Eight Things Bacon Does Not Make Better

The devoted followers of the Church of Pig believe that bacon makes everything better. Such is the state of their lives that they find salvation in ribbons of salty fat that sweat liquid protein when fried, strip mine taste buds, and curb stomp arteries. These are truths, swine sluts, and there are other truths that must be shared. For instance: Goatees do not bestow chins unto the chinless. Also, double the pork fat does not mean double the yum; it just creates a flavor profile similar to that of seawater Jell-o. Finally, and this might be blasphemy to some, bacon does not make everything better. Here’s our proof, you wheezing, sexless butterballs with shoulder hair.

1. BACON DOESN’T MAKE IT BETTER: KEY LIME PIE

WHAT ACTUALLY MAKES IT BETTER: Nothing makes Key Lime Pie taste better, because it is ass pie, the unholy spawn of lime flavoring, mucous and Styrofoam. A slice of coagulated chum cake would be
preferable.

2. BACON DOESN’T MAKE IT BETTER: TAPIOCA PUDDING

WHAT ACTUALLY MAKES IT BETTER: Grandma improves a nice cup of tapioca pudding because she’ll actually slurp up a viscous gruel that tastes like it’s full of tiny insect larvae. Grandma! Why did you hide
your dentures inside your body?

3. BACON DOESN’T MAKE IT BETTER: CANCER

WHAT ACTUALLY MAKES IT BETTER: Bacon possesses no healing properties whatsoever. The only thing that makes cancer better is not having it. Short of that, chemotherapy and marijuana can help.

4. BACON DOESN’T MAKE IT BETTER: MIDDLE EAST PEACE

WHAT ACTUALLY MAKES IT BETTER: A nuanced, multilateral diplomatic strategy committed to the peaceful resolution of all geopolitical grievances, backed by strong military resolve. Also: bacon is neither kosher nor halal.

5. BACON DOESN’T MAKE IT BETTER: UNEMPLOYMENT

WHAT ACTUALLY MAKES IT BETTER: Pretty much, only a job can make improve this situation. Bacon would only serve to remind the laid-off that they can’t even afford bacon, eating cat food and dreams deferred instead.

BACON DOESN’T MAKE IT BETTER: SCOTCH

WHAT ACTUALLY MAKES IT BETTER: We saw bacon-infused vodka once, which is as pointless and unappetizing as infusing Swiss cheese with a shoe. Scotch does not need anything to make it better, save for maybe a cigar or a monocle.

6. BACON DOESN’T MAKE IT BETTER: HER LADYZONE

WHAT ACTUALLY MAKES IT BETTER: Her ladyzone is a special place of unspeakable pleasure, and the only thing that makes it better is a prized invitation to worship it. With a penis.

7. BACON DOESN’T MAKE IT BETTER: THE COLD, LIFELESS VACUUM OF SPACE

WHAT ACTUALLY MAKES IT BETTER: Space is an infinite, sucking void that will pull all of your moisture out of every pore of your skin while simultaneously suffocating you. Like that one
ex-girlfriend. (Hey. Oh.) An atmosphere makes it so much more pleasant.

8. BACON DOESN’T MAKE IT BETTER: FRIED CHICKEN SKINS

WHAT ACTUALLY MAKES IT BETTER: Fried chicken skin might well be the greatest, tastiest foodstuff ever. It actually makes everything better, including loneliness.

John DeVore is a satirist, critic, editor, and bona fide hack. Check out his work by following him at twitter.com/johndevore. ...read more

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