Shut Up and Leave Me Alone: How the Smartphone Beats a Dorm Room Romance Any Day

I am what you call a luddite; I am grossly anti-technology, and in typical mean crabby grownup fashion, I shun Facebook in favor of calling my friends on the telephone. But recently, my dear friend Charley McShmalts introduced me to the Smartphone’s benefits for college. Now what exactly do you do in college? In my day, it was sleep late, miss class, mess around, chase girls, etc.

But with a Smartphone, there are at least five new possibilities:

1. No need to gossip; just snoop on everyone else’s lives through Facebook while the professor in your Western Civilizations class drones on and on.

2. Speed dating really gets speedy. No more waiting until class is over to ask the Taylor Swift look-alike if she wants to get some coffee. Just message her on Facebook, and she’ll respond from 50 seats away with “I’m busy” which in her language means “I’m only attracted to bad boys and you should’ve said drinks, 4pm, you and me.”

3. Attention parents; buy them a Smartphone and avoid talking to them. I know what you’re thinking; you wish he/she’d call more. But what do your kids do when they call, besides ask you for money? With a Smartphone, they text need $300 for books and you text back some lame excuse for not giving them any, after you and your spouse finish one of your empty-nester activities, like fucking on the living room couch. Better yet, text back while you’re fucking on the couch. Your kid probably does just that, so why shouldn’t you?

4. No need for a map; Smartphones have GPS, giving your kid block-by-block instructions when it’s time for finals (the one day of the semester they have to find the classroom.)

5. Keep tabs on what your high school sweetheart who promised you “forever” is doing in her dorm room. Yes, I know, she probably has the camera aimed at the wall, and with the auto-gyro engaged it won’t even vibrate from her bed creaking under the weight of the football team captain. But so what? Nobody buys a Smartphone to hear the truth!

So buy your kid a Smartphone before they leave for college. The 20 million college students sitting alone at the food court and playing Angry Birds can’t be wrong, can they?

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