“Harvard” Brand Clothing To Be Sold to You Illiterate Peons

Full disclosure:  I never attended Harvard University.  Also, I never applied to Harvard University, because I had a solid “C” average in high school.  This was a result of my strategy of never doing any homework — even for the classes that I liked! — while dressing and acting like I was a hippie, even though I wasn’t a hippie, and even though I wasn’t cool enough to do drugs.

So I never went to Harvard.  And that sucks.  Instead, I went to a second-tier private university in a notoriously crime-ridden Middle-Atlantic city.  It doubly sucks because I’m funny and a writer, and so if I had gone to Harvard, I could probably be writing for “The Simpsons” or “The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien” right now.  (Although I wasn’t very funny in college, so probably not.)

…But that’s just my sad story, and you don’t really want to hear my sad story.  And anyway, I have good news, everyone!  According to the New York Times, soon “Harvard” brand clothing will be available to us all — yes, even to the illiterate mouth-breathers among us.  Like you.  …And especially you.

That’s right, Harvard has started its own clothing line!  Here’s what the Times has to say:

Harvard [has] entered into a 10-year licensing agreement for a line of preppy clothing… A New England patchwork of tartan, seersucker and old-school plaids, the collection is to arrive in national department stores beginning in February, under the name “Harvard Yard.”

There will be no Veritas seals or emblazoned ‘H’s. Instead, the designers at Wearwolf, a Manhattan-based private company that created the line, will add crimson-thread buttonholes and collar details, a subtle nod to their sartorial inspiration. Oxford shirts start at $165, and sports coats run to $495.

“…It’s a modern rendition of a classic American heritage,” said John Fowler, the creative director. “We want to combine the power of Harvard with the power of a plaid shirt.”

I love marketing-speak.  Huh?  Say what now?  “…Combine…  the power of Harvard…  with the power of a plaid shirt.”  What does that even mean?  That’s like saying “We’d like to combine the power of white bread with the power of mayonnaise!”  “…We’d like to combine the power of the Democratic Party with the power of Nancy Pelosi’s daughter!”  “…We’d like to combine the power of Jessica Biel’s acting with the power of Jessica Alba’s acting!”  So, in other words, you’d like to combine two blah things that go blah together.  Excellent work, Mr. Fowler!

And here are some pictures from the “Harvard Yard” stable of clothing.  Remember, it’s a modern rendition of a [sic] classic American heritage.  And remember, shirt prices are a mere $165 (or more)!

…Ah, excellent.  This look, or “ensemble,” as I call it, says so many things.  The short-sleeve shirt says, “Hey, I just paid $165 for a shirt that looks like it came from ‘Old Navy.’”  Meanwhile, the short-sleeve sweatshirt says:  “I am defeating the entire purpose of being a sweatshirt.”  And finally, the mustache on the model says:  “LOOK AT ME I AM ATTEMPTING TO GROW A MUSTACHE.”

Okay, excellent.  But, moving on…  Next!

Not quite as good.  The plaid shirt says, “I am dressed like a 65 year-old retiree who lives in Maine.”  And the resigned expression on the male model’s face says:  “I am a male model.  This is the life I have chosen.”

Next!

Okay.  …Um, actually, guys?  I sort of like the jacket in this picture.  And I sometimes wear blazers with the collar popped up.  Does that make me a hipster douchebag?  Yes.  Yes, it does.

Okay, moving on.  Quickly!  Quickly!

All right.  This one is more multiple-choice:

a)  The model is going to a job interview.  On a yacht.

b)  The model just found out that his house is on fire, and grabbed random clothes from his closet in under 13 seconds.

c)  The model is dressed in a way that no human being in history has ever dressed before.

d)  The model is either black, Latino, or Blacktino, and therefore would wear precisely none of these clothes in real life.*

…So those are what the hideous clothes look like.  But meanwhile, reaction to the “Harvard Yard” brand of clothing from actual Harvard students (who by the way dress like this) has been decidedly…  mixed.  Because as it turns out, real Harvard students don’t actually dress like colorblind douchetards, after all.  Here, the New York Times investigates further:

A ramble through Harvard Yard this week, as students returned for a new academic year, revealed more bow ties, polo shirts and Lacoste crocodiles than one might find on the average college campus. …But for the most part, today’s Harvard students dress however they like. The usual hoodies, jeans and flip-flops are common.

“…Most of the time, people are way too stressed out to change out of their sweatpants,” said Tim Olds, 21, a senior English major, who said he arrived at Harvard with the $2 T-shirts he’d been wearing since high school.

“…I was asked if I had to wear a uniform to go here,” said Robert Tamai, a freshman from Hawaii, who was wearing a T-shirt and athletic shorts. His roommate, Denny Purcell of New York, admitted to feeling “a little intimidated” when he first arrived. “Some people are dressed really good,” he said warily.

Well, that’s just great.  Harvard students dress normally and…  Wait.  …Oh, Mercy!  Did young master Purcell just say that some people are “dressed really good”?  Really good?!  You, my young whippersnapper, have the impudent grammatical stylings of a Yalie!

Such grammatical jacksnapery!  Outrageous!  I must…  I must lie down.

Hawkins!  Hawkins?  My cane!

Hawkins!  Blast it all!  I must retire to the sofa.

…Hawkins?

…Stumbles around, looking for cane.

Knocks over delicate china teacup.

In attempt to save teacup, knocks over priceless Ming vase.

Monocle spontaneously drops to the floor and shatters.

…Oliver faints dead away.

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SCHOLARLY FOOTNOTES

1)  The answer to the multiple choice question is:  “D.”  Or really, any of the other answers.

2)  “Jacksnapery” is not actually a word.

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