What Your Vagina Needs Is More Rhinestones

What Your Vagina Needs Is More Rhinestones

Vaginas!  We all like them.  Although, if I could veer perilously off-topic for a second (and I always can), vaginas are the source of a Very Minor Disappointment™ in my life.  As a teenage guy, I saw breasts many years before I actually ever saw a vagina.  And unfortunately, breasts raised my expectation level a little too high.  “Wow,” I said to myself.  “If boobs look this awesome, then surely pussies will look even awesomer!”  …Wrong!  Incorrect.  Vaginas do not actually look cooler than breasts.  Oh well.

However, vaginas do make guy-on-girl sex possible.  And guy-on-girl sex is one of America’s favorite activities.  And so we should all pause from time to time in our busy lives, to give thanks that vaginas exist.

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…But wait.  If I could just speak to the ladies in the audience for a second.  (Let’s pause for a moment to allow all the guys to leave the room.)  …Okay.  Hello, Ladies.  Do you like your vagina?  …Of course you do.  But have you been feeling lately that your vagina looks a little, well, I don’t know:  oh, let’s just come out and say it.  Have you been feeling lately that your vagina looks a little blah?

Of course you have!  Duh.  Your vagina looks so bland and blah and it’s been driving you crazy!  Well, fret no more, my female friends!  For help is on the way!  For I bring you VAJAZZLING:

What Your Vagina Needs Is More Rhinestones

As you can plainly see from the photograph, “Vajazzling” is the process of adding little rhinestone-y thingies to freshly-shorn vaginas.  StyleList has the scoop:

The procedure was made popular by New York City’s Completely Bare Spa, as a post-waxing add-on service.  An esthetician decorates your newly bare nether region with stick-on Swarovski crystals in the design of your chioce.  A starburst?  A heart?  A butterfly, perhaps?

…Completely Bare owner Cindy Barshop…  did offer us this tidbit of information about how men react to the vajazzle:  “They LOVE it!” she said.  “They love it even more especially when it’s a surprise.”

Oh, yay!  Crystals in the shape of a heart, a starburst, or a butterfly, glued on to your freshly waxed vaj.  Finally, a way to make your pussy look like a glitter T-shirt from “Hot Topic”!

And hey!  Hypothetical men love it!  …And hypothetical men especially love the vajazzling when it’s a “surprise.”  And I guarantee that it’ll be a surprise!  A surprise along the lines of:  “Wow.  You glued rock-hard imitation diamonds directly next to the point where our nether regions make contact.  Um?  …Thanks so much.  Or, at least, thanks for not gluing on barbed wire or broken glass or something even more potentially painful, I guess.”

And here’s a video of a vajazzling session taking place, if you can stand it:

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fnDwcSfL2Tw

Ugh.  Just ugh.  And perhaps the most dismaying part of the above video is the revelation that the entire vajazzling trend was started by…  Jennifer Love Hewitt.  And so, here is the original video of J. Love Hewitt talking about having her vajayjay glitter-ified, on the “Lopez Tonight” show.  Go ahead and watch, as the parallel worlds of annoying starlets, unfunny talk shows, and stupid trends collide, merge, and explode:

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NvzhvKm_15k

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Wonderful.  And now it’s time to play “Choose Your Outrage.”  The most outrage-ifying aspect of the whole Vajazzling trend/non-trend is the following:

A)  The fact that Jennifer Love Hewitt calls her vagina her “precious lady.”

B)  Anything involving Jennifer Love Hewitt, up to and including “The Ghost Whisperer.”

C)  The word “Vajazzle” itself.

D)  The word “Vajayjay.”

E)  Any stupid slang term for the female genitalia, besides just plain “vagina” or “pussy.”

F)  The fact that the process of vajazzling, to modify my previous joke somewhat, just ends up making you look like you’re wearing an Ed Hardy T-shirt on your genitals.

G)  All of it.

And the actual answer is, of course, “none of the above.”  The most horrifying part of this trend is that, due to the inevitable process of metrosexuality, soon enough, this will also be a trend for guys.  Which means that circa 2015 or so, I’ll probably end up having stick-on crystals applied in a pattern of flames above my penis.  And that sucks.  And so, as always, I weep for the future.  …And as always, I hate you, Jennifer Love Hewitt.

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Oliver Miller
Oliver has a MFA in fiction from a very expensive college, but has never published any fiction. He has written for Nerve, McSweeney’s, The Huffington Post, and many other websites. His work has been f ...read more

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