“2012″ — or, “Driving and Yelling: The Motion Picture”
Do you ever feel like the world’s coming to an end? I know that I feel this way, all of the time. “Oh my god. My latest girlfriend dumped me? IT’S ALL OVER.” Or: “Oh my god. I’m out of cigarettes, and I still have to write a funny article for a website? …This is it, people. IT’S ALL OVER.”
But of course, I am not literally retarded, and neither are you. I don’t ever literally think that the world is coming to an end. And neither do the fine douchetards at Columbia Pictures. But nonetheless, they have provided us with another fine bullshit apocalyptic movie in the fine tradition of bullshit apocalyptic movies. And here is the trailer:
Awesome job, “2012″ trailer, way to go! And congratulations on providing us with the worst Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonation in the history of the world. Come on now! I am widely known as being the worst celebrity-voice-impersonator ever, but even I can do a better “Arnold” voice than that.¹ (It’s easy, by the way. Just “visualize” the word “KAL-E-FORN-YA” in your head. Once you’ve got that, then you’re good to go.²)
Also, the bad Arnold imitator in the trailer merely serves to remind me that Arnold Schwarzenegger would be far far better in this kind of movie than John “I Act Too Much with My Hands” Cusack. A Schwarzenegger movie about the end of the world? Sign me up. (“QUICKLY! BEE-HIND YOU! DE END OF DAH WORLD! HURRY! DAH’S NO TIME!”) …A John Cuscak version of the same movie, on the other hand? …Thank you, but no.
To be fair, the movie isn’t all driving and yelling. There’s also some driving and flying thrown in. (So: “DrivingYellingFlying: The Motion Picture.”) Which totally makes sense, because according to the ancient Mayan calender, the world will totally and completely come to an end on December 21st, 2012.³ But naturally, the movie “2012″ cleverly presents this apocalypse as a mere dramatic speed-bump on the road of John Cusack’s life. …Hey, the end of the entire world is here! But no problem: we’ll just FLY our way to safety! Huh? …What the zurg?
By the way, here — for no reason — is the entire trailer all over again, but with all the special effects removed. So that — y’know, you can really concentrate on the acting.
Man, not to dump on the Mayans or anything — after all, they also came up with the really brilliant idea of live human sacrifices — but the whole “2012″ thing has to be the least compelling disaster scenario since the whole “Y2K” argle-bargle. Also, at least part of that last sentence was a lie. I do want to dump on the Mayans. Because the Mayans were a bunch of dopes. They tore people’s hearts out, threw men and women off of cliffs, and their major architectural concept was this: “Hey, let’s make everything all cube-ish and triangular and shit.”
Moreover, the Mayan calendar sucks ass. Here’s today’s date in Mayan, for instance:
…And that’s dumb. If we’re going to get all Mayan and shit, then we’re going have to start saying stuff like “Looks like someone’s got a case of the 15s!” and “Thank God it’s 19!” (T.G.I.19!). And that is likewise dumb. So let’s not be going around basing shit on the notoriously inaccurate Mayan calender, okay?
But still, even if the Mayan calender is wrong, and even if the Mayans are a bunch of dorks, and even if the Mayans never predicted the end of the world — well, still, it’s all just a harmless blockbuster movie starring John Cusack, right? …Well, not exactly. Apparently the film’s fake “scientific” website has caused widespread panic, and a noted scientist has received more than a thousand inquires from frightened conspiracy nuts — as well as letters from teenagers contemplating suicide after viewing the movie’s marketing campaign. “2012″: Who Will Survive? Well, apparently not dumb young people who can’t figure out the difference between a movie website and a real website.
So anyway: great, groovy, wow. Terrified suicidal teenagers! That is certainly a high level of, um, “buzz” and anticipation for a standard crappy disaster movie. So finally it can be said: “2012″ is the John Cusack movie worth dying for! …Assuming that you’re a retard.
1) The other “celebrity” voice that I can do: The voice of the “shrimp guy” from “Forrest Gump,” which is a movie that I’ve never actually seen, except for that one clip of him talking about shrimp. I’m a huge fan of my “shrimp guy” voice even though no one has ever found it to be funny. “FRIED shrimp, BOILED shrimp, shrimp SAUTÉ, shrimp ALMONDINE, shrimp in SHRIMP SAUCE…”
2) This is a really a footnote to footnote (1) but okay, I can also do a bad Sean Connery and the Christian Bale version of Batman. But everyone can do the Christian Bale version of Batman. Just get all gravel-y with it, and you’re good.
3) Well, the Mayan calender totally says this except for the minor fact that the Mayan calender totally doesn’t say this at all. A hackish writer actually just invented the whole 2012 end of the world thing in a book that he wrote in 1966. (Thereby presumably giving himself enough time to sell a few books before the world came to an end.)
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