“Joe” the “Plumber” Has “Written” a “Book”

Some people have the dignity and good grace to bow out of the spotlight once their fifteen minutes of fame are up.  Like, say, Bob Dole.  Remember Bob Dole?  He ran for President once, on the “DOLE ’96:  KIDS GET THE HELL OFF OF MY LAWN” ticket.  So, he did that, he lost, and then he was a spokesman for Viagra for a month or something.  And then he vanished.  Poof!  Whisk!  Gone!  Where the hell is Bob Dole today?  Is he alive?  Is he dead?  Is he selling smack in Hanoi?  I don’t know and I don’t care and neither do you.

…And then there’s guys like Joe the Plumber.  You remember Joe the Plumber, right?  He’s that guy who asked Obama that question about taxes or something.  He’s still around and so is Sarah Palin and so is Glenn Beck and Bill O’Reilly and Mark Sanford and everyone else.  And the sad fact is, these people will never ever leave us.  We turned on our TVs, let them into our houses, and now it’s weeks and months later, and they’re still fucking here, drinking all the beers from the refrigerator and using all our hand-towels, and droning on and on about “Barack Obama Socialism Socialism something something.”

Thus, it is my sad duty to inform you that Joe the Plumber — America’s favorite Republican plumber named Joe who isn’t named Joe, isn’t a plumber, and isn’t a Republican — yes, that Joe the Plumber, has written…  a book.  And by “written” I of course mean “hired someone named Thomas N. Tabback to write it for him,” because this is America, man, and we don’t have time to be doing sissified East-Coast-Liberal-Ivory-Tower things like writin’ no books.  I mean, Joe the Plumber isn’t going to sit down and write a whole book thing, you know?   Especially since he can’t even manage to utter a single coherent sentence when he’s talking, so let’s not even think about what his writing would be like.

So now the Joe the Plumber book is upon us.  Here’s a shot of the cover—

Oh, excellent.  So many things to like about the cover of “Joe the Plumber — Fighting for the American Dream.”  First of all, the American flag says, “Yes I live in America and not in SOVIET RUSSIA or FRANCE.”  And the awkward half-smile says, “Heck, I’m jus’ plain folks like you and yours.”  And the rest of the cover says, “Hey, we really didn’t spend too much money on making this cover.”  And then you get down to the author names, and you’re all like, “Samuel J. Whoseaburger?”  But then you remember…  oh, yeah, Joe the Plumber’s real name is Sam.

And here’s the description of the book from the publisher—

Joe exemplifies how one person speaking up can really make a difference. He is truly a great American. Sean Hannity, Fox News Hannity s America , Syndicated Talk Radio Joe’s story is the iconic American tale. He’s a patriot who became instantly famous for simply asking a question that millions of us wanted asked. As my friend Sean Hannity would say, Joe is a great American! Mike Gallagher, Syndicated Talk Radio “Joe The Plumber — Fighting for the American Dream” is the Inspiration Guide for the New Conservatism. Get ready to get Angry, Laugh out loud, Cry, Shout, and Get Involved in the Future of the United Sates of America!

Man, Nothing gets me More Excited for reading a New book than randomly Capitalized words!  With Exclamation Points!  And s pace s between letter s!  And run-on sentences that Don’t make Any sense!

…But yes, truly, Joe the Plumber’s story is a great story, an iconic American story.  It’s the tale of a man who randomly appeared on TV, and got sucked into the ravening 24-hour cable news cycle, and who then became “famous” in the same way that Paris Hilton or the Octomom are “famous.”  But it’s a story about more than just that.  For instance…

—It’s the story of a man who complained about higher taxes, except that he didn’t actually make enough money to qualify for the higher taxes, so he actually received a tax cut, but, well, whatever…  you know?

—It’s the story of a man who hates government-sponsored socialism, except that growing up, he and his family were on welfare, but that was okay, because…  uh…  you know?

—It’s the simple story of a man who doesn’t like gay people, except he’s friends with them, but he wouldn’t let his gay friends “anywhere near his children,” but his gay friends are totally fine with that, because his gay friends are totally imaginary.  So that’s cool, because, well — you know…

—It’s the true story of a man who liked John McCain or something, then hated him, then left the Republican party, because the Republican party wasn’t quite zany and intellectually bankrupt enough to contain his truly All-American views.  Which is probably a bad sign.  But, well, um…  you know?

_____

…In short, it’s a story of a man who’s just like you and me.  It’s a story that needs to be told.  …But why write a book about your life right now, Joe?  Why not — say — six months from now?  Or never?

Well, here’s Joe the Author, explaining why he felt the need to share his life story with us, the American people:

In November 2008, Wurzelbacher started the promotion of his book “Joe the Plumber — Fighting for the American Dream.”  …The book…  describes Wurzelbacher’s experience during the 2008 election and discussed various milestones that shaped Wurzelbacher growing up. In addition, Wurzelbacher offers his definition of “a true president.” Also, Wurzelbacher refers to himself as “the most famous unemployed person in America.” He also states, “I was and still am flat broke.”

Oh!  He’s unemployed.  He has no money.  Huh.  Well, that clears up the whole book-writing thing.  …People…  brothers and sisters…  Joe the Plumber needs you to buy his book.  Because he’s out there, every goddamn day, fighting on the frontlines for you and yours.  He’s fighting for the American Dream.  And for Freedom.  That too.  But as we all know, freedom isn’t free.  No, there’s a hefty fuckin’ fee for that particular little item.

So, in conclusion, buy Joe the Plumber’s book thing.  He really needs the money, in order to continue to fight for freedom.  I mean, jeez, I feel bad just thinking about the guy.  …Man, Joe, we didn’t know that you were all broke and stuff.  DID OBAMA DO IT TO YOU?  Obama and his socialist…  minions?  Did they take all your money away?  That was what happened, am I right?

…Man, and the economy’s so bad right now.  And you need money, Joe.  If only you could get a job in, like, some sort of specialized field.  Doing vocational work, mayhaps.  Like, maybe you could fix people’s sinks, and toilets.  And their faucets.  Isn’t there a word for that kind of job?  I know that there’s a word for that; that’s why this is so frustrating.  I feel like it’s right on the tip of my tongue.

(Photos from MINDREIGN and Dummidumbwit)