How To Start A Gang

Of course you have. We all have. Every morning in fact, right around the time I’m changing my son’s diaper, the thought occurs to me. Then I make some coffee and fetch the paper.

If you’re considering starting a gang, all you need to do is follow a few simple steps. You’ll be getting into knife fights and vandalizing private property in no time.

First, and this is crucial, you need to make certain that you come from a broken home. Trust me. No one is going to follow your respective lead if your parents live under the same roof and always pay their bills on time. If your parents are together, though, you’ll need to figure out a way to change that. Be creative. Stage an affair, or worse. Next, you’ll need to punch someone. Punch someone dead in the kisser, for little to no reason, in the presence of those you hope to lead. Punch a cashier, punch a teacher. The poor souls at your side will believe they’ve found their savior and remain at your beckoning call. It’s fairly simple, actually.

Then you have to rob a store. Maybe a car wash, a Dollar General. The sidekicks you’ve assembled will see no fear in you and they’ll be motivated to lay down their very lives to protect your honor and the honor of the gang. They may even kill for you, which is ideal. At that point you will all agree that your outfit must have a name. Not just any name, but a good name; a dangerous name; a name people might associate with blood and fear and death and bandanas and brass knuckles. Sit down, over pancakes and quarts of malt liquor, and kick around some ideas. Again, be creative.

Then, after a name is agreed upon, you can all begin writing it on walls, stop signs, and in bathroom stalls. Soon you will realize, individually and corporately, that you’ve, in fact, started something bigger than yourselves; and it’s a thing which must be protected at any cost.

Lastly, you’ll have to draw out an initiation process, something that hopeful members will need to do, a duty they must perform in order to prove their loyalty to the gang and its noble purposes. Strangers will begin to fear you and your parents will blame themselves. At that point there is pretty much no stopping you.

Good luck!

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