F#ck the Gap Christmas Ad

F#ck the Gap Christmas Ad

F#ck the Gap Christmas Ad

Some people hate Christmas. Some people say things like, “America has taken a simple holiday that was meant to be about love and joy and turned it into a gross celebration of consumerism.” Or they say things like: “America has taken the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and turned it into… a gross celebration of consumerism.” Or, if they’re slightly smarter, they say: “Historians believe that Jesus was born in the summer, not the winter, and Christmas is just a modification of an old pagan holiday that we have turned into a gross celebration of consumerism.”

To these people I say the following: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP, GIVE ME MY FREE PRESENTS NOW. Presents! No other holiday gives you so many presents! I don’t like candy, turkey is gross, and Easter confuses me because I’m Jewish. But Christmas… now there’s a motherfucking holiday. That gives you lots of presents. My family made token attempts to celebrate Hanukkah when I was a kid, until I wisely bitched and moaned and correctly pointed out that you don’t get nearly as many presents for Hanukkah as you get for Christmas. (Only one present a night for Hanukkah? That’s bullshit!) Thus, my family switched over to the celebration of Christmas, and we’ve never looked back since.

…To be fair, there are some problems with Christmas. Such as the fact that the holiday shopping season now apparently starts in August. And then there are the horrible Christmas commercials that start playing in November. Like this one:

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1JhyjQQ9Pcw

OHHHHH CHRISTMAS YOU SO FINE YOU SO FINE YOU BLOW MY MIND, GO CHRISTMAS! CLAP CLAP CLAP! GO CHRISTMAS! Awesome job, The Gap, way to go!

Oliver Miller
Oliver has a MFA in fiction from a very expensive college, but has never published any fiction. He has written for Nerve, McSweeney’s, The Huffington Post, and many other websites. His work has been f ...read more

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