this, which is more than goddamn Katy Perry’s ever done.
Worst volcano: That Icelandic one. It delayed so-oooo many planes, whatever it was called. It had one of those Iceland-y sounding names. Like Vølcanoœsdottirssön, or something. Like if Björk and IKEA had a baby. Some sort of name like that.
Worst movie: “2012.” Despite what we said above about enjoying the impending apocalypse, misreading the Mayan calender does not mean that you get to make a John Cusack movie. Not one like that, anyway. Maybe a quirky indie comedy where he sits around discussing the end of he world. But there should be no such thing as a “John Cusack action movie.” Plus, he escapes the end of the world by driving – how retarded is that? …Plus, AAAAHHHH FUCK, WAIT, THIS MOVIE ACTUALLY CAME OUT LAST YEAR. Oh well. It’s too late now. Screw it.
Worst food trend: All of them. Bacon cupcakes, bacon mayonnaise, bacon-flavored bacon, bacon in bacon sauce served with bacon a la mode… Foot-long cheeseburgers. Hamburgers with grilled cheese sandwiches for buns. Bacon-and-cheese sandwiches with fried chicken for buns. Grilled cheese sandwiches with fried mozzarella sticks stuffed inside the cheese…
JESUS CHRIST ENOUGH ALREADY, GUYS. It’s not like American cuisine was that healthy to begin with. It’s not like we’re alternating eating these things with a simple meal of tofu and steamed broccoli served with a glass of naturally filtered rainwater that we’ve boiled and purified ourselves. No, we’re now alternating eating these things along with regular hamburgers, regular bacon, and regular fried cheeze-foodz.
Worst tech trend: The iPad. Or maybe not. Ennh, the iPad looks kinda cool, we guess. Still, on the scale of “inventions that weren’t totally necessary,” a “computer” without that pesky “keyboard” that you use to “type” things seems like it’d be up there. It’s like if you designed a new “car” and replaced that annoying old “steering wheel” with a touchpad. And then you’d crash into a tree. And die.
Still, we’d like an iPad and will buy one once we make enough money. So, as usual, we have no real point here. Though at least we didn’t fuck up the date with this one like we did with that “’2012′ movie joke.” So there’s that… and…
…COMING NEXT! PART TWO! Maybe we’ll make fun of “Mad Men”! Maybe we’ll bust on “Jersey Shore,” except everyone’s done that already. Will the “Tea Party” get zinged? Will “Facebook” receive a witty tongue-lashing? …Only the future knows!
UPDATE: Upon further reflection, we decided to say “Fuck it” to the whole idea of doing a “Part Two” to this article. After all, 2010 was terrible enough already — so who needs a second column to remind you of how much it sucked ass? So you’ll just have to use the power of your imagination, and guess the other awful shit that we were going to pick for the Worst of the Year…
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