In the Future, You Will Have Sex with a Terrifying Robot
…Sometimes, I feel like we were sold a real bill of goods on “the future.” We were promised robot butlers, flying cars, and domed cities on the moon. …And what do we get in real life? Twitter, the Internet, and iPads. …Blurgh. Blurgh to the max.
Another thing that we were promised was submissive robot sex slaves, à la “The Stepford Wives.” And, well, I do have good news on that front, everyone! Gaze with shock and awe upon “Roxxxy,” the computerized talking sex doll of the future… today! And here she is:
Wow, she’s so sexy! Sorry, I mean “sexxxy.” Assuming, of course, that your idea of sexy translates to “plastic terrifying mannequin who sort of looks like a Down’s Syndrome baby.” Eek.
And here’s the relevant press release:
To some men, she might seem like the perfect woman: She’s a willowy 5 feet 7 and 120 pounds. She’ll chat with you endlessly about your interests. And she’ll have sex whenever you please — as long as her battery doesn’t run out.
Meet Roxxxy, who may be the world’s most sophisticated talking female sex robot. For $7,000, she’s all yours.
“She doesn’t vacuum or cook, but she does almost everything else,” said her inventor, Douglas Hines, who unveiled Roxxxy last month at the Adult Entertainment Expo in Las Vegas, Nevada.
Wow, only $7,000 for a hunk of talking plastic. Groovy. But, aw! She doesn’t vacuum or cook! That sucks, because I was planning on having Roxxxy do all of my demeaning 1950s-era sexist “womanly” chores. Rats. Will she at least sit at the dinner table and stare passively while I drone on and on about my boring job? Because that’s what I look for in a woman — er, sex robot; er, sexxx robot.
Here’s another picture of Roxxxy, but be warned. Once you see it, you will NOT BE ABLE TO UN-SEE IT—
….Aaaaaaah. Agh. Aaaaaah.
And here’s some more info about Roxxxy:
Lifelike dolls, artificial sex organs and sex-chat phone lines have been keeping the lonely company for decades. But Roxxxy takes virtual companionship to a new level.
Powered by a computer under her soft silicone “skin,” she employs voice-recognition and speech-synthesis software to answer questions and carry on conversations. She even comes loaded with five distinct “personalities,” from Frigid Farrah to Wild Wendy, that can be programmed to suit customers’ preferences.
…Okay. Thousands of questions are popping into my head here. Among them — why pay $7,000 for a sex robot, and then set her to “Frigid”? …Because you’re really into robots who play “hard to get”? …It’s a frigging robot. And what could some of Roxxxy’s other “personalities” be? Lachrymose Lisa? Passive-Aggressive Pam? Annoyingly Goth-y Anna? …The mind reels and then boggles and then reels again.
And here’s even more info about Roxxxy, if you can stand it:
Roxxxy has been like catnip to talk-show hosts since her debut at AEE, the largest porn-industry convention in the country. In a recent monologue, Jay Leno expressed amazement that a sex robot could carry on lifelike conversations and express realistic emotions.
“Luckily, guys,” he joked, “there’s a button that turns that off.”
Haw! “A button… that turns that off.” Because talking to women really sucks, amirite? Because guys are all like, “sports,” and women are all like, “babies and breast milk and shoes.” Amirite? (And robot women are probably all like: “robot babies and robot shoes.”) …Oh Jay Leno, you pathetic hack, you.
And here’s even still more info:
A motor in her chest pumps heated air through a tube that winds through the robot’s body, which Hines says keeps her warm to the touch. Roxxxy also has sensors in her hands and genital areas — yes, she is anatomically correct — that will trigger vocal responses from her when touched. She even shudders to simulate orgasm.
When someone speaks to Roxxxy, her computer converts the words to text and then uses pattern-recognition software to match them against a database containing hundreds of appropriate responses. The robot then answers aloud — her prerecorded “voice” is supplied by an unnamed radio host — through a loudspeaker hidden under her wig.
“Everything you say to her is processed. It’s very near real time, almost without delay,” Hines said of the dynamics of human-Roxxxy conversation. “To make it as realistic as possible, she has different dialogue at different times. She talks in her sleep. She even snores.” (The snoring feature can be turned off, he says.)
Roxxxy understands and speaks only English for now, but Hines’ True Companion company is developing Japanese and Spanish versions. For an extra fee, he’ll also record customizable dialogue and phrases for each client, which means Roxxxy could talk to you about NASCAR, say, or the intricacies of politics in the Middle East.
Great, a shuddering snoring robot that can trap me into a conversation about politics or NASCAR, the two things that I least want to talk about in this world. …Truly, the future will suck worse than anyone could have possibly ever imagined.
Follow us on twitter@thefastertimes
- 1 Brooklyn Man Now Living Entirely Off Own Beard Garden
- 2 “Cra Cra” Now Official Diagnosis in New DSM (DSM-5)
- 3 OfficeMax Marketing Director Struggling to Make Staplers ‘Sexy’ and ‘Conversational’
- 4 Area Man Tailors Life To Be More Relevant To His Hulu Advertisements
- 5 Fan Banging Furiously on Glass Could Be the Difference in Hockey Playoffs
- 6 First Openly Straight Figure Skater Comes Forward
- 7 Survey: 88% of Eagles Fans Too Drunk To Spell Nnamdi Asomugha Last Season
- 8 Attorney Actually Starting to Believe Own Bullshit
- 9 Homeless Guy Woos Silicon Valley VCs with Low-Tech Crowdfunding Strartup
- 10 Local Mom Won’t Stop Being First Person to Like Every Goddamn Thing Son Posts to Facebook