The Iraq War Is Over! (Long Live the Iraq War!)

In the Spring of 2003, we signed up for a nifty little jaunt known as the Iraq War.  We did this because…  wait, why did we do it again?  Ah, yes.  We did it because Saddam Hussein Was About to Kill Us All.  Also, we did it because we were suffering under the collective delusion of:  “Hey, the first Iraq War went pretty swell!  So this one will probably go even more swell-ishly.”  And finally, we did it because we were very distracted at the time by the Internet and Reality TV, which were the hot new things in 2003, to the best of my recollection.

Well, it’s been seven years, and things didn’t go so swell-ishly, and we’re still in Iraq.  Man.  Is this war ever going to end?

_____

Well, yes.  It will.  For I bring you good news, everyone!  Because the Pentagon has announced that THE IRAQ WAR IS OVER AS OF SEPTEMBER  1ST.

(Short pause while you wait for the other shoe to drop.)

(Ready?)

(Okay.)

…Okay, to be honest, the Iraq War isn’t actually over.  But hey!  “Operation Iraqi Freedom,” the thing that we signed up for back in March, 2003; that is over now.

So, whooo!  OPERATION IRAQI FREEDOM IS OVER.  Finally!  And um…  now what?

…Well, the “now what” is that we’re now renaming the war.   ABC News has the relevant scoop:

Secretary of Defense Robert Gates wrote a memo to Central Command commander Gen. David Petraeus telling him that as of September the mission in Iraq will no longer be called “Operation Iraqi Freedom,” but rather “Operation New Dawn.”

Gates wrote that by changing the name at the same time as the change of mission — the scheduled withdrawal of U.S. combat troops — the US is sending “a strong signal” that “our forces are operating under a new mission.”

So okay!  That’s good news, right?  Granted, we’re still leaving 50,000 troops in Iraq, but hey — we’re renaming the mission.  And hey!  “Operation New Dawn.”  Sounds upbeat, in a 70s kind of way.  No one could have a problem with that, right?

Wrong!  Naturally some uppity liberals have a problem with this whole thing.  Stupid liberals!  Oh, will you ever win?  …Over at the Huffington Post, Arianna Huffington whines and moans, saying that she doesn’t like this attempt at “rebranding.”  Wow, she probably didn’t like “New Coke,” either.  There’s no telling what some people will complain about.  She says that instead of calling the war “Operation New Dawn,” it should be called this instead:  “A Huge, Tragic Mistake.”  Clever!  Because it is Arianna Huffington’s job to continually restate the obvious (and to hire her celebrity friends to continually restate the obvious).

Well, we here at The Faster Times can do a little better than that.  And so, here is your top ten list of new names for the Iraq War.  Please to enjoy:

1)  Operation Endless Trudge.

2)  Operation Unnecessary Vietnam War Analogy.

3)  Operation Kill the Patient.

4)  2 Iraq 2 Furious

5)  The Iraq War:  The Squeakquel.

6)  The Iraq War:  The Director’s Cut.

7)  Operation Ruin Obama’s Presidency.

8)  Operation Shitty Dawn.

9)  Operation, Hey, I Thought We Were Supposed to be Greeted with Flowers!  We’re Not Leaving Until We Get Our Flowers, Dammit, You Assholes.

10)  Operation Iranian Freedom.  (…Whoops.  Too Soon?)

…See, kids?  Rebranding can be fun.  And by “fun,” I of course mean “useless.”  And I’ll be seeing you with yet another new list of names in 2017, when we’re inevitably still bogged down in Iraq.  And so…  until then, enjoy your new war; same as the old war.