John Mayer Is Still an Idiot
Nothing makes me sadder than the fact that I missed reading singer John Mayer’s historic interview with Playboy Magazine. It’s the funniest thing ever, and I missed it! In case you missed it too, here’s a link to the whole entire thing. John Mayer has already apologized repeatedly for the interview, in which he compared his penis to a member of the KKK and said that, quote, “black people love me.” Of course they do, John! Black people love anyone who is willing to compare their dick to the Klu Klux Klan! Everyone knows that!
In the interview, John Mayer also refers to Jessica Simpson as “sexual napalm,” and yammers on about how awesome he is in bed. Again, you really need to read the whole thing.
…And here’s John Mayer’s spoken-word apology for the interview, where he talks endlessly at one of his concerts, and in which he explains that he’s not a racist jerk, or something:
…John, John, John, John. What we have here is a failure to communicate. First of all, in your apology, you say that you need to stop trying to be “clever” and that you need to stop talking, and that you just need to concentrate on playing your guitar. And then you yammer on about yourself for an uninterrupted four-and-a-half minutes. Bad! Talking continually about yourself is what got you in trouble in the first place! Please to just shut up, already.
Also, and I hate to say this, John, but you sound like you’re on cocaine. A lot of cocaine. Only fully addicted coke-heads talk that much. And only coke-heads give interviews to Playboy with quotes like this:
The Internet, DVR, Netflix, Twitter — all these things are moments in time throughout your day when you’re able to soothe yourself. We have an autonomy of comfort and pleasure. By the way, pornography? It’s a new synaptic pathway. You wake up in the morning, open a thumbnail page, and it leads to a Pandora’s box of visuals. There have probably been days when I saw 300 vaginas before I got out of bed.
Wow. “An autonomy of comfort and pleasure.” “A new synaptic pathway.” “A Pandora’s box of visuals.” Those are such big words, John! Such big words that you have managed to combine into a meaningless addled coke-fueled fever dream of pointlessness. We salute you, John Mayer! No one has ever needed so many GRE words to say, “Hey, I like porn” before. Kudos and congrats.
But no. Maybe I’m wrong. (Although I’m probably not wrong about the cocaine part.) …Maybe the fault lies with us. Perhaps we are simply not wise enough to understand the genius that is John Mayer. And so, herewith, I present an annotated version of the John Mayer Playboy Interview, with comments to explain some of Mayer’s more confusing utterances, which, it turns out, are really smart things to say after all. Please to enjoy.
THE JOHN MAYER INTERVIEW, INTERPRETED
1) John Mayer on his penis: “My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I’ve got a Benetton heart and a fuckin’ David Duke cock. I’m going to start dating separately from my dick.”
Right! …Wait, what? Ignoring the casual semi-racism, what the hell does this quote even mean? “I’m going to start dating separately from my dick”? …Will John Mayer’s dick take a separate cab to the date? Or will it show up later at the apartment to make things awkward for everyone? Our best scientists have not yet come up with a efficient way to separate a man from his dick, but the idea of John Mayer as a castrati is, at the very least, something worth thinking about.
2) John Mayer on the Jews: “I’m half Jewish. People say, ‘Well, which side of your family is Jewish?’ I say, ‘My dad’s.’ And they always say it doesn’t count. But I will say I keep my pool at 92 degrees, so you do the math.”
As an actual official Jew, just allow me to say the following: …Zuh? …What? …Blurgh? “I keep my pool at 92 degrees”? What does that mean? Do Jews really like hot water? As a Jew, I was unaware of any connection between myself and really warm water. But then again, I also don’t have access to the insane genius brain of John Mayer, so maybe he’s on to something here. …Who knows?
3) John Mayer on black people loving him: “I am a very… I’m just very. V-E-R-Y. And if you can’t handle very, then I’m a douche bag. But I think the world needs a little very. That’s why black people love me.”
Yes, John Mayer! Black people love white-bread guitar players from Connecticut who compare their penises to members of the KKK. Truly, you have your finger on the zeitgeist here. And black people especially love you because you’re so very. Sorry. Because you’re so Very very very. I think that my head just exploded.
4) John Mayer on having sex with girls: “When I’m fucking you, I’m trying to fuck every man who’s ever fucked you, but in his ass, so you’ll say ‘No one’s ever done that to me in bed.’”
My god! John Mayer is saying what we’re all always thinking! Certainly, every time I have sex with a girl, I’m thinking to myself, “Gosh. How can I make this experience more like fucking her ex-boyfriend in the ass?!” …Such a normal thing to think! …But oh, John. You forgot to stick the all-important words “No Homo!” at the end of your quote. See, without you saying “No Homo,” we might interpret this quote incorrectly, and think that there was something odd about you wanting to fuck other men in the ass.
5) John Mayer on sex again, unfortunately: “Here’s what I really want to do at 32: fuck a girl and then, as she’s sleeping in bed, make breakfast for her. So she’s like, ‘What? You gave me five vaginal orgasms last night, and you’re making me a spinach omelet? You are the shit!’”
If John Mayer didn’t constantly mention how much sex he has, I would be tempted to think that he has never had sex with an actual living human being. “…Vaginal orgasm”? …Who talks like that? Who uses words like that? This is not how normal people refer to sex. Saying “vaginal orgasm” is like saying, “May I please have a carbonated sugar-free canned beverage?” where normal people say, “Hey, can I have a Diet Coke?”
6) John Mayer on being uniquely psychotic, in a John Mayer-y kind of way: “I want to dance. I want to get on an airplane and be like a ninja. I want to be an explorer. I want to be like The Bourne Identity. I don’t want to pet dogs in the kitchen.”
…I want to dance! On an airplane! Like a ninja! Matt Damon movie! …But no dogs! …John Mayer, I once again must salute you. A thousand monkeys typing randomly on a thousand typewriters for a thousand years could not achieve the level of blithering incoherence that you have achieved here. Truly, John Mayer, your crappy songs will disappear from our memories soon enough. But your psychotic interview? …That will live on forever.
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