How Action Movies Can Help Us Win in Afghanistan

Good news everyone! Our Commander in Chief has unveiled his master plan for victory over the forces of Chaos. Unfortunately, it’s rather middling. We’re staying? We’re going? It’s hard to tell. We were looking for something a little more inspiring, more assertive. ‘America’s Blitzkrieg Party Time 2009!’ That’s a plan we can all get behind. All this suggests to me that maybe they’re just flat out stumped over there at the White House. If that’s the case, then all Obama and his buddies need is some inspiration. With this in mind, I present for the consumption of El Presidente (non-El Presidentes are welcome to look too) a list of fresh, alternative war strategies culled from some of the greatest films of all time. Enjoy, sir.

The Spartan Shuffle
(300)
This strategy actually calls for a reduction in troop levels to an unprecedented low. 300 to be exact. President Obama will lead this small regimen of marines to an as-yet-undetermined mountain pass, where they will hold it against the Taliban hordes for as long as there is breath in their bodies. With the right media coverage, their deaths will inspire the Afghan populace, if not all the nations of the earth, to fight for our cause against tyranny and…mysticism. You want support? You got it.

The Frodo
(The Lord of the Rings)
Has your arch nemesis or Dark Lord got you down Mr. President? Does the task ahead seem insurmountable? Has Rohan abandoned you? What you need is your own personal Frodo. This strategy, first discovered during the Third Age of Middle Earth, involves placing all your eggs in one basket and praying like hell. If the Obama administration has anyone comparable to Frodo Baggins in voice and appearance, and is willing to go to Afghanistan on a seemingly impossible to end the war with the drop of an as-yet-undetermined object into a volcano, now would be a great time to give them that raise. Note: The Frodo should only be used in extreme circumstances or if no other strategy has proven effective.

The Guerilla Mel
(The Patriot)
If Mel Gibson taught the world anything, it’s that all you have to do to turn the tide of a losing battle is to start waving a flag. Better get started Mr. President.

The Starship Pooper Scooper
(Starship Troopers)
Remember what happened when the Federation attacked the Arachnid stronghold of Klendathu? They got smoked (200,000 dead in one hour. The horror.). So what did the Federation do? They changed their policy from eradication to containment. They set up a perimeter and started cleaning out the systems outlining Klendathu one planet at a time. Mr. President, I believe we can apply this same strategy to Afghanistan.

The Robot
(Terminator)
We all know the Government has been in control of time travel technology for decades. Now would be a great time to use it. A government agent sent back in time could do any number of things to prevent our modern quagmire. He could stop the 9/11 attacks, prevent the birth of one George W. Bush, father the leader of the resistance or even kill Stephanie Meyer. The possibilities are endless.

Break out the popcorn Mr. President. You’ve got a lot of sitting on your ass to do.