Being a man is tough. And the reason that being a man is tough is that we’re forced to hang out with women. This sucks, because no one can stand women. And the only reason that guys even hang out with girls in the first place is that we’re biologically forced to — because our strong hunter-gatherer instincts force us to “spread our seed,” preferably by sleeping with skanks that we never have to call again, amirite?
…But still, women. Man, I hate hanging out with women, because girls drag you to the mall and then they’re all like “Blah blah shoes blah blah shoes shoes blah shoes blah shoes.” And meanwhile, I’m all like, “Yo, babe, I was supposed to go Xtreme Base-Jumping with Ashton and Brody an hour ago! Shut your yap-hole, capicse?” …And then I’ll slap whatever woman who is talking on the ass, and she’ll glare at me, ’cause women so don’t get it.
…Fortunately, some people do understand my uniquely-blinkered world-view, and these people are: advertisers. Specifically, Super Bowl advertisers. Which works out because SUPER BOWL WHOO YEAH DOGG YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYIN? I love the Super Bowl, because I’m such a “guy’s guy,” which is why I was so totally into watching the Indiana Horsepeople play the New Orleans Golden Flower Things on Sunday night.
Click here for a review of this years (2011) Super Bowl ads: Superheros Beat Out Budweiser
And so, therefore, here is a round-up of all the best Super Bowl ads from this past weekend, and all the ways that they reminded us that women suck.
1) Women suck because they force you to be minimally competent in your own life.
This nifty ad for Dodge cars features a bunch of men who look as though they’re about to have some sort of psychotic nervous breakdown, along with a voice-over of said men’s thoughts. Their thoughts are all about the horrible horrible things that women force us to do. Like “shaving,” “going to work,” “taking off our socks when we go to bed,” and “being civil to their mothers.” Yo, women! What’s with all the rules? You’re telling me that I have to have a job, and shave, and not punch your mother in her face whenever I feel like it? Yeesh! Well, thank God I can relieve all the tension that these rules create, by taking a ride in my crappy American-made car…
2) Women suck because women b’ readin.
Book club! More like a LAME club, amirite? …Who even reads books anymore? I get all the info that I need from Twitter and shit. …But oh, wait. There’s beer at the book club? Oh, and it’s my favorite kind! Crappy watered-down lite beer! …Well, I guess I could stay at the book club, then. And maybe I’ll hit on your best friend while I’m brazenly showing my absolute disregard for everything that interests you! Yahoo!
3) Women suck because women are not as useful as tires.
Hot girls in skin-tight latex! We all hate them, am I right? Certainly, they’re not as cool as tires. When you meet a girl, in fact, you should always ask yourself the following questions:
a) Is she round?
b) Can she roll?
c) Is she made of vulcanized rubber?
d) Is her name “Bridgestone”?
If the answer to any of these questions is “No,” then the girl under discussion is almost certainly not a tire, and you should ditch her as soon as humanly possible. Preferably by leaving her to stand out in the rain. Especially if you’re married to her. And you should really leave her to stand out in the rain to maybe get raped by a band of nomads. Yeah, she’s hot, but she’s no tire.
4) Women suck because of bras.
Geez, who wants to watch a pretty girl change into and out of bras when you could be watching THE LOCAL TELEVISED SPORTING EVENT. Real men love “Sportz,” and hate “breasts.” Breasts suck!
5) EXCEPTION TO THE RULE: Women don’t suck because of nudity, although nudity kind of terrifies us for some reason.
Hey, it’s a terrible “GoDaddy.com” ad! An occasional exception to the rule of us guys hating women is that guys sometimes like nudity, but nudity is also shocking and terrible. Which is why, thank God, this ad cuts away from any awful nudity immediately. Why, if things had gone any further, we might have seen some belly button! Or some shoulder!
6) ONLY OTHER EXCEPTION TO THE RULE: Women do not suck if the particular woman’s name is “Megan Fox.”
Megan Fox! She’s HAWT, am I right? Man, if only we could hang out with her. We could watch her take a bubble bath and watch her being all sexxxy. Unfortunately, it is doubtful that Megan Fox would ever want to hang out with us, since, based on the other ads, all us guys are illiterate misogynistic alcoholic assholes who can’t even be bothered to shave. …That’s the only sad downside of hating women, I guess. It kind of makes women hate you too. Oh well. There’s always SPORTZ. All us GUYZ love SPORTZ. …Guys? …Am I right? …Am I right? …Um? …Guys?
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Oliver Miller
Oliver Miller writes for Thought Catalog, and writes a second column for The Faster Times. ...
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