Week Thirteen NFL Power Rankings: Saints March In, Kick Your Ass

Rank-Team (LW) Record

1. (2) 11-0: Scored so easily you would think they played the New England Backseat Betties and it was prom night, 1957.-Mason

2. (1) 11-0: The Colts are streaking unbeaten towards their annual “resting of the starters” season-end ritual, to be followed by their annual “stumbling in the playoffs” extravaganza.-Dr. Juan

3. (3) 10-1: After Monday Night, I think we’re headed for the inevitable “Favre tries to win it by himself” NFC Championship Game. Who’s excited to hear Joe Buck squeal “Favre threw only four interceptions in SIXTEEN regular season games, but he has four today!” I know I am. Hell, I’m excited to hear Joe Buck squeal anytime.-Joe

4.(5) 8-3: The Chargers cheerleaders put more pressure on Rivers that the Chiefs did.-Dr. Juan

5. (6) 8-3: First, Cedric Benson is running like a stud after being labeled a bust. Then, rookie Bernard Scott comes off the bench and totals more than 200 yards rushing over two games. Now, Larry Johnson just ran for over 100 yards for the first time since last December. I don’t know what they’re putting in the water in Cincinnati but Goodell has the boys in the lab working overtime.-Dr. Juan

6.(4) 7-4: They’re 0-3 against teams with more than six wins, but it’s so hard to let go. Belicheck’s

7.(9) 7-4: Onside kick to start the game? Somebody get a urine sample from Andy Reid and send it to the lab, stat!-Dr. Juan

8.(8) 8-3: The Oakland Raiders couldn’t be more of a slump buster if they were an okay looking, drunken chubster looking to hook up at a Worlds of Warcraft tournament.-Mason

9. (12) 6-5: Who’d have guessed that this season the most important Ray for the Ravens would be named Rice?-Dr. Juan

10.(13) 7-4: One good thing about playing on Thanksgiving, it gives Rodgers ten days for physical therapy before the next game.-Dr. Juan

11.(7) 7-4: Apparently, Matt Leinert and VY talk on the phone every week. What does that conversations sound like? VY: Yo, Matty Jailbait, what’s good, I’m just sippin some champagne and chillin with my girl. ML: Word. I’m sobbing and figuring out the best way to spike Warner’s gatorade tomorrow with quailudes so he thinks he still has a concussion. VY: Word.-Joe

12.(14) 5-6: Watching Vince Young rip out Matt Leinart’s heart with an otherworldly, game-winning clutch performance last Sunday was the most fun I have had watching a football game since the last time Vince Young ripped out Matt Leinart’s heart with an otherworldly, game-winning clutch performance.-Mason

13.(13) 7-4: Really, Coach? Was Oedipus involved in the game or am I being too literal-minded?-Dr. Juan

14.(14) 6-5: The only good thing about Big Ben’s concussion is that it didn’t involve him being a passenger in Tiger Woods’ SUV.-Dr. Juan

15.(16) 6-5:Chris Redman was ready to take the reins and lead the Falcons to victory, but the group of Native Americans gathered outside the stadium to protest his name was a bit of a shocker.-Mason

16.(10) 6-5: The biggest collapse since XFL, week two.-Mason

17.(15) 5-6: What does Pat White have to smoke to see the field? The Wildcat doesn’t work when it’s just Ricky in the shotgun with no motion-back and he does his best Jake Delhomme impression. The only time Ricky executes the shotgun is when it involves two ounces of weed, six blunt wraps and the Olsen twins.-Joe

18.(18) 6-5: Their game against the Texans this Sunday will decide once and for all which team matters slightly less than the other.-Mason

19.(19) 5-6: The Colts are now 15-1 against the Texans. Vince Young may own Reliant Stadium, but Peyton Manning has a timeshare.-Mason

20.(20) 5-6: How is it that they still have an outside shot to win their division? Oh, yeah, it’s the NFC West. I forgot.-Dr. Juan

21.(23) 5-6: Funny enough, Rex Ryan’s wife utilizes the “green light, yellow light, red light!” strategy whenever they go to Century Buffet.-Joe

22. (22) 3-8: If Jim Zorn beats the Saints on Sunday, he won’t get his play-calling duties back, but Jim Zorn might give him back his blanket.-Joe

23.(21) 4-7: Jake Delhomme signed a shiny new five year contract before the season started. Can you imagine if people in the real world were offered unbelievably large compensation packages for sucking so badly? There would be some sort of crisis or something.-Mason

24.(27) 4-7: Nothing says, “Wait till next year!” like an aging wide receiving corps, offensive line, defense, and quarterback that’s more banged up than my self-esteem after my latest family reunion. Way to get a job on Wall Street six months before graduation, cousin Michael.-Joe

25. (24) 4-7: Dear Jeff George, I apologize for all the times I called Jay Cutler the next you. He is more like a Ryan Leaf on good meds.-Mason

26.(28) 4-7: The Bills win. If a buffalo farts in upstate New York and nobody smells it, did it really happen?-Mason

27.(25) 3-8: Todd Haley finally enacted his Super Bowl revenge. He demolished the Steelers, then promptly laid down and let Norv Turner molest him for sixty minutes, therefore making the Steelers look extra bad. Kind of like rejecting the head cheerleader and then hooking up with snot-crust girl out of spite. Except much, much gayer.-Joe

28.(26) 3-8: I thought they had a big-time cornerback duo but I guess they both wanted to cover Roy Williams.-Dr. Juan

29.(29) 2-9: Once again, the Lions make Turkeys thankful they are too dead to watch football on Thanksgiving day.-Mason

30.(31) 1-10: Chris Redman versus the Bucs defense was like watching two turtles mate. In ever possible way.-Joe

31.(30) 1-10: It’s official. The Rams are now “The Lamest Show on Turf.”-Dr. Juan

32.(32) 1-10: When Eric Mangini’s making a living in the dunk tank at the Ohio State Fair in ten years, I’m taking my kids every day. Every f*cking day. I’m pumped!-Joe