The Worst of the Decade

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Crap.  Is it the end of the decade already?  And I don’t mean that in the sense of “Wow, these past ten years have really flown by.”  (Because they haven’t.  And they were excruciating.)  No, what I mean is that I don’t actually have a real job, which in turn completely causes me to lose track of the day of the week and the actual date.  And so, ten seconds before I started writing this column, I looked down at the clock on my computer and said, “Fuck!”  (Yes; I actually said that.  Out loud.  To myself.  In my empty apartment.)  “Fuck,” I said.  “It’s December 31st already?”  And it is.  It really goddamn is, and yet I still thought that it was the 29th or something.  Someone really needs to call me and notify me about these things.

Anyway, we have reached the end of a “low dishonest decade,” to quote the poet W. H. Auden.  I lived through the 80s and the 90s, but let just me tell you that, ummm, this decade was pretty bad too.

And so, without further ado, let me present THE WORST OF THE DECADE.  Because everyone loves a list!  Am I right?

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THE WORST OF THE 00s, OR THE “AUGHTS,”

OR WHATEVER WE’RE CALLING THEM NOW

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Worst person: Dick Cheney. Who narrowly beat out Osama bin Laden.  Sure, Osama attacked the U.S. and killed 3,000 people — but Dick managed to kill even more Americans than that, via his entirely useless “War on Iraq II,” which was his idea, along with almost every other terrible idea of the Bush years.  (He also managed to waste 700 billion dollars on this war, but really, fuck that.  After all, who really cares about money when you’re already killing Americans in an entirely purposeless war?)

Not only has Dick never acknowledged his mistake, or the fact that he fulfilled the wildest dreams of Al-Qaeda by destroying the rule of law in America and turning most of the civilized world against us, but he apparently doesn’t even know the meaning of the word “mistake,” and…  oh, Jesus, never mind.  I had more stuff to say about Dick Cheney, but screw it.  Never mind; really.  I’m feeling depressed and mad just from writing about him.  He’s worse than a horrible person; in fact, he’s almost like a parody of a horrible person.  Let’s move on.

Worst “celebrity”: The Octomom. Jesus!  I’m still mad about Dick Cheney.  Okay.  …Let’s pull it together here.

If the 00s should be known for anything, then they should be known for the absurd prevalence of “famous” people who no one liked and who weren’t actually “famous” for anything at all.  Example number one:  The Octomom.  I barely know anything about the Octomon, except that she  stuffed a lot of fetuses into her uterus somehow, and that she had plastic surgery to try to make herself look more like Angelina Jolie, who isn’t even that cool to begin with.  And yet I still know who she is, which is sad.  …“Fame” really ain’t what it used to be.

Worst technology trend: Texting. I considered Facebook, Twitter, and the iPhone for this coveted spot, but the sad fact is that I use Facebook and Twitter…  and I kind of want an iPhone.

Texting, on the other hand…  Not only do I not text, but I have the texting function turned off on my phone, so that no one can even send them to me.  Texting always feels like a slap in the face.   “Hey, I could just call you, but instead I’m going to communicate with you in a way that is far more annoying and labor-intensive for the both of us.”  Yay technology!  And let’s not even talk about “sexting.” …IMEZRU FMLTWIA – F*** RU/18.  Stop it.  Stop it now.

Worst food trend: Bacon. A controversial choice, no doubt.  Yes, yes, we all like bacon and find it to be tasty.  But really, there is no need to wear a T-shirt proclaiming your love for bacon, or to become a “fan” of bacon on Facebook, or to hand-knit a bacon-patterned scarf that you then sell on Etsy.  Just eat the damn bacon already.  …And we Americans also don’t really need a “trend o’ the month food” as an excuse to gorge ourselves on fatty shit that’s bad for us.  …We’re doing fine with that already, thank you very much.

Worst movie: “Star Wars:  Episode II:  Attack of the Clones.” Yeaaaagh!  “Star Wars II” pulled off the stunning feat of being even fucking worse than “Star Wars: Episode I,” a feat which had hitherto seemed impossible.  Fuck this movie with a fuckstick, is all I’m saying.  …It was such a bad film that I actually tried to walk out of it in the theater, but my friends held me down, saying, “You can’t walk out of Star Wars.”  Really?  Are we sure about that one?  And if you had told my five year-old self that he would one day try to leave in the middle of a new Star Wars movie, he would have stared at you incredulously, then wept.  But then, he also won’t have had to sit through dialogue like this:  “Kiss me, Ani.  Kiss me like you did at the lake on Naboo.”  Awesome job, George Lucas; thanks for ruining my childhood memories, way to go!

And by the way, the third crappy Star Wars prequel was responsible for my favorite line of film criticism of the decade:  “…The general opinion of ‘Revenge of the Sith’ seems to be that it marks a distinct improvement on the last two episodes, ‘The Phantom Menace’ and ‘Attack of the Clones.’  True, but only in the same way that dying from natural causes is preferable to crucifixion.”  …Fantastic.  Awesome job, George Lucas, way to go again.

Worst TV show: Family Guy. Aw yeah.  Nothing like a half-hour of homophobia, violence to women, and endlessly recycled 80s references whose only function is to say, “Hey!  This is an 80s reference and this show is referring to something from the 80s because that is automatically funny except that it’s not.“

It’s hard to remember this now, but “Family Guy” was actually funny…  once upon a time.  But the last episode that I ever watched before turning the show off forever had a scene where Peter Griffin smashed his daughter’s head into a brick wall over and over again, until she bled from the ears and nose.  Haw!  What a funny…  joke.  Oh, Seth MacFarlane, you zany misogynistic freakazoid, you.

Worst song: “If You Seek Amy,” by Britney Spears. Which wins the coveted “worst” title not only for bringing us the 300th iteration of the whole “Britney is a skankslut” process, but also for being a terrible song, and also for being a fucking stupid double entrendre.  See, if you say the words “If You Seek Amy” aloud and run them together quickly, it’s supposed to sound like “F-U-C-K Me” except that…  here’s the problem…  it doesn’t sound like that at all.  No one would ever pronounce the words that way unless they had some type of mental disorder.  …What it actually sounds like when you say it aloud is “Efusekamee.”  Lame.

Worst word/catchphrase: “…Really?” Inevitably said by the speaker in a ridiculously snarky tone of voice, as in:  “Your choice for ‘Worst Food of the Decade’ was… Bacon?  …Really?”   The whole “…Really?” thing provides today’s modern hipster with all the excitement of being snarky and sarcastic without actually forcing him to think of something clever to say.  Which is perfect, and oh so much easier.  …Really?  …Really?  …Really?  Really.

(This catchphrase also receives additional negative bonus points for the fact that I use it all the time.)

Worst celebrity couple: Bennifer. Without the brief engagement and coupling of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez, we would have never started the whole trend of smooshingcelebcouplesnamestogether, which means that there never would have been a “Brangelina,” which means that “US Weekly” would have probably gone out of business by now, because they’d have nothing left to write about.

Jennifer Lopez also deserves a special place in hell for nicknaming herself “J-Lo,” which in turn brought us “K-Fed,” “T-Mac,” “A-Rod,” and every other annoying nickname like that.  Ugh.  Just ugh.

Worst book: “Going Rogue,” by Sarah Palin and her ghostwriter. Also known as:  “I’m Going to Lie About Everything and Nothing Is Ever My Fault:  The Memoir.”  See, what we learned from this book is that even though John McCain’s poll numbers went into the toilet after Sarah Palin joined his presidential ticket, that wasn’t actually Sarah’s fault. And quitting her job bizarrely wasn’t Sarah’s fault either.  And saying dumb stuff all the time — you got it; also in no way Sarah’s fault.  It was all everyone else’s fault!  …No, wait, it was that bitch Katie Couric’s fault!  …No, wait, it was the entire media’s fault.  Yeah, that’s it!  It was all the media’s fault.  …That ought to stick.

Worst media personality: Glenn Beck. …And if you’re really pissed off by seeing Glenn Beck’s name on a “Worst of” list, then you must make up part of the 25% of Americans who think that Glenn Beck is a super-duper genius.  You probably also think that “Atlas Shrugged” is the best book ever, and you no doubt believe that Obama was born in Africa or in Islamicland or on the planet Krypton or something.  …Congrats.

Worst war: The Iraq War. “Weapons of Mass Destruction.”  “Shock and awe.”  “Bring it on.”  “Axis of Evil.”  “I’m the decider.”  “If you’re not with us, you’re against us.”  …Oh Jesus fucking…  Christ.  Let’s just move on.

Worst year: 2004. Americans could have been forgiven for electing George W. Bush the first time around.  Maybe we were drunk that year, or just not paying huge amounts of attention.  But then, in the Year of Our Lord 2004, we decided to do it all over again, thereby guaranteeing ourselves another four years of misery. Yahoo!

2004 also brought us the presidential candidacy of John Kerry.  Ah, John Kerry.  …I plan on one day telling my children about John Kerry.  And I’ll say to them:  “...And that was the best…  presidential candidate…  that the Democrats could find.  We picked him because he was really ugly and out of touch-seeming, and because he said really inspiringly confusing stuff like, ‘I actually voted for the $87 billion before I voted against it.’  …Oh, man, John Kerry was great.  He really was.”  …And then I’ll start laughing, but I’ll also be kind of crying.  Actually, I’ll mostly be crying.

Worst journalistic trend: Lazy end-of-decade “Best of” and “Worst of” lists. Is there anything lazier than a list?  No.  No there is not.  “…Really, Oliver?  You thought that you could throw together a random list instead of writing a real column?  …Really?  And you thought that no one would notice this?  …Really?”  …Sigh.

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Ahem.  …And that’s about it for our “Worst of the Decade” list.  Have a happy New Year.  And hopefully the 10s will be better than the 00s, so that I can actually write a “Best of” list next time.  And that’s it.  Peace!  Shalom!