Sarah Palin Enters the Fourth Dimension
Just recently, it was announced that Sarah Palin’s new autobiography “Going Rogue: An American Life” would be coming out several months earlier than scheduled. It was also announced that this still unpublished book has hit number one on the bestseller lists. That’s impressive.
…You do still remember who Sarah Palin is, correct? Of course you do. If you don’t, here’s a magazine cover to jog your memory. It features Mrs. Palin herself, looking all sexxxy:
Hey! Sarah Palin… more popular than halibut! Isn’t that a nice magazine cover? Sure it is. “…But wait,” you’re saying to yourself. “I see all of these words together, but they do not make any sense. …Sarah Palin? Alaska? Governor? …I don’t understand. What the zurg?”
Well, good question, you! Except that “zurg” is not a real word, but I forgive you. See, that magazine cover above is months old. Sarah Palin used to be the governor of a state called Alaska. Then she quit because the Alaskan wind was messing up her hair. If you don’t believe me, you can look up all of this stuff. “…No… no. I believe you. I think I remember… most of that.”
Sarah Palin is no longer the governor of anything. Instead, she is a mere rumor, a wisp, an idea, a thing floating along on the wind. She embodies contradiction. She’s one of the most famous women in America, but she’s also one of the most invisible. You’ll notice, for instance, that this entire article about Sarah Palin will not contain a single quote from Sarah Palin. Why? Because Sarah Palin no longer gives interviews, or talks to the media, or to reporters (even though she’s considering running for President¹ in 2012). Why doesn’t she talk to the media? Because she hates it and she’s bad at it. Wait. …I’m sorry. I just loused up my metaphor there. Why doesn’t Sarah Palin talk to the media? Because she exists, and yet she does not exist. She is everything… and yet she is nothing.
The fact that Sarah Palin doesn’t talk to the press doesn’t prevent people from talking about her, of course. Here’s a brief clip from a conversation about Sarah Palin — it features Steve Schmidt, the man who ran the John McCain campaign, which selected Mrs. Palin for national office; specifically, the office of the Vice President. Here’s what Mr. Schmidt has to say about Sarah Palin:
…See, but that’s the Sarah Palin Life. Her fans think that she’s the savior of the Republican Party, but her former boss thinks that her running for the Presidency would create a “catastrophic result.” She’s a hard working woman who loves the people of Alaska, but she quit her job governing them. She opposes socialism in all its forms, but as governor, she increased the amount of free money that all residents of Alaska get for just living there.² She puts family before everything else, but tried to convince her son-in-law to pretend that his son was actually Sarah Palin’s child. She’s a strong exemplar of Christian moral values, but her daughter had unprotected sex with her boyfriend and then became a leading spokeswoman for the abstinence movement. …Yes, even Sarah Palin’s children embody all possible contradictions.
And now Sarah Palin has written a 400-page autobiography in two months.³ Impossible, you say? For Sarah Palin, nothing is impossible.
Anyway, it is totally clear what has happened. You guys are way ahead of me with this one, right? It’s so obvious. Sarah Palin has broken through the normal rules of space and time and entered… THE FOURTH DIMENSION. It’s a fairly simple process, as illustrated by the six-minute video below:
You see? It’s so obvious now, right? Sarah Palin has shattered the normal dimensions of our universe, and become a creature of pure thought and fantasy. Like Jesus. …Or the Great Gazoo from “The Flintstones.”
…Of course, Sarah Palin was always more of a creature of pure idea than an actual living, breathing woman. She was supposed to be “just plain folks,” a regular “Jane six-pack” who somehow magically stumbled into being a major politician. But this was never actually true, and was never actually possible. In reality, she’s a former beauty queen and television anchorwoman who got elected as mayor, then governor, then nearly became Vice President of these United States. She presents herself as a regular good ol’ girl who loves hunting and fishing and trapping, but she also owns three houses, no longer needs to have a job, and is now a multi-millionaire.
And that’s okay, in a way. No politician is just “regular” folks. And whenever a politician presents himself as regular folks, then he or she is clearly talking out of his or her ass.4 It takes an enormous amount of ambition and an enormous love of the spotlight to become a national politician. (It also generally requires a shitload of money.) Sarah Palin has a ton of ambition and a great love for the spotlight, and these are the necessary qualities that she needed to rise to her current level. But they are not “regular person” qualities. …Put more simply, we should not hate Sarah Palin for her overweening ambition. We should hate her for pretending to be a regular girl, and for lying to us. …Put even more simply, she’s a great idea for a Republican candidate: unfortunately, the idea of her doesn’t match up with reality.
…But still, in a way, Sarah Palin should be an inspiration to us all, especially during these troubled times. Her latest impossible act is to have written a 400-page book in sixty days. This is clearly impossible. William Shakespeare couldn’t write a book in that period of time, and neither could anyone else. Some people have thus jumped to the conclusion that someone else wrote it for her. …But look, the simple fact that you must remember is this: with Sarah, and with the help of some lying bullshit, impossible is nothing.
And so, with that thought in mind, I took some inspiration from Sarah Palin, because, hell, I’m a writer too. Using her as a guidepost, I wrote my own 400-page autobiography, and unlike slackery Mrs. Palin, I did it in a single day — well, in a single five-minute period, actually. And so, here that is:
THE STORY OF ME: AN AMERICAN JOURNEY
I was born on a spaghetti farm in rural Pennsylvania. Our farm was 20 miles long by three feet wide. Then the rains came. Our entire crop was destroyed in a single day! Thus I first came to know adversity and hardship, but luckily through persistence and bravery I have always managed to fight my way through!
Then the war came. No one who lived through it can ever forget. I am speaking, of course, of the Falklands War. Yes, I was only six at the time, but I have cousins who live in England and it was a very traumatic time for me. It was at this time that I personally formed a very tight relationship with my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I would get down on my knees and pray to him every night: “Lord Jesus,” I said. “Who is going to win this war? England… or Argentina? Because I really can’t tell.” “…Have faith, my child,” he said. “And all will be revealed.” “…Okay,” I said, “but please let England win.” And 74 days later, England totally kicked Argentina’s ass and all was revealed. And this is how I learned that Jesus really really loved me and would give me whatever I wanted.
After that, I went to high school and then college in New York. It’s all kind of typically boring and Gen-X-ish and you really don’t want to hear about it, trust me.
…And then, after that, I got a job writing for the internet where I made fun of Sarah Palin and stuff. Why do I make fun of Sarah Palin so much? It is an excellent question, O gentle reader, and it shall be answered. The simple answer is that I’m fairly lazy, and making fun of Sarah Palin is just easier than anything. Mainly because she’s pretty much a dope. In fact, her real name should be “Sarah Failin’,” amirite? BOO-YAH!
[Note to Editor: Please copy and paste "BOO-YAH!" and repeat for the next 399 pages. Thanks! -o.m.]
There! Done. And remember — with Sarah as your guide, you too can enter the fourth dimension, break all rules of space and time, and achieve six impossible things before breakfast. As for myself — well, I am merely so grateful for this chance to share my simple American story with you. And that is the end of this essay, O gentle reader. …And so, good reader, until we meet again, until we meet again something something you guys have a good one.
1) Of America!
2) And by “free money,” I mean of course “money that taxpayers in other states had to pay to give to the citizens of Alaska.”
3) I’m being charitable here. Sarah actually had four months in which to write her book. But for two of those months, she was still governor of Alaska. I’m going to be polite and assume that she was actually still paying attention to her job, and not writing a book for ten hours a day.
4) The single remarkable exception: George W. Bush, who — despite being born into a wealthy and extremely powerful family, and despite attending Yale and Harvard — actually was just a dumbass good ol’ boy from Texas. It was his lifelong ambition to become a regular none-to-smart born-again dude from Texas… and he achieved it. We salute you, Mr. President!
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