Tiger Woods is a golfer, and — oh man, just typing the first part of this sentence almost sent my head crashing to my keyboard with boredom. Golf. I know that logistically speaking, there must be people who watch golf, because they show it on TV, and therefore someone has to be watching it… right? My head knows this, but my heart refuses to believe. Golf is for people who have to take a Xanax after watching one of those televised fishing shows because fishing is just too chock-full of goddamn excitement. Anyway. So, there’s that.
Tiger Woods is the world’s most famous golfer, and now it has emerged that he cheated on his hot Swedish wife with approximately six to eight other hot chicks. This is the most exciting thing that has ever happened in golf. The second most exciting thing that happened in golf, as you may remember, was—
eqojdfsjlk poiaudjla qnmsdSorry. I fainted from boredom there for a second and my head landed on my keyboard.
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But anyway! Moving on! Tiger Woods has cheated on his wife with approximately six to eight hot chicks; that’s the important thing. But are they even hot? Are they hot enough? And do we know enough about the hot-or-not chicks yet? Probably not! So let’s break the hot chicks down, review style—
1) Rachel Uchitel — She’s a VIP Nightclub hostess. Her fiancée was killed in the September 11th attack. Judging by this photo, she has mastered the simple art of bending over and parting her lips sexily. Oh, and she was going to hold a press conference where she discussed how Tiger Woods banged her, but then he paid her off with between 1.5 and 3 million dollars. Gold-diggers take note! Skank grade: A-minus
2) Jaimee Grubbs — She was a contestant on VH1′s “Tool Academy,” which is a show that I’ve never heard of, but the very name sounds unpleasant. Her primary interests are: (a) Misspelling her own name, and (b) Staring blankly at the camera. Oh, and she sent Tiger Woods IMs like this one — “I will wear you out… when was the last time you got [bleeped].” Presumably “bleeped” is a substitute for a sexy word here, although I’m kind of shy, so mentally I prefer to think that she was asking something innocuous, like, “When was the last time you got AN ADORABLE BABY KITTEN, or A NICE HOME-COOKED MEAL.” Skank grade: B
3) Kalika Moquin — She’s a VIP Nightclub something or other, just like Girl #1, which is boring. And boringly, or “classily,” if you prefer, she refuses to talk about banging Tiger Woods. You can be her friend on MySpace though, if you want! Alternately, you could take a ride on a magical time machine back to the year 2003, which is the last time that anyone really cared about MySpace. On the whole, Kalika is so uninteresting that it almost makes me want to talk about golf instead. Hey, remember that time in golf when— Falls asleep, bashes head on keyboard. Skank grade: F
4) Jamie Junger — VIP, nightclub, model, blah blah blah. Yeesh. How about mixing it up a little there, Tiger? Ms. Junger apparently sold her story to the UK Sunday Mirror. She and Tiger met in a nightclub (shocking!) and he took her back to his hotel room, where they had, quote, “passionate sex.” That’s nice. It’s good that Tiger puts forth some effort with sex, even when he’s banging identikit nightclub robotrons. Also, it would be terrible to open up a newspaper and read about how you had taken a girl to your room for an evening of “monotonous sex.” Skank Grade: C-minus
5) Cori Rist — You’ll never believe this, but he met her in… a nightclub! And then took her to a… hotel. Tiger, I salute you! You can make even banging hot girls non-compelling. When the novelist Gustave Flaubert spoke of “the eternal monotony of passion,” he clearly had you in mind. Thanks Tiger, I feel all dead inside now, just from trying to write about you for the first time ever. Skank grade: D-minus
6) Mindy Lawton — …On the other hand, maybe there’s something to this whole nightclub thing after all, because Tiger met this girl in a Perkins Family Restaurant. …Oh Tiger. Perkins? …And the saddest thing is, he didn’t even take her to a hotel. No, he fucked her in a church parking lot, thereby proving that is it possible to make hooking up with someone from a Perkins Restaurant even less classy. Also, he liked that she was wearing red panties, because red is his mom’s favorite color, thereby proving that Tiger Woods is a fucking weirdo. …The main thing that worries me here is that I have no idea what my mom’s favorite color is. Who even knows stuff like this? And does not knowing my mom’s favorite color make me a bad son, or does it mean that I’m not a pervert weirdo freakazoid like Tiger Woods? You choose; you decide. Skank grade: F again.
7) Holly Sampson — She’s a porn star! Wow, that’s almost interesting! Or it would be, if I didn’t already feel like I had gotten crabs just from writing about all this skankiness. Still, in skank terms, landing a porn star must be like hitting a “hole in one,” a “birdie,” an “eagle,” “par,” or whatever it is that they do in golf. Golf! Why do people watch it? …Really, the actual most exciting thing that ever happened in golf — since even Tiger Woods screwing a bunch of girls is apparently not interesting — is the time that I won a free game of miniature golf by hitting my ball into one of those angry, leering clown-inside-a-cage-things that they always have as the “18th hole” in mini-golf. And even that sucked, because then I was like, “A free game, yay!” But then I realized that a “free game” would just involve me playing mini-golf all over again. Yuck. Pass. Anyway, okay, I’m ending this column and handing out another F again. Skank grade: F again again.
Oliver Miller
Oliver Miller writes for Thought Catalog, and writes a second column for The Faster Times. ...
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