Burger King Is Trying to Kill You

Someday, there needs to be a Bad Fast Food Hall of Fame, including such worthies as the McDonald’s McRib, the KFC Famous Bowl (a.k.a., “the failure pile in a sadness bowl”), and yes, the KFC Double Down Sandwich.  (Also known as the “We’re running out of ways to make you fat, but substituting bread with fried chicken ought to do the trick…  sandwich.”)

But perhaps you do feel that you are running out of ways to become obese, this holiday season.  Well, worry no more, my friends!  Because Burger King is on the job.  With their new Funnel Cake Sticks™!  Just take a look.  Aren’t they appetizing?

Oh, good!  Funnel Cake…  Sticks.  Who doesn’t love Funnel Cake?  And who doesn’t love carnival food — the healthiest food known to man. But will Burger King provide us with a complimentary Tilt-a-Whirl ride so that we can puke up their sticks afterward, or will we be left to our own devices, and be forced to just barf at random in the Burger King parking lot?

Anyway, yummers!  And here’s the BK product description of their Sticks O’ Fail:

Step right up and witness the utterly astonishing unbelievability of Funnel Cake Sticks.  Hot, crispy, funnel cake goodness, covered in powdered sugar, with its own icing dipping sauce.  Get a taste of the circus anytime, all day long.  Participation may vary.

I assume by “utterly astonishing unbelievability” they don’t mean the unbelievable fact that someone thought that portable fried dough sticks, covered with sugar, served with icing would be a good idea for a nation that grows more ridiculously overweight with each passing day.  But…  oh noes!  “Participation may vary.”  I guess I’ll actually have to drive out to my local Burger King and see if they actually hate me or not.  If they don’t have the Sticks, then I’ll just go to my local supermarket, buy a huge box of powdered sugar, and scoop handfuls from the sugar box into my mouth.  Or get an enormous glass bowl, fill it with sugar, and smash my face directly into it, like Al Pacino with the cocaine at the end of “Scarface.”

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But hey, gosh, aren’t these exciting times that we live in?  New BK Funnel Cake Sticks!  Finally, an answer to the question, “Man, if only I could get my hands on some Funnel Cake…  but how?”  Stay tuned for other circus-themed fast food, such as Burger King’s new FRIED COTTON CANDY BALLZ™ and new SOUTHWESTERN RANCH CARNY TRIPLE-STACKER SANDWICH™.  …Made with real, freshly-killed Carny, and smothered in a delicious “Ranch” sauce!

And here’s the commercial for Burger King’s Fried Lard Sticks O’ Pain:

Great.  Perfect.  Good commercial.  Love the creepy Burger King fortune-teller guy.  But really?  “YOU WILL SOON FALL IN LOVE”?  …That’s the fortune?  Might I gently suggest some alternate Stick-related fortunes?  How about “DEATH AWAITS YOU,” or “OBESITY IS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER, MY GOOD CHUM.”

Or even this, which would at least win points for honesty.  “With our magical, fortune-telling powers, Burger King can predict that you will be feeling a little sad and awkward in this upcoming year.  You’re still afraid of terrorists.  You’re terrified by the collapsing economy.  And because you probably eat a lot of fast food, you’re concerned that your significant other will dump you for someone skinnier.”

“New Burger King Funnel Cake Sticks™ can’t save you from all these fears.  But they can help insulate you from them, by protecting you from your own life with a large, cocooning layer of lard and blubber.  With our new Sticks™, you can experience the transient joy of a massive sugar high, followed by the deadening collapse of an enormous carb-based food coma.”

“Are you ready to just give up, and shovel logs o’ fried dough into your mouth?  Burger King thinks that you are.  That’s Burger King’s prediction, and Burger King is sticking to it.”

…Or maybe that’s a bad way to pitch them; hell, I’m no marketer.  ANY-way, enjoy your Carnival Death Sticks, America!  …And have a happy and healthy New Year.