How the Republican Party Is Like Domino’s Pizza
It’s no secret that the Republican Party is sucking ass right now. Republicans have lost control of the House, the Senate, and the Presidency. Meanwhile, only 24% of Americans consider themselves to be Republicans (an all-time historical low). And in addition, the Republicans’ best candidate for the presidency is an insane lying Alaskan MILF who doesn’t, for instance, know what the “Cold War” was.
So like I said, it’s no secret that the Republicans are currently sucking ass. That’s not news. What is news is that things have gotten so bad that actual Republicans are starting to notice.
And so, just recently, conservatives have started waking up from their eight-year slumbers. They rub their eyes crankily, like bears. And then they poke their noses out of their caves, glance nervously around, and are like, Whoa! People all of a sudden hate Republicans now. How could this have possibly happened?!!
…How indeed? It’s so mysterious! I mean, some people might conclude that the reason we hate the Republican Party is that they failed at everything they’ve attempted over the past decade. They created a massive deficit where there was none, stood around with their hands in their pockets while the country tumbled into a recession, and — oh yeah — led us into an endless and pointless war in Iraq.
And then, lest we all forget, there was this guy:
…Excuse me for a second while I barf into a trashcan. …There. That’s better.
So that’s the problem with the Republicans, right? The endless failure and George W. Bush, the second-worst president in American history (you can keep the top spot for now, James Buchanan). But really, Bush, plus the whole “failure” thingy… that is the problem with Republicans… right?
Nope! Wrong! According to Jonah Goldberg, noted conservative columnist, the problem with the Republicans is that they need to be more like a fast-food pizza restaurant. Domino’s Pizza, to be specific. And so, in an essay for the National Review Online, Mr. Goldberg solves all the problems that the GOP faces in 1,000 words or less. And here’s how he starts his essay—
…So far the GOP has shrewdly been the “party of no.”
Which is hilarious. Yay cognitive dissonance! Yeah, being the “party of no” is really working out great for the Republicans. Plus, I’m not sure what the word “shrewdly” is supposed to mean in this context, but I’m guessing that it means “even less shrewd than you could possibly imagine.”
But then Mr. Goldberg moves on to his thesis:
Fortunately, I’m not a political consultant. But if I were giving my two cents — and whaddya know? I am! — I’d tell the GOP to look not to Reagan in 1980 or Gingrich in 1994, as so many pundits suggest.
I’d look to Domino’s in 2010.
You may have seen the commercials or the YouTube video touting the iconic pizza-delivery chain’s reinvention. But if you haven’t, Domino’s new campaign can be summed up easily enough: “We blew it.”
…In their four-minute video (search YouTube for “the Pizza Turnaround”), executives, employees, and chefs at the company confront their harshest reviews head-on… Domino’s says that the American palate has improved, and they want to update their recipe to take account of that fact.
The appeal of the campaign should be obvious: honesty. Domino’s admits they lost their way, and they want a second chance. They’re confronting the criticism head-on rather than denying it.
Right. So the Republicans need to be more like a shitty pizza chain. Totally makes sense. …Or does it?
First of all, in case you haven’t seen the Domino’s Pizza video that Mr. Goldberg is referring to, well, it’s right here:
And okay, not only is this video amazing, but it also reveals that Jonah Goldberg is a superlative genius, in his own idiotic way. Because the video reveals that his “Republican Party = Domino’s Pizza” comparison is absolutely dead on. “How so?” you ask. …Well. Let us count the ways.
1) The video reveals that the Domino’s Pizza is disgusting toxic sludge that no person in their right mind would ever actually buy, let alone eat. The message sent by the company here is, “Jesus, our product is terrible! And yet you peons kept on buying it while half-heartedly complaining.”
2) The huge corporation that makes the pizza is shocked — absolutely shocked! — to suddenly realize that their product sucks, except of course they knew it all along.
3) Domino’s Pizza will now “change” their product, except the one thing that is guaranteed after watching this video is that Domino’s Pizza will still suck. Of course it will. Because sucking is the entire point of Domino’s Pizza. …If you wanted good pizza you’d… pay a few extra dollars and get good pizza in a restaurant. When you order Domino’s, you know what you’re getting. You’re getting cheap shit that will be delivered to your door by a surly teenager, but that’s okay, because you’re broke, it’s 10:42 PM, and you’re probably stoned again.
And really, all of this is the perfect metaphor for the Republican Party.
Like Domino’s, the Republican Party is a huge heartless corporation that barely gives a shit about you (although they would like your money). And when you order Republican, you know what you’re getting. When you order Republican, you’re saying the following: “Hey. I’m a scared white person who would like to be told that everything bad that happens in my own life is actually someone else’s fault. Preferably the fault of the gays. Or of people who have a different skin-tone than mine. These people can be poor Americans, or they can be foreigners who probably work for Al-Qaeda… I don’t really care. But I want my hot, crispy platter of pandering reassurance, and I want it now. I want it at my door in thirty minutes or less, or my money back.”
And that’s what the Republican Party gives you. They know it’s kind of gross, but they’re not going to change.
And that’s what makes Jonah Goldberg a genius. Hilariously, there’s no actual suggestion in his column for the Republicans to actually do anything differently. No, he thinks they should just “rebrand” slightly by admitting error, and then should continue to serve out the same swill that they’ve always served.
…And that’s brilliant. And I’m here, and I’m willing to help. And so, here are a few Domino’s-based menu suggestions that the Republicans can offer to their loyal band of customers:
—NEW 30-minutes-or-less Awkward Racism Guarantee™: Recently, Republicans have been falling down in the area of casual racism. Why, things have gotten so bad, we’ve started letting Democrats make racial slurs! And that is why the GOP pledges itself anew to be the party of awkward racism. Every thirty minutes, we promise to somehow insult the sitting president, possibly by having a Southern Senator call him “boy” or something. These insults will be followed thirty minutes later by an awkward, mumbled semi-apology that incorporates a complaint about “political correctness” run amok. And that’s our NEW 30-minute pledge to you!
—NEW “Southern Strategy” Special™: The GOP wants to “give back” to its loyal customers. And so this NEW pizza pie comes covered in delicious okra, pork rinds, and sausage gravy… to help reflect the fact that the South is the only region in America that has a favorable view of the Republican Party. (Note: The “Southern Strategy” Special™ will not be available in outlets in the following states: CA, NY, NJ, VA, OH, MI, MA, PA, OR, WA, IA, WV, and so on… and on… and on. Etc…)
—NEW John McCain “Olde Timey” Special™: John McCain will come to your door, remove a pizza from his jowls, and then personally deliver it to you. He then will not leave, but rather will drone on and on about “the old days” when people flew zeppelins and when out of touch dudes could still get elected president.
—NEW Sarah Palin “Rogue Attack” Special™: Sarah Palin will deliver a delicious pizza covered with moose meat… or will she? We don’t know! She might, or she might not! Maybe she’ll quit her job! Maybe she’ll give a long speech about mountains or something! Maybe she’ll burn down your house! Who knows?! SHE’S FUCKING CRAZY.
…And, you know what? That’s enough jokes about the Republican Party. You know what, Republican Party? You fucked up, you failed, and now we hate you. “Rebrand” all you want. But until you actually change your bizarro politics, we’re going to avoid you like we would avoid, say… the Noid.
…But thank you, Republican Party, for screwing up so badly. Your current travails are entertaining. And your tears taste sweet. …Sweet.
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