The Sins of Carrie Prejean
When we last paid attention to Carrie Prejean, she was busy losing the Miss USA pageant after giving a confusing answer to an interview question which indicated that (1) She was dumb and (2) She wasn’t so crazy about the gays, as far as we could tell.
What happened next was totally predictable, assuming that you pay any attention to anything that has ever happened in America. First, Perez Hilton mocked her. And then Conservatives rallied to her side, because she was a hero and just trying to exercise her right to free speech and why can’t liberals handle the truth when the truth is politically incorrect? Never mind the fact that Perez Hilton was also just exercising his right to free speech, and never mind the fact that the phrase “politically incorrect” means that a majority of people are going to disapprove of your statement because, well, that’s what “politically incorrect” means.
(Also never mind the fact that of course she was going to lose the beauty pageant after dissing gay people. It’s a beauty pageant. Gay men must make up 40% of the audience at least.)
And of course, this still being America, even though Carrie Prejean should have been relevant for three days, tops, she’s still around and still making money and still giving speeches and has an autobiography coming out soon.
So, please to enjoy excerpts from Carrie Prejean’s recent speech to the Value Voters Summit:
Um. …Good speech, Carrie! Unfortunately, during your speech, despite all your born-again Christian holier-than-thou righteousness, you committed a number of errors — or “sins,” as you might call them.
And unfortunately, the sins that you committed are seven in number, and they are deadly. And here they are—
1) Pride. “I am so proud of my answer.” That’s prideful, Carrie! Plus, throughout the speech, Carrie continually refers to herself as “brave,” “strong,” and “courageous.” That’s never a good sign. You know who doesn’t feel the need to constantly tout their own courageousness? Actual courageous people. I don’t recall Gandhi giving a lot of speeches where he was like: “Did you see that the other day where I got savagely beaten by the police ‘cause I was non-violently protesting for civil rights? …That was SO BRAVE OF ME.” If you actually do something brave, Carrie, people will notice. But no one wants you listen to you yap on about your own personal belief in your own brave-iosity. …Because that’s the sin of pride.
2) Wrath. She has flashing, wrathful, crazy-person eyes. Plus a general air of eye-rolling bitchy entitlement that leads me to think that she was once the most menacing sorority girl in the Tri-Delt House. Plus, there are these highly wrathful emails…
3) Sloth. “And I am disgusted at the way some people can be so intolerant. It disgusts me.” …Okay, that is seriously retarded, Carrie. That is intellectually lazy and therefore the sin of sloth. That is some next level oblivious-level shit. Come on. You can’t see the irony of complaining about intolerance when you’re famous for not tolerating a historically-persecuted minority group? I can’t even make a joke here, because your statement is so obviously dumb that there is no joke to be made. Congratulations, Carrie. You have defeated me. You have defeated comedy.
4) Greed. “Even though I didn’t win the crown that night, I know that the Lord has so much of a bigger crown in heaven for me.” Okay, that’s really greedy. Yeah, Carrie, you’re still pissed that you lost the Miss USA contest because you gave an answer that the judges didn’t like. (Which, correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that how beauty pageants are supposed to work? But anyway…) So, you’re pissed about that. But now you’re saying that you get to go to heaven and you get a really big crown? That’s awfully greedy.
Plus, dude, you’re only twenty-two. Life is long. Even assuming that you would get into heaven if you died right this second, you still have plenty of time to fuck up and do stuff that would invalidate you from going to heaven. I mean, you’re only twenty-two and you’ve already posed nude. So here are my top three future career options that will prevent you from going to heaven:
b) METH WHORE.
c) …And that’s it. Those are the options.
5) Envy. “And God chose me for that moment. He chose me for that moment, because he knew that I would stick up for the truth.” God chose you to make a poorly-worded contradictory statement at a beauty pageant? For this category, the sin of envy actually applies to me: because I am authentically envious of the clueless way that dumb people believe that God cares about every stupid detail of their crappy lives.
And so, yes, Carrie. GOD TOTES CHOSE YOU TO DO THIS FOR REALS. …Because God is really all about us. It’s just like how God chooses winning football teams every Sunday, because God cares about stuff like that too. So when the Dallas Cowboys score a winning touchdown and the receiver does the little “respect, y’all” sign in the air towards God, he’s signaling his approval of God’s approval of him doing the thing that he already wanted to do. That’s how God works. Also: COWBOYS 4EVAH WHOOOOOOOO!
6) Lust. “I live in the greatest country in the world!” …And the crowd goes wild! Yay emotional feedback loops! Yes, yes, yes, most Americans think that America is the greatest country in the world, and we’re either right, retarded, or — quite possibly — both. But still, using that line in a speech just indicates that you are overly lustful for some cheap applause. It’s like being in a band and shouting to your audience — “Hey, I think that Chicago/Milwaukee/Trenton, New Jersey is the most ROCKINEST CITY OF ALL. …AM I RIGHT?!” — on the same day that your band happens to be in Chicago, Milwaukee, or Trenton, New Jersey. Super-lame. Super-transparent.
7) Gluttony. Okay, to be fair, she’s incredibly skinny. But still, I’d like an excuse to unleash my inner catty gay-critic self. And so…
Carrie — girlfriend — I don’t care how skinny you are; that top you’re wearing makes you look like a big ol’ piece of blond lemon meringue pie! …I don’t know whether to call the Fashion Police or the Food Police! Amirite? Oh, and also: Pirates and the Year 1986 called… and they both want their shirts back! There. I said it. “…Oh Oliver you’re such a bitch!” I am. I am. I know; I know.
 By the way, if you read the New Testament and actually pay attention to it, it is totally clear that only about ten people are going to make it into heaven anyway. And none of those people are going to be Carrie Prejean. And I’m not gonna be there either, but I have an automatic excuse, because I’m Jewish.
 Also, if you read the Book of Revelation and actually pay attention, you’ll learn that heaven is entirely made of crystal and gold, so who really cares about whether you get to wear a tiny little fake diamond crown or not? Also: crystal and gold? That’s super tacky! So maybe Carrie Prejean has a point after all. Maybe gay people don’t go to heaven after all. Because no self-respecting gay person would be caught dead hanging out in a place that was decorated like that.
 By the way, I’d like to mention for no reason that you should totally read my second blog for “The Faster Times.” It will be the most brave, courageous, and strong blog that you have ever read. And also: God wants you to read it.
Become my Facebook friend. Get updates about new articles. God wants you to do this.
Follow us on twitter@thefastertimes
- 1 First Openly Straight Figure Skater Comes Forward
- 2 Brooklyn Man Now Living Entirely Off Own Beard Garden
- 3 “Cra Cra” Now Official Diagnosis in New DSM (DSM-5)
- 4 OfficeMax Marketing Director Struggling to Make Staplers ‘Sexy’ and ‘Conversational’
- 5 Homeless Guy Woos Silicon Valley VCs with Low-Tech Crowdfunding Startup
- 6 Area Man Tailors Life To Be More Relevant To His Hulu Advertisements
- 7 Fan Banging Furiously on Glass Could Be the Difference in Hockey Playoffs
- 8 Survey: 88% of Eagles Fans Too Drunk To Spell Nnamdi Asomugha Last Season
- 9 Attorney Actually Starting to Believe Own Bullshit
- 10 Local Mom Won’t Stop Being First Person to Like Every Goddamn Thing Son Posts to Facebook