Why Isn’t Anyone Else Hoarding Peanut Butter?

Yesterday brought news that peanut butter prices could skyrocket in the coming weeks due to a decreased supply of peanuts. Determined to get my hands on some I made my way to the local grocery store to make a shocking discovery: no one else was hoarding peanut butter.

While in a way I took this as good news as I shoved jar after jar into my grocery cart, I couldn’t help but wonder what exactly these people were waiting for. These poor bastards have weeks, weeks only, to stock up before the inevitable increase in peanut butter prices. Who knows how expensive peanut butter could be months from now. Soon peanuts may be so expensive that the chunky variety of peanut butter will cease to exist altogether. Where are the throngs of peanut butter devotees stocking their shelves for the long winter months? Where are the mothers with hungry children who need peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch? Will those poor children be forced to eat tuna every day? The thought is almost too much to bear.

While I was stocking my cart with as much peanut butter as possible, another shopper who had just picked up a jar of Jif commented, “That’s a lot of peanut butter.” I told him the price of peanut butter was going up, and he grabbed another jar. He had the right idea, but his response was painfully inadequate.

I mean, what is America about if not panicking at first opportunity and acting like the apocalypse is impending? Surely somewhere there are people at Costco shoving gigantic jars of Skippy into their carts, right? If not, what the hell is wrong with people? Surely the news hasn’t traveled this slowly. This is the age of the Internet. There is no excuse to not be at the grocery store right now, purchasing as much peanut butter as will fit in a shopping cart. (Seriously, stop what you are doing right now and go purchase as much peanut butter as you can afford.)

So America, for the love of God, hoard your peanut butter now, while you still have the chance.

Photos by Dana Walker

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