Super Bowl Prediction: Brady Will Be Sacked, Matt Will Get Crunk
Like everyone outside of Massachusetts and New York City, I think this Super Bowl is the most boring, overplayed matchup that could have come out of the playoff field. No upstart 49ers, regaining their former glory, or Ray Lewis hunting for his second ring like a jacked up Captain Ahab. Even the old Champs in Green Bay, out to shove it all in Brett Favre’s face one more time, bowed out. Instead, we get a half-baked sequel Super Bowl XLII; two pretty good teams that rode luck and circumstance to the big show. Will Eli get another ring? Or will Brady get another ring? Whose press conferences will be more insufferable; Coughlin’s or Belichick’s? Will Antrel Rolle say something dumb? Most importantly, can I get drunk enough during the game to convince myself that this is the proper conclusion to one of the most exciting seasons of football ever?
To answer that last one; Fuck Yes.
1 drink every time anyone says David Tyree, or helmet catch (this includes pregame). 3 drinks if they replay the clip
1 drink for every Manning face. E.G., these
1 drink for every sack. If the sack results in a turnover (sack-fumble, failed fourth down conversion), finish your drink
1 drink every time a camera shows Tom Brady yelling at his teammates. If it happens after a play that resulted in positive yardage, finish your drink. If it happens after a blown play that was clearly his fault, finish your drink.
1 drink every time someone says they’re “just watching the game for the ads.” If they say “I’m just watching for the halftime show,” gut them.
3 drinks if a coach challenges a spot. If it wasn’t even 3rd down, finish your drink.
1 drink for every interception Eli throws after his second.
2 drinks for every interception Tom Brady throws
1 drink for every mention of Tim Tebow, 2 drinks if someone uses his name as a verb or adjective.
1 drink for every fumble, plus 2 drinks if it’s Ben Jarvis Green-Ellis. When the Patriots fans around you scream that it’s the first fumble of his career, finish your drink.
1 drink every time Brady runs, plus 1 if he gets a first down, plus 2 if he’s manhandled before he can slide.
1 bump of special K for intentional grounding.
Drink continuously during Madonna’s performance. A keg stand is preferable. It is acceptable to cry during this part of the broadcast, so long as the drinking continues.
1 drink for every after-the-play-scuffle/fight. Plus 2 drinks if Al Michaels and Cris Collinsworth deride the players for acting immature, and plus 5 drinks if they compliment them for “setting a physical tone.”
1 drink if anyone misses a field goal. If they miss a PAT, finish your drink.
If Cris Collinsworth says, “you always have to take points on the road,” finish your drink.
If either quarterback gives up a safety, finish your drink. If it’s Brady, call him a dumbass bitch. If it’s Eli Manning, you must say “Oh no, not again!”
All drinks are cumulative. If Tom Brady throws an interception to a Giants player, who then fumbles it on the return prompting Eli to make a Manning Face, that’s four drinks.
Super Bowl Score Prediction: Giants 3, Patriots 2
I hope so anyway.
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