NFL Power Rankings, Week 11: Viking to Bench McNabb Again, Just in Case

Tim Tebow’s two completions were enough to keep the Broncos competitive in the AFC West, but Carson Palmer showed he could actual turn out okay in Oakland. Good news for the Raiders, but awful news for Jason Campbell who may find himself under center at Fed Ex Field by this time next year, though he’d have a better chance at redemption on the Winnipeg Blue Bombers.

1. Packers, 9-0 (1): Green Bay missed an excellent opportunity to blank the Vikings when Randall Cobb fumbled a punt, and they only put up 3 points in the 2^nd quarter. The Packers just can’t seem to play a complete football game. This could be the worst undefeated team in the NFL right now. –Matt

2. 49ers, 8-1 (3): The only reason these guys aren’t getting the same props as Green Bay is their one loss and the wide margin between Alex Smith and Aaron Rodgers. But San Fran’s game plans are better, they mask their weaknesses more efficiently, and they haven’t come close to peaking yet. Potentially the best team in football right here. –Anthony

3. Saints, 7-3 (5): Lethal on offense. Deeply flawed on defense. Destined for the #3 seed. Their Wild Card Round matchup against the Saints will end up being the first fool-proof remedy for Seasonal Depression. (Unless you don’t like football, in which case, go f*cking kill yourself.) –Joe

4. Steelers, 7-3 (9): Their first home game against the Bengals was tougher than most expected, but they got the win they needed in a matchup that could’ve sunk their season, which is more than the Ravens can say. –Matt

5. Ravens, 6-3 (2): This game made no sense. The Ravens were gouging Seattle on the ground (6.2 yard-per-carry, while Ray Rice average 5.4 per-carry) but they threw the ball 53 times. Their return ace David Reed fumbled twice, lost both, and the Seahawks scored 15 points on field goals. And who were those two scrubs Marshawn Lynch crossed up to get a first down and burn out the clock at the end of the game? Just Jarret Johnson and Ray fucking Lewis. If the defense can track down ever copy of this game and destroy it, they may be able to show their faces in public before next week. –Matt

6. Patriots, 6-3 (10): With the Jets swept and the Bills acting like the Bills, the Pats look ready to roll to a first-round bye. I wonder if Belichick sends Sanchez a “Thank You” fruit basket every Christmas? –Joe

7. Lions, 6-3 (4): If things look bad after the Bears delivered this last gut shot, they’re going to be plain ugly after Green Bay hands the Lions their second consecutive blowout. But they’re not dead yet; the whole crew is ready to tear someone’s throat out. If Suh can turn into the Incredible Hulk for their last five games, they’ll make an 11-5 finish with a good shot at the wildcard. –Matt

8. Texans, 7-3 (6): Losing Matt Schaub hurts the team but helps Gary Kubiak—he just got a free pass on this season. Which in turn hurts the franchise. Larry Fitzgerald couldn’t make Matt Leinert look good—can Andre Johnson? A dominant running game always helps. –Joe

9. Bears, 6-3 (14): Devin Hester returning kicks, defensive domination and a low-octane offense hiding behind a solid running game. It’s 2006 all over again! But Jay Cutler is better than Rex Grossman, and Forte is better than Benson. Unfortunately, the 2011 Saints are better than the 2006 Saints the Bears beat to go to the Super Bowl, and the 2011 Packers a better than, well, everyone. –Matt

10. Bengals, 6-3 (11): Well shit, these guys can play ball. –Matt

11. Giants, 6-3 (7): Coming off their gritty New England win, the Giants/49ers game featured an atypically shoddy game from Eli, several gimme drops by Mario Manningham and Victor Cruz, and a game plan from Kevin Gillbride that was pea-brained even by his standards. And yet, what does it say about this team that they still took the toughest club in the league down to the absolute wire? –Anthony

12. Falcons, 5-4 (13): Don’t blame Mike Smith: he gave the Falcons a better statistical chance of winning by going for it on 4^th and a foot in OT. They could easily go 4-1 in their next 5 games, setting up a huge rematch against the Saints in the Superdome. –Joe

13. Jets, 5-4 (8): Literally everything that could have gone wrong against New England did, and now the division is probably out of reach for New York. A relatively soft schedule gives them a little wiggle room, though (they play the wacky Broncos and the struggling Bills next); for all this team’s problems it’s still too early to count them out. –Anthony

14. Raiders, 5-4 (21): A missed blocking assignment made Carson Palmer throw a redzone interception that would’ve otherwise been a touchdown, spoiling a perfect game from the former Bengal. On the bright side, Carson Palmer nearly had a perfect game, which sure as hell never happened in Cincinnati. –Matt

15. Cowboys, 5-4 (16): Tony Romo had quite possibly the greatest half of football I’ve ever seen: 18-19 for 237 yards and 3 TDs. Sometimes you get a blow job on the Romocoaster, sometimes you get bit on the balls. –Joe

16. Bills, 5-4 (12): I think that seeing the beautiful, cleavage-y women of Dallas literally stunned the Bills. Yes, guys, that’s what human women look like. Much different than the pale Buffalo blobs that keep rubbing up on you in the bar, right? Maybe the Bills players would actually try to make the playoffs if it didn’t mean they’d have to stay in Buffalo for another week. –Joe

17. Titans, 5-3 (20): Like a middle-aged lover, Matt Hasselbeck’s Titans intersperse sexy, inspiring performances with long naps. They can afford two losses, max, with games against @Falcons, @Bills, vs Saints and @Texans. Someone better score some Viagra. –Joe

18. Chargers, 4-5 (15): It’s one thing to be in a three-way tie for 2^nd place in the NFL’s worst division, but when one of those teams is starting a running back under center, and the other lost to the Miami Dolphins, you’re in trouble. With the core of their offensive line injured, a mid-season rally is out of the question for San Diego. –Matt

19. Bucs, 4-5 (19): Josh Freeman is the 29^th-ranked QB in the NFL. He better reveal that he was struggling with drinking or painkillers or trannies or something to explain this sh*t. This sets baby-faced QBs back 10 years. –Joe

20. Chiefs, 4-5 (17): Tebow’s 2 for 8, 69 yard performance is getting all the headlines, but Cassel’s 13 for 28, 93 yard game is getting nothing, because the media can’t deal with the tough questions: Can an offense survive exclusively with checkdowns? Is Tamba Hali still on the team? And when is Todd Haley going to stop sleeping in his car and find his own place? –Matt

21. Eagles, 3-6 (18): Let the Vince Young era begin! What could possibly wrong when you leave Andy Reid in charge of a kid with drug and depression problems? (Too far?) –Joe

22. Broncos, 4-5 (23): Throughout his career, John Fox has wanted to do one thing; run a conservative possession-offense with 3 running backs and no quarterback. Thank you Tim Tebow, for making this old man’s dream come true. –Matt

23. Cardinals, 3-6 (28): Last year wasn’t the right time for something serious with John Skelton. The Cardinals had just ended a long-term contract with quarterback, and needed to experiment on their own. The thing with Kolb was rash, but it didn’t mean anything. They’ve realized it was a mistake. They were thinking about Skelton the whole time. –Matt

24. Redskins, 3-6 (24): Why is Rex Grossman still in the dog house when John Beck keeps shitting on the living room carpet? –Joe

25. Jaguars, 3-6 (27): Jack Del Rio’s only chance of keeping his job past 2012 is pulling a Tonya Harding on Andrew Luck. At least he’d win over the 50 or so remaining Jags fans. –Joe

26. Panthers, 2-7 (22): Cam Newton finally came down to earth. Really hoping to watch this ESPN 30 for 30 one day: “What if I told you that 76 consecutive acid trips could launch a career…” –Joe

27. Dolphins, 2-7 (30): Like a desert mirage, the vision of Luck in a Miami jersey is fading away into the distance. –Anthony

28. Seahawks, 3-6 (29): When Tarvaris Jackson wins football games, a kitten dies. You DO like kittens, don’t you? –Anthony

29. Vikings, 2-7 (26): Can they bench McNabb again? –Matt

30. Browns, 3-6 (25): Pat Shurmer is headed for the can, and it’s time for them to start looking at replacements. Tony Sparano fits the Browns mold, bland and ineffectual, but they’ll want a complete makeover. Norv Turner is the perfect fit; that man loses with flair. –Matt

31. Rams, 2-7 (31): Full disclosure: I have no idea what happened in this game. But unless Steven Jackson transformed into Sonic the Hedgehog and Sam Bradford got posessed by Pazuzu and threw a flaming football through Brandon Lloyd’s chest like a Looney Tune, chances are they’re still pretty bad. –Anthony

32. Colts, 0-10 (32): With a 3-game “Suck for Luck” lead in the loss column, Colts fans can almost start rooting for the team to win again. Almost. And Bill Polian is prepping the champagne for when Dan Snyder caves and gives up 5 first-rounders for Peyton Manning. As a Giants fan, I can’t wait, although it’ll be a little sad when Jason Pierre-Paul ends Manning’s career. –Joe

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